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Standing Still

Please read: this is not a post to stir controversy, point fingers in blame or have any affiliation with political parties; it is not my intention to come across in a complaining “woe to me” status or even use this post to vent personal opinions on the subject at hand.

This post is about me and my disease; how curve balls thrown at you in life don’t hit the gutter as they usually do in bowling lanes–but hit you straight on, leaving a knockout of confusion and frustration. Leaving no answers. You know my story: my body is changing, becoming more dependent on others. And as my body continues to change, so does everything else–medicines, insurances and provider policies, and the like. It affects me. It affects my family (my parents as they are my ears on the phone and the brains as we read the paperwork during these situations.) But even my parents don’t understand everything.

“Living with a handicap is not simple,” I said as Mom positioned herself in the driver’s seat after just placing my walker in the trunk for what seemed to be about the thousandth time. The reality is that anyone can say this about life: it is not simple and changes are not easy. You don’t have to face life-threatening or long-term illnesses to affirm this. Speed bumps come in everyone’s life–different time, circumstances. Some we see as we draw near, allowing us to prepare and take caution. Yet others take us by surprise, shock and confusion as they appear to come out of nowhere.

Last week, my life hit a large speed bump. Unexpected, as I am in the midst of changing health insurances due to age, I find I have been dropped from another; Frustrating, there was no warning, no official papers. Confusion at this critical time. And still, as I slowly go over this bump, what seems to be a total mess (which it is)…God is supplying the persons and resources necessary to meet my need. I could not have planned this course, nor do I understand it either. It is a God Room speed bump. His ways are best.

Stand and watch, but do not fight the battle. There, you will watch the Eternal save you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not fear or worry. Tomorrow, face the army and trust that the Eternal is with you.

2 Chronicles 20:17 (The Voice)

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April Reads

I have decided for the month of April, I am going to engulf a portion of literary hours in Children and teenager titles. I had so many on both the “Unread” and “Reread” lists that it took me a while to eliminate to the bare minimum. None-the-less, I am pretty excited!!! 🙂

Kindle_cartoon fluffylinks.com

Unread choices:

  • Mr. Popper’s Penguins by Richard Atwater
  • The Fault in Our Stars by John Green
  • The Cricket in Times Square by George Selden

Reread:

  • The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis

What about you? What are your favorite Children or teen books? Have any recommendations? 🙂

PS. March reread was Safely Home by Randy Alcorn. I truly recommend it–Hebrews 13:3

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Climbing Mountaintops

Much of our dessert and decaf discussion tonight was about Colorado. Mom even pulled out a photo album and as more talk was being said, I sat side-gazing at the pictures as Marcia flipped through the pages. I felt flooded with emotion…suddenly I wanted to be there, a longing to be home.

C.S. Lewis once said, “If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” When I struggled in the late Fall 2013 with inner emotions about what God had in store for me, I had lost sight of His divine picture being painted especially for me. As the canvas continued to emerge with the colors of life, I started to live in hope rather than despair. But I still have a longing–a heavenly one.

Seasons change. Some view valleys as the struggles in life, but for me it is the ascension to the top of the mountains. One only reaches the top by climbing.

Who can possibly ascend the mountain of the Eternal?
    Who can stand before Him in sacred spaces?
Only those whose hands have been washed and hearts made pure,
    men and women who are not given to lies or deception.
The Eternal will stand close to them with blessing and mercy at hand,
    and the God who redeems will right what has been wrong.
These are the people who chase after Him;
    [like Jacob, they look for the face of God].

Psalm 24:3-6, The Voice

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Everything

When I first started figuring out how my new Nook tablet works, I–very cautiously as not to outspend myself–enjoyed uploading a few books to my personal library. I also subscribed to a year’s reading of the magazine, Reader’s Digest, and accessed a few apps for more readings and entertainment.

It was while reading the latest edition of the Reader’s Digest that I came across a single picture page titled, “Faces of America,” by Glenn Glasser. The picture is of an artist, Joe Beene. I know nothing of Joe Beene except for what the picture reveals–he is quadriplegic.

In a sun-room style area, the yellow walls are brightly lit from the many windows and glass door on the left. The center focus of the picture, you see the artist at work. Joe is not just any artist…he is a painter. And in the picture, he is painting by mouth. The picture is a side view, so you cannot see the painting straight forward, but even from the side angle…one can see an extraordinary, vibrantly-colored painting!

There is no article, no details, no explanations. There is one question:

What was the darkest time of your life?

Joe Beene: When I had everything.

(Reader’s Digest. April 2014. page 33.)

And I sat thinking about this simple statement again as I finished my morning coffee–Could I say the same?

This is the time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My Presence, where you are complete. Take time to bask in the Light of My Love. As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession into My care.

Young, Sarah. Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence. Nashville: (Thomas Nelson, 2004.) March 24 entry.

 

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What I Lean On

“Help me. Help me.” I blurt out in a semi-panic but soft-toned voice. I knew my sister, Melissa, was behind me with my walker and bag. I had just taken my first step down the stairs leading to the garage; I felt my body starting to lean backwards in off-balance mode. The last thing I wanted was to take another tumble, thus, my cry for help. Melissa helped me rebalance and I slowly descended. At the bottom, my walker is reopened and I place my bag in the middle compartment. Now holding to the handles, I stand and wait for my ride to church.

I haven’t used my walker in the house since around Thanksgiving. Even my cane I have left in the garage and have only used these two walking assistants when going outside the house to town, church, errands or meeting friends and social gatherings. That is until this past weekend. I first started with my cane. I noted at the beginning of last week that getting up to use the bathroom in the early mornings could sometimes have me feeling off-balance. I never used my cane, but just had it resting against my bedside for “just in case.”

Then I fell. Friday afternoon–I was setting up my painting area for a Saturday morning, “Coffee, brunch and painting,” time with  a friend. I don’t even know technically how it happened, because I don’t remember twisting my ankle, but my tumble forced me to my knees. If I had “snapped forward,” I would have just landed harder on my hands. But my fall sent me on backward whiplash; my legs being folded under me, I crunch down on my crooked feet. As I regain composure, but in pain, I try to shift my feet out from under me but find myself underneath the table (that is the part in which I don’t understand!) I knew I was going to have to have assistance getting up off the floor, and since no one came downstairs yet to check on me, I pushed my Lifeline button. 🙂

Friday’s fall resulted in a very sore left leg: a torn ligament in the knee. It is really the last thing I wanted at this time. I already am struggling with increasing frustration at my right hand and just the mental processing of being slow. Now I use my walker more regular in the house–discussion today also mentioned that it might be time to restart my AFO braces (at least the right foot while my left leg slowly heals.) That decision alone will be something to pray for peace about–my choice to end wearing them, and PT sessions, in the Fall was primarily to live without them until I needed them to walk. I can still walk, but it is only by God’s divine power that I still can.

I see myself weakening and I want to be strong; I force myself to persevere, but need strength to lean on.

What a fellowship, what a joy divine,
Leaning on the everlasting arms;
What a blessedness, what a peace is mine,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.

Refrain

Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms;
Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.

Words by: Elisha A. Hoffman

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My Choice

This may seem like a sudden decision (which it is); but it has been long-time coming. It was one of the hardest choices I have yet had to make, but this time it was my choice and that alone makes me feel like an independent person.  I have decided that for my safety and the safety of others, I am finished driving.

This decision is not a result of just one physical area, but a combination of many since February: increasing numbness in right hand and especially weakness in the thumb, upper arm strength, weakening right ankle, my balance worsening, and overall energy after hoisting my walker in and out of the backseat while running errands. It is not that I am a bad driver–but God used one weekend to show me that I should consider my driving limits before a worst case scenario occurs. If He hadn’t intervened, my body and mind would still be at conflict with each other about this situation. I knew this choice would be coming, yet I wanted to go as long as possible before I had to finalize the word.

Now what? I am not sure. Ten years of driving, owning a car for five. Like my short-lived apartment experience, I have many memories. Many stories of me and my car. I am now just shifting driver seats to what I do best anyway: co-pilot; but it will take time to adjust to the transition.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1, ESV

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Selfies

I’ll be the first to admit that I am not tech-savvy. I still use a flip phone, none-Mac laptop and a digital camera. My social media world consists of this blog (I know the basics), a Facebook account and a Twitter (I had to ask my cousin why people wrote with #hashtags as I was clueless.) It was only two weeks ago that I joined, what I consider, the elite ranks of e-readers, as my parents helped me pick a Nook that met my needs now that my hands are starting to change and holding books is not always an easy task. Considering all this, it should not surprise you then if I told you that it was only at the beginning of this year I learned a very important word in the world we know today. The word: Selfie.

By now you have probably regained your composure from having fallen off your chair in laughter, but think me not of being a complete hillbilly, because in my defense, I was taking “Selfies” longer than the word has even been around. And I did it with film camera and it’s timer. It was only this past weekend that I placed the two key facts together (my own pictures and term definition) to realize this discovery:

scan0001

This is me–fresh high school graduate about ready to leave for my first year of college. It was a Sunday and when we got home, I decided to try taking a few “artistic” photos before lunch. I grabbed my golden 35mm Kodak camera and went to the barn where my eye had distinguished a few candid areas. I placed my camera on the third and final step that led to the upstairs recreation room, set the camera to timer mode, and quickly sat in the weeds smiling in the direction of the parked Honda. I didn’t move until I thought there had been plenty of time for the camera to “click.”

When I developed my film, I had no idea if my “Selfie” had even turned out with me actually in the picture; other past pictures had been out of focus, too far away or too close, cheesy, or vain attempts to remember my long locks of curled hair. And so as I sat this past weekend sorting my pictures, I thought of how we see pictures today: Instant. There is no waiting for the film to develop or anticipation of seeing the pictures while waiting in line to pay for them. No strenuous task of ordering reprints by holding the negatives to the light or frustration of even having bad pictures as we simply delete what we do not want before ever ordering prints online anyway. We share our pictures on social media then comment, like (or dislike), and tag each other. Everything in an instant.

I am not condemning “Selfies,” social media or even modern technology, because even I enjoy these and take part in them. It’s more the combination of having found my old pictures and then having to face my life in a new aspect of the “Selfie” living with NF2 that this past weekend caused me to slow down. Even just for an instant and face reality, choices. Life is about choices, change. And one day, it will be set for eternity.

It will all happen so fast, in a blink, a mere flutter of the eye. The last trumpet will call, and the dead will be raised from their graves with a body that does not, cannot decay. All of us will be changed! We’ll step out of our mortal clothes and slide into immortal bodies,replacing everything that is subject to death with eternal life.

I Corinthians 15:52-53

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In the Storm

I’m just going to be honest here…this weekend has been rough. Like a sea of emotions, mixing memories of the past with the present times and having to face the reality of potential changes in the near future. Collide them together and the waves crash into the boat. And it feels as though I have been thrown overboard and I get physically sick. Weak and vulnerable, I feel my courage start to fade.

I am in the middle of the storm. A voice calls out,”Take courage! It is I. Do not be afraid.” (Matthew 14: 22-33)

He bids me come…but I am fearful of the waters, the waves–I am fearful of letting go of the sinking ship that is currently keeping me afloat. I must decide. Do I wait until the boat is no more or do I release my grip while it is still in sight? The decision is mine. How long I remain at stalemate is unknown.

Yet in the storm, I see Him waiting. He has not abandoned me. I cry out; I plead for strength, discernment, hope.

Reach down for me, True God; deliver me.
The waters have risen to my neck; I am going down!
My feet are swallowed in this murky bog;
I am sinking—there is no sturdy ground.
I am in the deep;
the floods are crashing in!
I am weary of howling;
my throat is scratched dry.

But, Eternal One, I just pray the time is right
that You would hear me. And, True God,
because You are enduring love, that You would answer.
In Your faithfulness, please, save me.

Psalm 69: 1-3, 13 (The Voice)

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Beauty Sleep

I always thought the phrase, “Beauty sleep” was a figure of speech. That is, until I experienced beauty sleep first hand. Beauty sleep is real.

Now, what I am about to tell you may come to you as a shock. You may find it unbelievable or just plain weird; I doubt this scenario ever reaches Psychology 101 classes. If it did, I would love to participate in the discussion. However, since it is just me and you, I want to offer a little pre-reading advice: after seeing my family’s reaction as my story unfolded the morning after my beauty sleep, I highly suggest that if your mouth is full of food or liquids that you first swallow before continuing to read. I’ll wait… (pause)

Like most stories with a good plot, the reader benefits from learning about the character’s setting and pre-existing events that might factor in as the story progresses. A general synopsis of myself: I drink 2 cups of coffee in the morning and herbal tea in the evening; I just renewed my gym pass and Thursday walked a half mile around the indoor track, resulting in the realization that I am very out of shape and it is harder to hold my neck in good posture. Friday, we embarked on a whole day out visiting various shops in an outlet mall for some necessities and a day of being together. I walked the whole day (with my walker) and by the time we grabbed Chipotle for dinner, I was so hungry, but almost too tired to eat. I am not sorry for overdoing myself though as it was one of the best times out that I have had in a long time.

Saturday morning, we left for the Victoria Theatre in Dayton as we attended a lightwire production of The Ugly Duckling by Hans Christian Anderson and a modern twist to Aesop’s The Tortoise and the Hare. As evening gave way, we set our clocks forward an hour for Daylight Savings and Sunday morning seemed to arrive too quickly. I didn’t have time for my first cup of coffee before leaving for church and just planned on having it when I returned home again. After church, I had a few errands to run on that side of town, so I ended up coming home around noon. Deciding Sweet tea would taste better with our tuna lunch, I then went the whole rest of the day with only one other cup of hot Vanilla Almond black tea. As midnight rolled around, I finally concluded my weekend and headed to bed most exhausted.

It is all hazy memory from that point on until 9am Monday morning. I can’t tell you much details. I don’t know what my intentions were, what time in the morning it actually was (I am guessing around 3am or so), or how long I was in beauty land. One thing’s for sure–I am quite talented in my sleep. Yes, beauty sleep. And if you need me to enhance the already laughable tale…let me tell what I remember. I was standing at my bathroom sink. I had my powdered foundation in my left hand and had somehow managed to retrieve the circular pad from the bottom of the foundation container but it had dropped in the sink. I remember seeing the sink, but thinking the pad is on top of the foundation, so I start trying to “grab hold” of it. Frustrated at my hands, I start digging my fingers into the foundation, but then realize the pad is not there. I am not sure what happens in my train of thought after this, but I do manage to get the pad from the sink and swipe it on the foundation. It was as if I was explaining to someone how to smoothly apply your makeup, because I was saying something as I started applying the powder to my face. It was then that I broke into a better state of consciousness.

I put down my foundation and sort of mumbled, “What am I doing?” and then giggled as I turned to leave the bathroom and back to bed. I didn’t get up again (at least to my knowledge) until 9am. I didn’t get up thinking or even remembering beauty land, until I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. My counter-top was messy with my makeup sprawled out and powdered foundation remains near the sink. You need evidence? My foundation bears trench lines where I had aimed to retrieve the powdered foundation pad but to no avail. Best part is when I opened the middle-cupboard drawer to put my makeup back in my makeup bag, I found it full of non-makeup items, one being a travel sized Vaseline container. I have no memory of any kind in this re-shifting/organizing process. As I get everything back in order, I try to think of a plausible explanation. I come to none but laughter.

Extreme physical fatigue, Daylight Savings and lack of my normal caffeine levels are all intermingled in this strange experience…although a higher emphasis in the caffeine withdraw is most probable. I also wondered why my makeup? I only wear mascara anymore, and it is usually only on the days I am headed out around town or other occasions. Even mascara takes me long to apply, so I just have gone back to a natural, no makeup face and have had no regrets. I have only kept my makeup otherwise for very special occasions, such as weddings or upcoming graduation ceremonies. I suppose I will never know or understand–not that it matters–but one thing’s for certain: “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,”regardless of whether or not you are fully awake.

For this reason it says, “Awake, sleeper, And arise from the dead, And Christ will shine on you.”

Ephesians 5:14, NASB

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When You Give

In the second grade, I was in Mrs. Brumfield’s class. There are a few special memories I think of when remembering Mrs. Brumfield and her class: She always wore bright red lipstick and because she used my personal book, Abel’s Island, to read to the class for our afternoon reading time, I have a smudge of that red lipstick in the front cover of my book. It still remains one of my favorite children novels. Our circular building held classrooms divided like a pie and our door faced the playground–I especially liked the monkey bars, so much that I gave my palms blisters; but once my name was written on the chalkboard and I had to stay in from recess.

Mrs. Brumfield’s favorite type of animals were pigs. We even made “pigs” using pantyhose stuffed with pillow cotton and after we tied off the curly tail, we hot-glued on felt ears and sewed buttons for the eyes. My pig has pink ears and purple buttoned eyes…and it is in my special box. On our birthday, we got to make a chart using pictures from home to tell the class a bit about our favorite things and about our family. A family member was invited to attend and sit with us up front, but because neither mom nor dad could attend mine, Mrs. Brumfield allowed my best friend at the time, Stephanie, to sit with me.

At the end of the day, there were two dismissal bells for the bus shifts. Because I left on the second bell, this allowed me ten extra minutes of reading time…as we always ended the day with quiet reading in our own “corners or desks areas.” Being a book nerd from an early age, I took this time seriously and never wanted to leave class at the second bell if I was in mid-sentence. And Mrs. Brumfield gave us a take home assignment, but it was “fun” homework: when it was our turn, we took home a large Ziplock bag containing a book, entry log, and a stuffed animal of a mouse in overalls holding by Velcro–a chocolate chip cookie. Our assignment was to log our different activities of what we did with our new pal. Mom tried to find a few educational activities. 🙂 The hardest part was keeping track of the cookie! The book:

if_you_give_a_mouse_cookie

If you have read either this book or the other, If You Give a Moose a Muffin, the overall concept of the story is the same: you give and they keep asking for more–eventually circulating back around to what was initially given.

Recently, my parents went on an extended weekend vacation back to Colorado. It was not initially the reason why we set the Lifeline for use, but it was planned to have that established before their trip for safety reasons. My weekend was not much different from others. I had a few appointments already set, tasks I needed to accomplish and had some sister chat times. I carried out my days like usual routine–my own breakfasts and lunches. Several ladies from my parent’s Sunday school class signed up to deliver hot meals for my dinners. I cannot tell you how much that was appreciated!! A few ladies contacted me just to see how I was doing and if I needed anything. Genuine kindness.

Mom did ask a girl from town around my age to come in the evenings to spend the night (mainly for my Lifeline factor), but also to help take out trash, clean Muffy’s kitty litter, help with dishes and anything else I might need. We decided this was best in their absence–she came in around 10pm and left in the mid-mornings for her other duties and jobs. It worked nicely and since the Olympics were still being covered in Primetime, I usually was in the basement at the end of the day relaxing and working on a friend’s late Christmas present while watching the Games.

I really cherished the weekend, but also saw how much I possibly take for granted within my family all the extra help they give so selflessly. Miriam would ask if I needed help with anything else before going to bed herself and unless it was something I just couldn’t do, like unbutton my new sweater so I could wear it the next day, I didn’t initially ask for much assistance. Maybe it was embarrassment, maybe pride. Maybe I am used to my family seeing me struggle, like when I try to pick up medicines that have fallen to the floor, and they just come to the rescue without my asking. Or often, maybe I am just tired of asking for people to give their time and help–as I turn more dependent, I am becoming stubborn and wanting to still do things on my own. How do I balance between the two? It is something I am still in process of learning.

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