Tag Archives: hard decisions

In the Storm

I’m just going to be honest here…this weekend has been rough. Like a sea of emotions, mixing memories of the past with the present times and having to face the reality of potential changes in the near future. Collide them together and the waves crash into the boat. And it feels as though I have been thrown overboard and I get physically sick. Weak and vulnerable, I feel my courage start to fade.

I am in the middle of the storm. A voice calls out,”Take courage! It is I. Do not be afraid.” (Matthew 14: 22-33)

He bids me come…but I am fearful of the waters, the waves–I am fearful of letting go of the sinking ship that is currently keeping me afloat. I must decide. Do I wait until the boat is no more or do I release my grip while it is still in sight? The decision is mine. How long I remain at stalemate is unknown.

Yet in the storm, I see Him waiting. He has not abandoned me. I cry out; I plead for strength, discernment, hope.

Reach down for me, True God; deliver me.
The waters have risen to my neck; I am going down!
My feet are swallowed in this murky bog;
I am sinking—there is no sturdy ground.
I am in the deep;
the floods are crashing in!
I am weary of howling;
my throat is scratched dry.

But, Eternal One, I just pray the time is right
that You would hear me. And, True God,
because You are enduring love, that You would answer.
In Your faithfulness, please, save me.

Psalm 69: 1-3, 13 (The Voice)

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I Breathe

DSCN2206

“Today” by Iona

– – –

Today the grass is greener

than I have ever seen

Today the sky is bluer

than it has ever been

And Today my heart is breathing

like I’ve never felt it beat

And Today flowers are growing

from the ground beneath my feet

– – –

Today my hope is stronger

and the visions clearer

To walk in Love eternal

the path that takes me nearer

And to You the music’s playing

like it has never done

And to You my feet are dancing

underneath the sun

– – –

In You I Live

In You I Live

In You I Live

and breathe

This song is exactly opposite of what I actually felt this morning. The day is indeed beautiful with the sky bluer, the grass greener and flowers growing around the back patio. And inside myself I felt distant from this beauty of the day. I did not feel like dancing, making music in praise. I felt heavy…burdened. Sorrow instead of joy in the morning.

Last night, I laid it all out. In my conversation with my dad, we discussed everything that I could think of at the moment…this decision about the chemo treatments is not just the treatments. I realized it goes so much deeper than that…job, living, safety factors as my body physically fades, side effects of medicines, what happens after I can no longer be on certain medicines, independence and dependence decisions, current pains, current emotions, hopes that seem lost…

In a day, I don’t think these things in this much depth. But because I fell asleep last night still questioning…today, the heaviness lingered. I started making my morning coffee and asked God, “What happened to my joy?” I remembered a verse where it talks about our sorrow turning to joy–so I set out to find it. I should have known it was in the book of Jeremiah. In chapter 29, God assures the Israelites that He has a plan for their future, one that prospers and brings hope (29:11).

This morning I felt too that I was in bondage…exile from former things, out of my comfort and asking God, “Where are You? Why am I here in this place suffering like this? And what is going to happen in my future?” Seems last night that is all that happened–I just asked a lot of questions. My earthly father put his arm around my shoulder as I wept. He could only answer my questions honestly saying, “I don’t know.” But my Heavenly Father says, “This may not make sense at the moment. I know your pain, sorrow, confusion. Seek me and trust me. I love you and have the perfect plan for you. Your sorrow will soon turn to joy.”

Then I found my verse that I was seeking–Jeremiah 31:12-14 (The Voice):

“The redeemed will return home and shout for joy from the top of Mount Zion; they will shine with the sheer goodness of the Eternal— The harvests of grain, wine, and oil; the healthy flocks and herds. Their lives will be like a lush, well-watered garden. From that day on, they will never know sorrow. Young women will dance for joy; young men will join them, old ones too. For I will turn their mourning into joy. I will comfort My people and replace their sorrow with gladness. From the overflow of sacrifices, I will satisfy My priests; All My people will feast on My goodness.”

My own visions are unclear, but seeing through eyes of faith gives freedom from this sorrow–maybe not physically, but in my soul. I learn to live. And I breathe.

We have the idea that God is going to do some exceptional thing— that He is preparing and equipping us for some extraordinary work in the future. But as we grow in His grace we find that God is glorifying Himself here and now, at this very moment. If we have God’s assurance behind us, the most amazing strength becomes ours, and we learn to sing, glorifying Him even in the ordinary days and ways of life.

~Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, June 4.

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