What I Lean On

“Help me. Help me.” I blurt out in a semi-panic but soft-toned voice. I knew my sister, Melissa, was behind me with my walker and bag. I had just taken my first step down the stairs leading to the garage; I felt my body starting to lean backwards in off-balance mode. The last thing I wanted was to take another tumble, thus, my cry for help. Melissa helped me rebalance and I slowly descended. At the bottom, my walker is reopened and I place my bag in the middle compartment. Now holding to the handles, I stand and wait for my ride to church.

I haven’t used my walker in the house since around Thanksgiving. Even my cane I have left in the garage and have only used these two walking assistants when going outside the house to town, church, errands or meeting friends and social gatherings. That is until this past weekend. I first started with my cane. I noted at the beginning of last week that getting up to use the bathroom in the early mornings could sometimes have me feeling off-balance. I never used my cane, but just had it resting against my bedside for “just in case.”

Then I fell. Friday afternoon–I was setting up my painting area for a Saturday morning, “Coffee, brunch and painting,” time with Β a friend. I don’t even know technically how it happened, because I don’t remember twisting my ankle, but my tumble forced me to my knees. If I had “snapped forward,” I would have just landed harder on my hands. But my fall sent me on backward whiplash; my legs being folded under me, I crunch down on my crooked feet. As I regain composure, but in pain, I try to shift my feet out from under me but find myself underneath the table (that is the part in which I don’t understand!) I knew I was going to have to have assistance getting up off the floor, and since no one came downstairs yet to check on me, I pushed my Lifeline button. πŸ™‚

Friday’s fall resulted in a very sore left leg: a torn ligament in the knee. It is really the last thing I wanted at this time. I already am struggling with increasing frustration at my right hand and just the mental processing of being slow. Now I use my walker more regular in the house–discussion today also mentioned that it might be time to restart my AFO braces (at least the right foot while my left leg slowly heals.) That decision alone will be something to pray for peace about–my choice to end wearing them, and PT sessions, in the Fall was primarily to live without them until I needed them to walk. I can still walk, but it is only by God’s divine power that I still can.

I see myself weakening and I want to be strong; I force myself to persevere, but need strength to lean on.

What a fellowship, what a joy divine,
Leaning on the everlasting arms;
What a blessedness, what a peace is mine,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.


Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms;
Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.

Words by: Elisha A. Hoffman


Filed under Adjusting to NF2, Uncategorized

7 responses to “What I Lean On

  1. Wanda Couzens-Smith

    Praying for you……………..daily……………with love……………….thank you for sharing opening & especially sharing your LOVE of CHRIST as it is showing through your life experiences.

  2. Tracy

    I feel like there are no adequate words to share here πŸ™‚ I cannot even pretend to understand, Mel! I’m so sorry for what your body is going through! I just want to encourage you to keep a gratitude list πŸ™‚ I know the verse says, when the Holy Spirit is in control, there is life and peace πŸ™‚ Gratitude puts our hearts in the proper perspective! You are actually already pretty good at this! You amaze our family with your smile and great attitude! Jesus shines through you, Mel! Keep on, sweet sister! You have many willing to lift you up πŸ™‚

    • mel

      I had started a Gratitude list after I finished reading Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts, but somewhere along the way stopped. I should restart πŸ™‚

  3. A.B.

    Love you Mel. Thank you for sharing in weakness and in strength. The kids and I surround you with our prayers.

  4. Megan

    *gasp* I remember you telling me about his via texting but to now read, more in detail, as to exactly what happened… ouch!! I hope it’s continuing to heal and pray you’ll have less falls as you start using your walker for balance more. What a great invention!! Can’t wait to see you on Wednesday of next week:) XOXO, Megs

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