February 24, 2013 · 7:27 pm

My favorite Painter.

If you haven’t noticed by now–my Greece pages under my “I Like!” section are still currently where they were months ago. I feel like my progress relates to the frustration of long-term road construction; but when it is finished…it will be a grand thing! I do apologize for that and hope to get those updated with pictures and stories very soon!

Following some sort of train of thought from Greek civilization, artwork and architecture to more modern times, I have an announcement. I have discovered my favorite painter.

Yes, I decided this last Sunday afternoon as I visited the Columbus Museum of Art. An excellent way to spend your afternoon if you are ever in the area..bonus it is free admission on Sundays. 😀 My favorite painter is not one I ever remember learning about in my two years of required art class in high school. I remember in particular Vincent von Gogh, well, because he had such a heart breaking life. However, his “Starry Night” is one of my personal favorite paintings of all times. I learned about Michelangelo, da Vinci, Raphael, and Picasso. But never do I remember hearing the name: Claude Monet. My favorite painter.

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I probably would not have initially recognized his “Weeping Willow” piece on display in one of the rooms had it not been for purchasing blank greeting cards from Barnes and Nobles around Christmas. It is so hard to find good writing cards that this particular boxed set seemed to be exactly what it should be–12 designs with two each. The box holding the cards/envelopes even has a picture of one of the paintings on the cover so it can be reused. I skimmed through the assorted replica pictures and bought the boxed set being more excited about having nice greeting cards more than who the artist was.

After starting to write some cards, I noticed Monet’s name. I still have no idea who he was, but I am really liking his style. I think that is what it comes down to really–I like his style of painting. The strokes…most short and the contrast of light in each painting. It makes the painting seem to have a deeper dimension. Monet is said to be one of the founders of the Impressionism movement. I went on to read, “The term Impressionism is derived from the title of his painting Impression, Sunrise.” [or in French: Impression, soleil levant] (2)

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I am still trying to understand the Impressionist technique, but I think I just opened a new window of fascination in my interests! The best part of having a favorite painter is the feeling that I am now an art student. 😀 I can’t wait to get to the library and check out some art books and begin reading more about these different movements in art history as well as other artists. Sometimes when I paint, I get stuck in a rut–the same pattern, colors, style. By learning, I have an opportunity to create better artwork myself. How exciting! “Attitude is the mind’s paintbrush. It can color any situation.” ~Anonymous.

Do you have a favorite painter or artist?

References:

(1) Claude Monet. (French, 1840-1926). Weeping Willow. 1918. Oil on Canvas.  51 5/8 x 43 7/16 in. (131 x 110.3 cm). © Columbus Museum of Art, Columbus, Ohio. Retrieved from  http://arthistory.about.com/od/from_exhibitions/ig/inmonetsgarden/img_columboh07_07.htm

(2) [*Excellent site! You can see his other paintings too, under “The Complete Works” tab.] Retrieved from http://www.claudemonetgallery.org/biography.html

(3) Claude Monet. Impression, soleil levant, 1872. Image retrieved from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Claude_Monet,_Impression,_soleil_levant,_1872.jpg

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February 22, 2013 · 9:59 pm

Glass slippers

Cinderella has always been my favorite Disney Princess. Imagine a little Mel playing in her room (this is pre 3rd grade age) trying to tie my hair in the back like Cinderella; or wear an apron like Cinderella; or be graceful in my chores like Cinderella (laundry does NOT balance on the head). We had mice for a while. Yes…pet mice. I say “pet” because we named them…and although I never tried to talk to them or put clothes on them, we did play with them in our Barbie house. We tucked Porter (the male mouse) into bed in the Barbie house using a kleenex then got to playing and forgot about him. Thankfully, Porter had a little sputter (he was getting sick 😦 ) but that is the only way we ended up finding him.

Now a mature adult, I don’t play with mice and Barbie houses or try to balance laundry on my head; I don’t even use an apron in the kitchen. But after a day like yesterday, I asked myself: How did Cinderella keep her grace while running down the stairs and losing her shoe at the same time? Let alone they were glass slippers. I came up with the obvious conclusion: It is not humanly possible. 😀

cinderella-bluray-20  http://www.dvdizzy.com/images/c/cinderella-bluray-20.jpg

If you see me walk, one would note a few specifics: my right ankle curves dramatically inward when I step forward with my right foot; I wobble and sway in every direction; and when I turn corners, I usually end up meeting the wall first. Things as of late have been a bit more difficult, because without my left ear/hearing aid–my “regaining composure” sense is off. Meaning, when I walk my weak side is the right. My left leg and ankle take the weight of what the right is not doing. Most often this does not cause anything but if I go for long walks or exercise, I feel that weight immensely burden my left leg. But right now, that is not the case-more the balance is the problem. My left hearing aid is my strongest of the two. Going with no hearing aid in the left ear has caused more imbalance, especially when turning corners or walking in narrow hallways. But I still have seemed to pull off walking without falling completely. Which is huge!

I mention the curve in my right foot for a specific reason. I have observed that over the past year this problem is increasing…yet might have several factors involved. My shoe is the slip-on shoe. Doesn’t matter what color or style, but as long as it is flat and can go on my foot without using strings or velcro to stay–then I consider them “slip-ons.” Slip-ons for me are like finding a solid pair of jeans: you wear them until they are no longer “wearable.” That might be the first factor. Then you add the curving of the right foot–it starts over time to smash the back left section of my shoe, hence, losing my grip of the foot in the shoe when I take a step. That is also a factor. And just for the record, yesterday was a bit chilly…I probably should not have been wearing slip-ons but it completed my “going out to the coffee shop” outfit. So that is my final factor: my shoes must go with my outfit. LOL.

I was doing just fine in the early part of my errands before I went to the coffee shop. It was not until I was finding a parking solution that my right glass slipper became a problem. You got to admit–it seems that only on days like the one I will tell, is when the small town atmosphere seems awkward. Why? Because someone is bound to recognize you. At least in the city, I brush off these moments with the attitude, “Never going to see anyone here ever again anyway.”  Not so with small towns. Oh well, I suppose.

I found a spot on the street where there was a “No parking” in front of me and only one car behind me. Perfect! I hate parallel parking. So, I pull in and use the extra space in front of me to get up far so I can reverse and turn my wheels in closer to the curb. Getting out of the car, I realized that the hill is slanted so far to the right, I can hardly keep my door open and get out at the same time. There were no cars coming so I literally kick the door open and hold it with my left foot, grab my bag and get out of the car. As I make my way towards the coffee shop, I get to the barber’s and glance back. My parking was hardly on the line of the white box marks. I should have left it, but my OCD kicked in and I decide to go back and “recurve” my car in so I am closer to the curb.

Getting out this time, I had to be more quick as cars and semi trucks came flying down the hill. I get my left foot out, and my right. My bag is on the front seat just within reach and I was about to make a grab-and-go for it when my right foot landed on the ground. COLD ground! I look down to see that my foot came out but not my shoe. By this time, I can’t open the car door until the light changed and so there I stood. My right arm holding the door open (but it looks like my arm is being smashed); my right shoeless foot trying to hide behind my left leg and loads of cars are stuck at a red light–eyes watching me just stand there. A green light could not have come any slower!

I finally get myself together and walk past the barber shop again to notice several people looking at me from the window. “Just try not to trip.” I tell myself. Inside, I feel better. I am excited to get to a nice quiet corner, sip my soy chai and read. I enter the room that has a fireplace. My initial reaction is to just sit at the first table I see. Then I notice one is open by the fireplace. Genius! I make my way through the narrow passage of chairs to the empty table. Right as I pass a table where a girl is studying on her computer, I start to feel myself go unbalanced. Thankfully the chair with her backpack caught my almost fall and spill my chai everywhere disaster, but feeling even more embarrassed, I just say: “I am so sorry. I am so unbalanced today.”

I get to the table and sit. What a very ungraceful past twenty minutes! It was not until the car ride back home that I started finding humor in the story. I can’t imagine how I looked and I found that comical. Aristotle said, “The secret to humor is surprise.” I guess that gives my glass slipper moments of the day some grace; either that or I am still learning to give myself grace too, because ultimately, God reminds me of this grace through others–even strangers who are about to get soy chai spilled on their computer and still smile and say, “That’s ok.” That is grace.

I think even the Duke experienced his own form of grace. The first glass slipper is broken (thanks to the step-mother’s cane) and he already let Cinderella escape the castle the first time. Worried what the king would do, Cinderella offers a little grace: the other glass slipper.

Cinderella4 http://disney.wikia.com/wiki/The_Grand_Duke

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February 19, 2013 · 11:28 pm

Now what?

I have to be honest. I have been procrastinating writing this particular post since Friday. Oh, I tried. And it resulted in tears of frustration. Last week was rough. It was not a good week. I kept finding more things during the day that I could hardly do–the last being I could no longer clip my left fingernails. And I use huge clippers! By Friday night, I just broke down physically and emotionally. I looked in the mirror and could not see anything positive.

Since the decrease of my steroids and now back to them consistent, I have been doing stable. I have full energy back most of the time (at least I feel more energetic) and most of the weight I felt on my upper back is lifted. But I feel it affected my hands on a more permanent level: more weakness and numbness–especially in the right hand as my ring finger is now very heavy from the numbness. I also find I have more curl in the left ring finger… when carrying things I don’t even use that finger. I am having a harder time opening things (especially in the kitchen), putting on makeup, putting in my earrings, unbuttoning my pants in a hurry, putting on thick socks, and typing. In a word: slow. I am getting slow.

I am thankful though that my back is not as heavy as two weeks ago. I have only had a few times of the extreme neck pain. At Thursday’s appointments, I saw some doctors from the Pain Management team. They prescribed these special patches that you place on your area of pain and it helps decrease the pain by numbing it. I have not had to use them yet, but thankful for this because it gives me more freedom to still continue things I would have been doing otherwise. When I use the rice pack, I have to hold on to it or balance it and that gets difficult. They also recommended I get a Physical Therapy evaluation and start PT. It was actually one of my questions as I have been trying to work on my posture–which helps balance, strengthen the back muscles, stimulate bowel movement and just help me in the long-term.

Otherwise, my main doctor and I discussed the steroid pills in terms of steadily staying on them for the time being. I have decided against the other two chemo treatments at this time, but really glad that we discussed things…because it gives me a better understanding for if and when the time comes to reconsider the options. I got all my questions answered. 🙂

Right now I am frustrated and sad. I got my left hearing aid fixed and my ear cleaned yesterday and I still cannot hear; Which means I am going to get a hearing test very soon! (Monday to be exact). But it is hard. I now realize how much I depended on my left ear. I cried last night when my dad had to write down what he was saying so I could understand. I think it is time for me to take another lip-reading class and touch up on my sign language…although due to the hands, I focus more on lip-reading anyway.

Remember my very first post of the New Year? (You can read it here). I talked about seeing the birds in the winter…their safe haven being the butterfly bush outside my window. Here almost two months has gone into the year and how easily I have forgotten that God feeds these birds and knows their needs (Matthew 6:25-27). In my own life, I have felt like these birds–in the cold of winter, finding a safe haven among the little branches of the bush even though the wind and snow still are all around. Almost as if when I say, “Will winter never end?” But really mean it more towards all the current health problems…finding new daily obstacles is like waking up to realize you have to scrap off your icy windshield again.

Today my cat led my attention to a male cardinal outside on the branches of the bush. When Muffy’s ears perked up, I looked and there it was: brilliant red. 🙂 Of course all around outside was snow, but there it was…in the gusty, snowy wind minding its own business. As the wind started to blow, the cardinal’s actions resembled how I feel at the present moment: clinging for dear life. I watched for a while and asked myself, “And what am I clinging to?” The hopes that my body will go back to the way it was before? Quite possibly. Like I said…this weekend, I just dismissed everything. I did not really even talk to God, because I did not know what to say and I was trying not to be angry about all these new changes. I get tired of change.

I don’t want to be stuck in the ruts of winter months forever, so I do need a change. I need to change back to seeing hope in all circumstances. It has already started. I have been going around and making notes of things that are difficult and possible alternatives. My family has been there with suggestions and support. And I know that God does see my life living with potential. I just finally have to cling to that promise with my whole heart.

‘Let not your heart be troubled,’ His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Song: “His Eye is on the Sparrow.” To read more about the story of this hymn, click here.

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February 12, 2013 · 11:54 pm

February 12, 1809

I never took note of this, or maybe most calendars don’t add it to their days–but I noticed on my new calendar that today is Abraham Lincoln’s birthday. That is what it says. I went around the house and checked other calendars to see if it was posted on their February 12th as well. I found one that said it again, along with the date: 1809. 🙂

In light of Lincoln’s birthday, I thought I would share with you my favorite quote:

If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will.

~Abraham Lincoln

I first heard this quote on Disney’s classic, Pollyanna. Pollyanna, a missionary child, is sent to live with her rich aunt after the death of her parents. Encountering a whole different world–now being rich–Pollyanna never seems to lose her spirit of spreading joy, simplicity and gladness with others. She even teaches everyone her “Glad game.” It starts to spread around town, changing people as they start to see life with a different attitude.

Because her aunt is rich and powerful, much of the town is run by her decision, even the sermons at church. During an afternoon talk with the preacher, Pollyanna asked if the minister liked being the preacher of the town. She follows by sharing stories of her father (who had also been a minister) and said that he found a quote that helped him when he got discouraged. It was engraved in her necklace. It was this Abraham Lincoln quote. In reading the quote, the minister realizes that he has been using his pulpit as a way of condemnation. He learns to love his congregation, and in return…more joy and gladness spreads around the town.

I can’t say much about Abraham Lincoln’s life. I don’t honestly know much about it. I know big events, such as the battles of the Civil War and some of his speeches but nothing past that. However, what I have read in glimpse formats throughout some books is that he respected all mankind. Like Pollyanna, that attitude spread–even in spite of the Civil War. He did not agree with everyone, but he had respect. The Apostle Paul writes in Romans 12:16-21,

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written,

‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay’, says the Lord.

To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Valentine’s Day is only but a few short days away. What greater lesson to remember than to seek the good in others, even loving our enemies.

With malice towards none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation’s wounds[.]

~Abraham Lincoln. Second Inaugural Address, March 4, 1865. (1)

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Lincoln Memorial. Washington, D.C.

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Gettysburg Address.

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Lincoln’s hat. Smithsonian Museum, Washington, D.C.

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Standing close to where the Gettysburg Address was said. Gettysburg Cemetary, PA.

Recommendable:

Boritt, Gabor. The Gettysburg Gospel: The Lincoln Speech that Nobody Knows. New York: Simon & Shuster Paperbacks, 2006.

Gross, Anthony (ed). The Wit and Wisdom of Abraham Lincoln. New York: Fall River Press, 1994.

Pollyanna. Disney, 1960.

References:

(1) “16. Abraham Lincoln[,] 1861-1865.” Whitehouse.gov. Retrieved February 12, 2013. http://www.whitehouse.gov/about/presidents/abrahamlincoln

Pollyanna. Disney, 1960.

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February 11, 2013 · 11:12 pm

Sweet Aroma.

If you happen to see me as of late, you might often times catch me with my nose in the air. Don’t think much of it…I am just trying to smell the air, because it carries a sweet aroma. Actually, I don’t even think it is the air. I think it is just my nose or senses. No one else can smell it. I can’t even tell you where it came from. If you are thinking this is insane–it probably is. Even my doctor had never heard of anything like this before. I am thinking it is from one of my medicines. I would have guessed Lovenox, because the scent started decreasing last week once I stopped the blood thinner shots. I was a bit sad, and aghast when I actually smelled something quite unpleasant. I am just one of those rare few that get side effects concerning the sense of smell. It certainly is not the first time that it has happened when taking treatments.

Like I said, I can’t remember smelling the aroma before the blood clot…but I sometimes wonder if I did but did not recognize it. I am a bit slow to piecing these things together. Right before my last doctors appointment, I finally came to my senses [LOL, classic Mel punch line right there–get it??] and realized that I am smelling this sweet aroma everywhere I go. I really can’t describe the smell. It is not vanilla per say, but almost like a fresh rose smell. I have no sense of smell. Literally, so I can’t even remember the last time I smelled a rose…so I am just thinking in my mind that the smell of a rose is the best possible answer. 🙂 I know it is not lavender! Maybe that is because I have never liked the smell–in essence, maybe I am making my smell based off personal bias of favorite flower smells. Isn’t this great? It is like a psychology class. 🙂 Regardless, my sweet aroma is like having a Glad plug-in affixed to my nostrils at all times. 😀 Coming from two and a half years of not smelling to having this aroma in my nose has been quite pleasant!

Last week, I did notice the aroma fade. I thought it ended. I would get wisps of it here and there…that is when I would stick my nose in the air and just smell–grasping as much of it as I could get before it was gone. Mom caught me in the kitchen; it happened at a red light coming home from errands (I am sure it looked most ridiculous…oh well); and it happened Saturday night after my sister and I finished a movie in the basement. Now that it has returned I don’t have to smell the air as often…because I smell it when I breathe. It is almost as if it is inside me.

The sweet aroma was not the only thing to fade last week: my left hearing aid is currently not working, thus, my hearing seemed to “fade” as I depended (or depend) on lip-reading and my right hearing aid only until Thursday’s appointment. My bruises are fading–my stomach is almost back to its normal color in most areas; and as I decreased my dose of steroids, what I got in return was a reverse of side effects of swelling, numbness, and extreme pain in the neck and upper back. As the medicines faded–the side effects worsened so bad that on several times I could not even lift my head. I was a hunchback. Not even my pain medicine helped very much on Saturday afternoon; so I warmed my rice pack, placed it on my neck and crawled into bed for a nap. That seemed to help!

I am now on the plan of getting back on the steroid pills at the moment. It will take time to get to where I was before, but regaining stability to where I can function is the key. It is the thesis of my doctor appointments on Thursday–to formulate a plan: keeping me functioning and independent as long as possible while decreasing the pain without using a lot of heavy pain medicines. Talking with my parents last night made me realize how much I don’t know. I have questions that seem to have no answer.

I also realized last night that I have been having inner denial. I know my body is slowing down, changing, fading…but I just chose the road to dismiss it. Doctor appointments seem like a blur of massive information; I usually get home and totally dismiss everything. I let myself try to forget that I have struggles, pain. I ignore it by pushing myself harder against it. My own act of inner denial of thinking, “I won’t get to that point of extremity health problems.” Sometimes I don’t think that is bad…it gives me the motivation to carry on and conquer. But I also can’t live a life ignoring it either. My dad reminded me last night that things will continue to change. I have so much pressure right now from tumors along the spine in and out that any slight change is going to effect my body.

There will be no timeline of events. No way to prepare or know when the next changes will be. The thing is–everything will fade in time.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. (1 Corinthians 13:12)

– – –

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

These promises will not fade over time. God holds my future. Amidst life’s pain and suffering, those words speak a sweet aroma to the soul:. “But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of him everywhere. For we are the aroma of Christ to God…” (2 Corinthians 2:14-15a).

~

*A song that has been on my mind since last week:

Shaun Groves. “After the Music Fades.” Invitation to Eavesdrop. Provident Records, 2004.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sa9WVoF0fBM

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February 7, 2013 · 3:30 pm

Discussing Jane Austen.

Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates  more to our opinion of ourselves; vanity, to what we would have others think of us.
~Jane Austen

I recently read this interesting web article about Jane Austen. According to the press, Jane Austen’s famous book, Pride and Prejudice turns bicentennial. (Happy 200 years!) What a classic romance! And in all honesty, I have not read the book since high school! Of course, I opt for the movie versions or listen to the soundtrack any chance I can get–especially when I paint. However, I feel that I have done that for long enough! Seeing as February just started, it is my (attempted) goal to read through the novel this month. I just started two days ago. 😀

I have not read any other of Austen’s works, though I have seen movie versions of both Sense and Sensibility and Emma. Lame to watch the movie before reading the book, I know. So I wanted to ask you if you have read them? Is anyone a Jane Austen fan? I would not be ashamed to say so…I just find my readings so sporadic that I enjoy so many authors and subjects that I could never settle for just one author.

If you have read any of Austen’s other novels, I would love to know! I set up this poll in order to see some of your favorite books…as there are seven novels completed (including Pride and Prejudice). I feel at some point I want to read through them all; It is like reading all of C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia series (which are astounding and have my full recommendation!) 🙂

References:

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/janeausten139313.html#fP8UVyC57O4rW4XC.99

Jones, Bryony. CNN. http://www.cnn.com/2013/01/28/world/europe/pride-and-prejudice-200th-anniversary/index.html?iid=article_sidebar. retrieved January 29, 2013.

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February 6, 2013 · 10:12 pm

Ten o’clock news.

Good evening.

Just wanted to tell you about some exciting milestones that happened today!

I was working on pictures this morning and ended up sitting on the floor, as my albums are on the bottom of the bookshelf. If I sit on the floor, I usually place my right leg turned in and my left leg stretched out. Not today! I suddenly realized that I was sitting with both legs crossed. No funny pinching, no Charlie horse cramps in the left thigh–just me sitting with my legs crossed. 😀 I have not been able to do that in over a year! 😀 Milestone #1.

Ok, so this might not be the biggest milestone (has nothing to do with my health other than utilizing upper arm strength)…but Milestone $2: I rearranged my closet shelves!!! 😀 I just think it is great! I feel it is more organized and a better use of the limited shelving. 🙂 Just a fun check mark off my “things that don’t really need to be done, but are starting to bug me” list. Always a satisfying feeling.

And (drum roll, please)…tonight was my last Lovenox blood thinner shot!!!! 😀 Yay!!! After the blood check this morning I told my mom, “If tonight is my last one, I know exactly how to celebrate!” Any guesses?? I am going to sleep in tomorrow morning!!! Ah! Such a way to celebrate! No setting the alarm to get a morning shot. However, I have a feeling I will still be awake, because my body is now used to being up at that time–bummer, but at least I now I have the option to still stay in bed. 😉 Thus, Milestone #3: I have officially transferred from the blood thinner shots to the pills.

That, my friends, concludes a great day!

More to come…

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February 3, 2013 · 5:38 pm

Birds of a Feather

I read this quote in college during the semester I was on the Tarceva oral chemo pills. Amidst chemo, my strenuous 18 credit hours and volunteer time…I found the quote so amusing and fitting to myself that I adopted it for my “quote” of the semester.

Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath. ~Michael Caine

It is nothing theological, philosophical or life changing; in spite of myself, I did not do a good job that semester of keeping calm on the surface…even though everything in me was paddling underneath.

I have not thought of that quote in quite sometime. It was only until Mom and I took a walk around the community park/pond that it resurfaced in my memory. We pull up to the park and see the paparazzi of ducks approaching our car. Mom mentioned we should have brought bread. I remembered that I had one packet of graham crackers left over from the hospital in my purse. Success:

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The small packet of crackers did not last long, even though I tried breaking off small pieces–so we just started to take our walk. Most followed us:

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After realizing we had no more food, they made a rondevu at our car.

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Some needed a little nudge to get out of the way… 🙂

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This little time at the park reminded me of when Jesus fed the five thousand (Matthew 14:13-21). Jesus went to a remote spot to be by himself. The crowds (like our ducks) followed him…seeking Him to meet their physical needs. Jesus did not send them away, like my nudge to the ducks, but had compassion on them. Come dinnertime–Jesus did not have graham crackers, but the disciples had two fish and five loaves of bread. His disciples questioned as to how they could feed these people with only this small amount of food? It was a step of faith to believe that Jesus could feed all. And He did–with abundant left overs! The people did not long for more like the ducks at the park. They left satisfied.

So often I come to God like a duck. I can pretend on the outside to have everything calm and under control. But I do not. My inner being tries to control everything from having a productive schedule to keeping my medicines list straight. It starts to consume me on the inside even if I am calm on the outside. But God sees me as I am: a duck ready for graham crackers–hoping for more than just a life running off a time schedule.

I write this now, because I know it will happen. It is my transition stage–going from high activity and bustle of health related issues to entering the days of “normality.” When this happens, I see my high dependency in Christ diminish. I start taking things back in my own hands; in busyness, I forget to take time to sit and rest; and I easily question the simple tests of faith like the disciples.

It is dinnertime and I don’t want to leave the mountain yet; I still have so much yet to learn.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. ~Matthew 11:28-30

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February 1, 2013 · 10:45 pm

January MRI results.

Hi guys.

Just wanted to give you a heads up about my doctor appointments yesterday. It went well and best of all, I got to spend the day with my dad. 🙂 Ok, so not the greatest father/daughter date but the conversations were well worth the drive.

First, my MRI showed stable results. And while that is a praise, it is also a bit of frustration just because of the increasing side effects…mostly numbness/weakness/finger curling in hands, lack of bowel movement on its own and pressure in the neck. This means that the tumors are probably changing density or hardening–there is no way to ever know that but we just have to assume that something is still causing the pressure on the nerves even if they are “not growing.”

So, with my main doctor–we discussed all my questions and current observations about things I notice changing. We discussed again my two possible treatment options. I have a much to think and pray about in the next few weeks. I need to reread the papers my doctor gave me at the beginning of January and review the treatment side effects, talk with my parents and ask a few other questions to another doctor since I will now be on Warfarin blood thinner pills. Not saying that I will do treatments but not saying I am not either at this point. I just need time to really think and pray about things, as yesterday my mind was a bit overwhelmed. Sure, I got all my questions answered, but left with a full mind…because it is my choice; my doctor is not telling me what to do–so I want to be wise in the decision-making process.

As for everything else we discussed, here is a short synopsis:

I am on the last 2 weeks of the steroids. I started today as the first week where I decrease the amount taken everyday. The following week, I go every other day–then I am done and off the pills. One less pill to take in the morning: YAY 😀

Today, I started taking Warfarin (pills) with my Lovenox. I am officially starting the transition off the Lovenox shots! YAY. 😀

I saw the pain team again. Because I am on such a low dose of Lyrica, they added one more tablet a day to see if that helps with the tension and numbness I am having…especially the pain in the neck area. We also discussed different stretches for me to do to help loosen my shoulders. I also need to work on my posture and keep my chin in when sitting or standing as that is all related to the shoulders and posture. Time for me to get back into stretching exercises in the morning and also, I am going to restart on my own the physical therapy exercises I remember to help get my left leg muscles back to working.

A day like yesterday can be long, strenuous, and mass information–but I like my doctor team so much that it is like talking to friends. They let me ask my stupid questions, laugh with me as I share stories and offer encouragement when I am frustrated (or crying). I am so thankful for all of them.

And that ends my January chapter…one month of the new year down–11 more to go. 🙂 Thank you for all the support and prayers for me and my family…I am so thankful for you too.

More to come…

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January 30, 2013 · 6:14 pm

Walking with my Raincoat.

I’m looking for a friend to hold the door

It’s cold outside when I don’t know where to find

A sheltered place secluded from the race

Of this old life

It is rainy here. Gray, misty, windy. Reminds me of this past month. Seems every turn had bad weather.

As I walked out in the downpour with no raincoat

I was soaked down to the bone from head to toe

Without my raincoat, anywhere I may go

I still get wet somehow

And yet right now as I sit and glance out the window…blueish clouds set in a faded yellow sky. I can’t help but smile.

I found a friend. He’s with me to the end.

He promised me that He would not forsake His own

And when a promise never ends

It can only mean one thing…it’s from above

The sky is now pale pink. The reminisce of hope in the storms.

Now I walk out in the downpour with my raincoat

After all is said and done, He’s still the One

With my raincoat, anywhere I may go

I know I’m alright

Reference: “Raincoat.” Downhere. Word Entertainment, 2001.

 

 

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