If you happen to see me as of late, you might often times catch me with my nose in the air. Don’t think much of it…I am just trying to smell the air, because it carries a sweet aroma. Actually, I don’t even think it is the air. I think it is just my nose or senses. No one else can smell it. I can’t even tell you where it came from. If you are thinking this is insane–it probably is. Even my doctor had never heard of anything like this before. I am thinking it is from one of my medicines. I would have guessed Lovenox, because the scent started decreasing last week once I stopped the blood thinner shots. I was a bit sad, and aghast when I actually smelled something quite unpleasant. I am just one of those rare few that get side effects concerning the sense of smell. It certainly is not the first time that it has happened when taking treatments.
Like I said, I can’t remember smelling the aroma before the blood clot…but I sometimes wonder if I did but did not recognize it. I am a bit slow to piecing these things together. Right before my last doctors appointment, I finally came to my senses [LOL, classic Mel punch line right there–get it??] and realized that I am smelling this sweet aroma everywhere I go. I really can’t describe the smell. It is not vanilla per say, but almost like a fresh rose smell. I have no sense of smell. Literally, so I can’t even remember the last time I smelled a rose…so I am just thinking in my mind that the smell of a rose is the best possible answer. 🙂 I know it is not lavender! Maybe that is because I have never liked the smell–in essence, maybe I am making my smell based off personal bias of favorite flower smells. Isn’t this great? It is like a psychology class. 🙂 Regardless, my sweet aroma is like having a Glad plug-in affixed to my nostrils at all times. 😀 Coming from two and a half years of not smelling to having this aroma in my nose has been quite pleasant!
Last week, I did notice the aroma fade. I thought it ended. I would get wisps of it here and there…that is when I would stick my nose in the air and just smell–grasping as much of it as I could get before it was gone. Mom caught me in the kitchen; it happened at a red light coming home from errands (I am sure it looked most ridiculous…oh well); and it happened Saturday night after my sister and I finished a movie in the basement. Now that it has returned I don’t have to smell the air as often…because I smell it when I breathe. It is almost as if it is inside me.
The sweet aroma was not the only thing to fade last week: my left hearing aid is currently not working, thus, my hearing seemed to “fade” as I depended (or depend) on lip-reading and my right hearing aid only until Thursday’s appointment. My bruises are fading–my stomach is almost back to its normal color in most areas; and as I decreased my dose of steroids, what I got in return was a reverse of side effects of swelling, numbness, and extreme pain in the neck and upper back. As the medicines faded–the side effects worsened so bad that on several times I could not even lift my head. I was a hunchback. Not even my pain medicine helped very much on Saturday afternoon; so I warmed my rice pack, placed it on my neck and crawled into bed for a nap. That seemed to help!
I am now on the plan of getting back on the steroid pills at the moment. It will take time to get to where I was before, but regaining stability to where I can function is the key. It is the thesis of my doctor appointments on Thursday–to formulate a plan: keeping me functioning and independent as long as possible while decreasing the pain without using a lot of heavy pain medicines. Talking with my parents last night made me realize how much I don’t know. I have questions that seem to have no answer.
I also realized last night that I have been having inner denial. I know my body is slowing down, changing, fading…but I just chose the road to dismiss it. Doctor appointments seem like a blur of massive information; I usually get home and totally dismiss everything. I let myself try to forget that I have struggles, pain. I ignore it by pushing myself harder against it. My own act of inner denial of thinking, “I won’t get to that point of extremity health problems.” Sometimes I don’t think that is bad…it gives me the motivation to carry on and conquer. But I also can’t live a life ignoring it either. My dad reminded me last night that things will continue to change. I have so much pressure right now from tumors along the spine in and out that any slight change is going to effect my body.
There will be no timeline of events. No way to prepare or know when the next changes will be. The thing is–everything will fade in time.
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. (1 Corinthians 13:12)
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So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)
These promises will not fade over time. God holds my future. Amidst life’s pain and suffering, those words speak a sweet aroma to the soul:. “But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of him everywhere. For we are the aroma of Christ to God…” (2 Corinthians 2:14-15a).
*A song that has been on my mind since last week:
Shaun Groves. “After the Music Fades.” Invitation to Eavesdrop. Provident Records, 2004.