When all the scenes flow together…

Today my parents and I went to the production of War Horse at the Schuster Performing Arts Center in Dayton. It was a phenomenal performance! Unlike most plays that pause in between different sections for changes in scenes or the props, everything today flowed in motion just like turning pages in a book. Speaking of the book, I have not read it (War Horse by Michael M0rpurgo)–nor have I seen the movie that DreamWorks produced in 2011; so I was a little confused in the second half but am very thankful for the change in seating arrangements they offered when we first arrived, so I could be close to the interpreters. It was a sad, but loving story (always best when based off true events). I can now put the book on my “to read” list, but seeing the play was amazing.

This week, all the “scenes” of the days seemed to flow together. Not a bad thing, just got a tiny overwhelming when you add the normal daily life events to tumbling health factors. The week started pretty typical: who doesn’t have insane schedules these days? I had a few important things this week: my driving test was the first. The PT gave me her clearance but wishes to see me again in six months. It was not until Thursday that I got clearance from my rehabilitation doctor at Children’s. I celebrated by going to Beans-n-Cream for a chai and some reading. I felt a bit social awkward, being out by myself for the first time and having to use my cane for balance, but I still enjoyed being out and back in my favorite coffee-house!

The most important thing was my doctor’s appointment on Tuesday. It was the end of month four of Sirolimus chemo treatments; the start of month five. Although there are no changes for right now as far as what I have been doing in treatments, I still discussed the physical changes that happened in my body over the WI weekend with my doctor.

On the way to WI, something in my body snapped and I got intense pressure (even more so) on my spine, which causes a list of new areas affected or the areas, such as my feet, to worsen. Simultaneously, I have had an increase of stiffness and numbness in my right arm. Over the weekend, I was hoping it was temporary…also because I was chilled all weekend, I thought maybe being back home in warmer air (which never happened, as this week our weather chilled to “winter weather”) and my own bed might release some of this new symptom. I am getting to a point where I need to stop going to bed hoping that tomorrow will bring a ray of release from it all, because it doesn’t happen that way (the way I want)–I only see it to be getting more unstable and on the downward slope.

I really was doing pretty well for the most part this week; I was not until Thursday evening that the pressure in my lower spine increased more…occasionally hitting the tailbone; Best way I can describe the feeling is like coming down on your tailbone while snowboarding. Yesterday was when it started to be obvious that it was affecting my balance more in the evening as I was taking smaller steps in precaution. I don’t want to fall. This morning, I just went ahead and used my cane; and now the walker.

To be honest, I didn’t write this post the past few days because I haven’t even had a chance to grasp it all; I can’t write on this blog (though I try my hardest) about all this in a way for you to understand. I don’t even understand, nor my parents or family that sees it direct and experiences the changes with me–just not physically. These past few days I really have just been a wreck–at least emotionally. And yet I don’t even know what emotions I am really having, because it resembles the production we saw today–all flowing together. And so right now, I am struggling. And that is about as honest as I can be…


Filed under Adjusting to NF2, Books and Movies, Family Times, Hospital Trips

8 responses to “When all the scenes flow together…

  1. Wanda Couzens-Smith

    Continuing to hold you up in prayer daily for ALL your needs. God knows.

    • mel

      Thanks Wanda. I am starting to see a few bigger pictures of how things can work through this and I know He will meet the need…I also have to do my part, which means more OT shopping! 😉

  2. Michelle

    Hey Mel,
    I am not sure with what kind of frequency you like to read books, but there is a book titled “Captivating” that I am reading through. So far it has been concurrent to it’s title. Perhaps, you already have a long list of books you would like to read. This one points to God’s Word in which our innermost being can find shelter in the storms.
    I struggle with emotional ill equilibrium daily. It is freeing to know we do not have to live under the stress of our emotions but under Jesus the one who alone gives us hope and healing. Both in heaven and even now here on earth he is able to forgive sins and heal and restore us according to our faith in Him. I too pray this now for you.
    Lastly, Was the chai tea pumpkin spiced again? My family is still buying and whipping up batches of pumpkin flavored this and that. I would like to start fresh from a real pumpkin and see what could be made. Cinderella’s carriage was a pumpkin at one time… Oh may we believe even more so that Jesus’ life-giving power will transform us and give us a beautiful hope! So, this is love, that Jesus “laid down his life for us…” and wants us to be wooed by him to accept by faith his gift of ethereal life that exceeds all that we could hope for and imagine!
    – Michelle

    • Very well said Michelle. Each day we struggle with something new and our trust must be in our Lord Jesus. Without his strength I am nothing. Since you weren’t on your blog much I have been praying even more for you dear Melinda and will continue to be praying for you in the days to come.

      • mel

        Thanks Liz..yeah I just couldn’t get a post in, so I appreciate your prayers. Today was uplifting…and a new day, even though there were new things still like you said. Life is not meant to stay in one place, but I just was not prepared for drastic change…and I think part of that was not keeping full in the Lord, even though I tried. I just found myself giving up.

    • mel

      Hi Michelle,

      Do you mean Captivating as in by John and Stasi Eldredge? If so, I have read it, but it was a few years ago (and probably not listed under my Goodreads..I find it somewhat a task to remember all the books I have read. LOL) I think a lot of this past few days was the build of emotions…and the lack of confidence in Christ; I don’t think it was bad for me to go through a time like that, because it helped me today when I started to come around and see where I was/am, and where God wants to be with me. It still is not easy but thank you for the reminder that our restoring is in Jesus… 🙂

      The chai was just regular this time, though I did not add it in my post, but I did sneak in a slice of pumpkin pie to go along with the drink. 🙂 I figure I should get in as much pumpkin while I can, because the “season” for it is almost over. :O

      It was good to hear from you. 🙂

  3. Megan

    I’ve felt like the seasons have all been flowing together this year and for some reason this post brought to mind Nichole Nordeman’s song, Every Season. It’s my prayer that in this new and more difficult season of your life that God will be ever more all the close to you from day to day.

    “Every evening sky, an invitation
    To trace the patterned stars
    And early in July, a celebration
    For freedom that is ours
    And I notice You
    In children’s games
    In those who watch them from the shade
    Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
    You are summer

    And even when the trees have just surrendered
    To the harvest time
    Forfeiting their leaves in late September
    And sending us inside
    Still I notice You when change begins
    And I am braced for colder winds
    I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
    You are autumn

    And everything in time and under heaven
    Finally falls asleep
    Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
    Shivers underneath
    And still I notice you
    When branches crack
    And in my breath on frosted glass
    Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
    You are winter

    And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
    Teaching us to breathe
    What was frozen through is newly purposed
    Turning all things green
    So it is with You
    And how You make me new
    With every season’s change
    And so it will be
    As You are re-creating me
    Summer, autumn, winter, spring”.

    XOXO!! Love you sis!! Let’s Skype soon or phone chat:) ~ Megs

    • mel

      Ah, one of my favorite songs ever (besides Cindy Morgan “I Will Be Free” and HoneyTree “Diamond in the Rough”). I definitely feel that I entered the winter season, but I can still learn from it just like the “thankfulness” of Autumn. I just don’t know what God is wanting me to learn from this new situation yet…

      Yes, let’s chat soon!! xoxoxoxo

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