Tag Archives: bad balance

October 26, 2013 · 10:31 pm

When all the scenes flow together…

Today my parents and I went to the production of War Horse at the Schuster Performing Arts Center in Dayton. It was a phenomenal performance! Unlike most plays that pause in between different sections for changes in scenes or the props, everything today flowed in motion just like turning pages in a book. Speaking of the book, I have not read it (War Horse by Michael M0rpurgo)–nor have I seen the movie that DreamWorks produced in 2011; so I was a little confused in the second half but am very thankful for the change in seating arrangements they offered when we first arrived, so I could be close to the interpreters. It was a sad, but loving story (always best when based off true events). I can now put the book on my “to read” list, but seeing the play was amazing.

This week, all the “scenes” of the days seemed to flow together. Not a bad thing, just got a tiny overwhelming when you add the normal daily life events to tumbling health factors. The week started pretty typical: who doesn’t have insane schedules these days? I had a few important things this week: my driving test was the first. The PT gave me her clearance but wishes to see me again in six months. It was not until Thursday that I got clearance from my rehabilitation doctor at Children’s. I celebrated by going to Beans-n-Cream for a chai and some reading. I felt a bit social awkward, being out by myself for the first time and having to use my cane for balance, but I still enjoyed being out and back in my favorite coffee-house!

The most important thing was my doctor’s appointment on Tuesday. It was the end of month four of Sirolimus chemo treatments; the start of month five. Although there are no changes for right now as far as what I have been doing in treatments, I still discussed the physical changes that happened in my body over the WI weekend with my doctor.

On the way to WI, something in my body snapped and I got intense pressure (even more so) on my spine, which causes a list of new areas affected or the areas, such as my feet, to worsen. Simultaneously, I have had an increase of stiffness and numbness in my right arm. Over the weekend, I was hoping it was temporary…also because I was chilled all weekend, I thought maybe being back home in warmer air (which never happened, as this week our weather chilled to “winter weather”) and my own bed might release some of this new symptom. I am getting to a point where I need to stop going to bed hoping that tomorrow will bring a ray of release from it all, because it doesn’t happen that way (the way I want)–I only see it to be getting more unstable and on the downward slope.

I really was doing pretty well for the most part this week; I was not until Thursday evening that the pressure in my lower spine increased more…occasionally hitting the tailbone; Best way I can describe the feeling is like coming down on your tailbone while snowboarding. Yesterday was when it started to be obvious that it was affecting my balance more in the evening as I was taking smaller steps in precaution. I don’t want to fall. This morning, I just went ahead and used my cane; and now the walker.

To be honest, I didn’t write this post the past few days because I haven’t even had a chance to grasp it all; I can’t write on this blog (though I try my hardest) about all this in a way for you to understand. I don’t even understand, nor my parents or family that sees it direct and experiences the changes with me–just not physically. These past few days I really have just been a wreck–at least emotionally. And yet I don’t even know what emotions I am really having, because it resembles the production we saw today–all flowing together. And so right now, I am struggling. And that is about as honest as I can be…

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October 16, 2013 · 10:39 pm

Rebalance

The Olympics are always a fascinating two-week event to watch (Even more so, the Paralympics that come a few weeks after!!) Although I enjoy watching the ice skating, curling, and speed skating competitions, my favorite of the two seasons (winter/summer) is the Summer Games. Last summer, the Olympics were held in London–which I found fabulous as Britain/UK is on the top of my own “Mel’s World Travels” sort of wish list. I had been reading several books on the reigns of the different kings/queens and through some church history already, so when CBS would air the “interesting things of London” segments, I felt like a school kid.

At that time, I worked early morning shifts and would be home by lunch for the rest of the day. This meant that I had the chance to watch the afternoon events that you don’t normally see in the evening time as they get crowded out from the more popular ones. I got to see sailing, archery, table tennis, equestrian, judo, fencing, taekwondo and I watched some weight lifting. It was all very interesting.

Every sport has an attribute in which I feel they put more attention to more than another sport would focus on…for example: soccer: kicks and feet motions; synchronized diving: timing of the downward movements; equestrian: pose and maintaining your horse; rowing: upper body strength; and my favorite, because I have none–gymnastics: BALANCE!

I should correct myself: I don’t have much balance, but anymore these days even my “much” balance does not account for much. 😉 I could venture to say that I somewhat occasionally perform floor exercises like a gymnast, but less graceful in the air, more flapping of arm movements and I never land on my feet (quite the opposite.) However, the balance issue is currently being worked on during these past few PT sessions and ones yet to come. My rehabilitation doctor at Children’s prescribed for me to get ankle braces. These aren’t just any ankle brace–they are AFO braces. (I like the abbreviation–it stands for Ankle-foot Orthotic.) They look like this:

ankle-foot-orthosis-afo-80454-3202943 medicalexpo.com

What you see is what it is–huge, feels like hard plastic, from knee past the toes bondage for your feet. So far the only fun part has been my display of cool designed knee-high socks, which I actually only get to wear on the right leg as the neutral colored compression stocking takes the left leg. But with jeans on, nobody notices anyway. Otherwise, these AFO’s are hard work! I feel I am training for the Olympics, except in my case, I am “re-training” my brain to use the muscles that have weakened after years of atrophy. Also, these braces are helping my right ankle to stay straight when I walk (but I feel it trying to twist) and in time, I hope the added weight my left leg gains from the weak right side will balance out too.

The exercises so far have been small but aiming at balance. It is unbelievable how it can make your legs feel like Jello within a few minutes! We took another strength-goals test today to see how I am progressing…even though it has had two DVTs, my left leg is the strong leg! But that doesn’t surprise me. Usually by the end of my session, I am ready for the braces to come off, but today I went an hour longer after my PT left and did normal routine things…then I was ready to take them off! The walker proved to be a useful resource in stability as I walked around the house just fine today; best part was when I needed a break, I locked the wheels and sat for a minute to catch my breath.

This is only the beginning. Change will not happen over night…it is going to take time, effort, and a lot of sore muscles. In the end, I should (and hope) be able to wear the braces regularly in a day; I anticipate less falling, but that may just be inevitable.

I am ready for the challenge: it makes me feel like an Olympian.

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The Olympic Stadium. Athens, Greece.

But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold. Job 23:10 ESV

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August 26, 2013 · 10:47 pm

Looking Upward

Over the weekend, I finally accomplished putting into chronological order and placing my college to present pictures in photo albums. It brought back many great memories. As I sorted, I found these pictures that made me laugh at the memory of the evening:

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During my years living in the Denver area, I lived in a neighborhood called Bel Mar. On the corner of Wadsworth and Alameda, this was the rising place for living and shopping. The Target I was employed at was about fifteen minutes from Bel Mar…connected to a flat mall that had an indoor mile track that ran its course around the stores. I enjoyed a mile walk on my lunch breaks. I think every mall should be modeled after that one.

Even though there were a few Target stores in the area, Bel Mar also built one a few months before I moved. It was one of the “new city” model styles where the parking garage was underneath on the “first floor,” making the actual retail store on the second floor, all of course equipped with escalators, a stairway, and an elevator. I opted for the escalators.

Mom came to Denver every other week to help me on my chemo weekends. After the grand opening of Target (we had watched it being built over time), I wanted to show her the inside of the new Target. Up until this point, I had only been in a few times, because it was more convenient for me just to get my needs and groceries from my Super Target rather than stop at another one on the way home. But with Mom, we had grabbed a few groceries and as we left, I made a discovery: they even had an escalator for your carts!!! I was laughing so hard, Mom was afraid I would fall down our own escalator. 🙂

Currently, I have recently developed a phobia of walking down the stairs. Going up the stairs is not a problem; just coming down. Too many falls in the past few months has triggered this phobia, but I can’t say that I had really classified it as a fear up until a few weeks ago when I mentioned it to a friend. Now I am not even sure if it is just the stairs I fear falling–I think it is falling in general.

With my balance continuing to worsen, I have now restarted Physical Therapy, but it takes place here at my house. Due to the decline of function in my hands (especially the right hand), I will also be starting soon some sessions of Occupational Therapy. The reason for having the sessions here at home is to help me with my everyday living. For example, because I started my first PT session last week, we did a huge overview of my current conditions and discussed the areas in which I need assistance. Most of my current frustrations deal in the realm of OT, but balance was a major issue for me in PT. She gave me a suggestion for going down the stairs sideways, but to be honest, it doesn’t make me feel any better about the decline. As for right now we are mainly focusing on extra balancing exercises to accompany the PT strengthening exercises I have been doing already.

To access my current conditions, my therapist had me perform some “strength and mobility” tests. I can only stand on one foot for a mere one or two seconds…and standing with one foot in front of the other depends on which foot is placed first. Considering I have had two blood clots in my left leg, don’t be surprised to hear that it is my stronger leg. I think it always has been to be honest. When we lived in Colorado, I did get the chance to learn how to snowboard before my balance would no longer permit the activity. My Dad insisted that my sister and I take a half day of lessons before we just went out on our own. At the rental shop, when deciphering which foot you will put forward on the board, the rental personal did a little test. He had me turn around and gave me a slight nudge. I put my left foot forward first. He said, “You’re a regular foot.” (A right foot is called a goofy foot.) I think if anyone gave me a little nudge today, I would just fall over.

I am seeing the reality that my balance and falling will worsen. I have no control over it. There are days when I am to the point of tears at my balance. Other days, I find humor in it. I think it parallels the balance of life: days when strength is strong and days when strength is weak…in both I need to keep looking upwards, knowing when I fall, He still stands.

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

Psalm 121: 1-2 ESV

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April 4, 2013 · 11:03 pm

A Day Like Today

Today ended up being my last session of Physical Therapy. I was not anticipating this at all since I was scheduled two more sessions next week. I feel as if I “graduated,” and now I get to go forth and onward in life taking the new stretches and exercises I learned and hope to maintain what I have started to build in terms of healthier muscles. I think my eight sessions of PT also caused me to be more aware of the little daily tasks in life that I have come to see cause neck pain or bad posture.

For example, I don’t wear much make-up; but after starting PT, I noticed that bending over the counter to apply my eye liner, shadow, and mascara caused pain to appear in my neck from the position of bending in and straining forward to be close to the mirror. I ventured to Target one afternoon and found myself a nice square mirror with a handle on the top and brought it home. I already have an over-the-door hook for my bathrobe, so I moved my robe to a different hook and placed my mirror over the door instead. Brilliant. Best five dollars spent in the month of March! One side note though, the hook is not that low, so when I apply my eye make-up…my nose is what I first see in the mirror. Good thing it is not any higher or I would need a stepping stool!

Since this morning brought unexpected good news, I–in excitement–decided to celebrate in the best way possible. I grabbed Taco Bell for lunch then headed to Wal Mart to buy an exercise mat so my twice-a-day PT routines can be more enjoyable rather than just the hard floor. I wish I had a mat down the other morning as I took a “trust fall” to the ground.

“Trust fall.” I am sure you have heard of the term. It was the part of church camp obstacle courses I did not like. It was not in part of trusting the person behind me…it was trusting myself just to fly backwards. I just never could with grace or ease until Tuesday morning as I tripped over my own feet and pajama bottoms as I got out of bed. It sent me flying backwards, trust fall fashion, until my head snapped off the ground and I just lay flat. Not the best way to start your day, but all I suffered was a minor headache during the day.

Until yesterday. I woke up thinking to myself, “I have the worst swollen glands!” It took a few morning hours at the coffee shop to realize that it was not swollen glands. My entire bottom neck by my collar-bone just throbbed; I finally figured that it was major whiplash from my fall–it is more like a pulled muscle. I was fine during the day for the most part; but towards the early afternoon and evening, the bad posture and sticking out my neck due to the throbbing front portion of my neck caused the intense pain to start in the back of my neck. Of course, I could have done a bit more relaxing during the day, but I had this drive to organize my file box. After a few loads of paper trash, three times emptying my shredder and frequent “lay down on the bed to give my neck some relief” times–my file box had a complete make-over. It felt grand.

I got in bed for the night and placed my heating pack on my neck. I started to think of what to say to my PTA about my Tuesday’s fall; I already had to tell her two weeks ago about another fall I took on the wood floor in the hallway–note to self: Mel wears shoes in the house at all times…not sock feet!! Or just now, I go in my room and miss the light switch, take a step forward in the dark and fall into my closet–note to self: Mel leaves a small lamp on in her room once it gets dark outside. PT has trained my mind to become more aware of these problems; it is just that I do not think of these problems or solutions until they occur. 😉

Anyway, it did not take me long to fall asleep last night and before you know it, I was up an hour before my alarm was set to go off. I decided to use the extra time to read. I love morning readings. My mind seems so open, though my left eye would not stop twitching today. I am currently reading David Crowder’s book, Praise Habits: Finding God in Sunsets and Sushi. This morning I was reading his chapter on Psalm 8, in which he rewrites the Psalm in his own words in form of worship. This paragraph seemed to gratify my thoughts:

I look up at your macro-skies, dark and enormous,

your handmade sky-jewelry,

Moon and stars mounted in their settings.

Then I look at my micro-self and wonder,

Why do you bother with us?

Why take a second look our way?*

I fell asleep last night after a day of what I consider macroscopic pain! I woke up this morning with only the usual morning stiffness that went away after I started moving around and getting breakfast. Yesterday I did not do any of my PT exercises or stretches; today I did them all (minus a few neck routines.) I went all day with no pain like yesterday.

I feel microscopic; I examine my thoughts and stand in wonder (awe) that God would heal this pain so quickly–that today was not a day of pain, but of celebration and fellowship. It leaves me singing as the Psalmist, “O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!” (8:1)

*Crowder, David. Praise Habits: Finding God in Sunsets and Sushi. Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 2004. Pg. 49.

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