Light

Today was refreshing. Encouraging. Restful. (I like naps!) A time of fellowship with a friend. And sunshine.

I am not implying that the sunshine alone turned my attitude in a 180 degree motion, but waking up to its light did lift the mood as I prepared my breakfast and sat down for coffee and morning readings. Last night, I ended the day pretty much in despair. I saw little hope. I felt sick in my stomach/intestines and getting ready for bed was in pain from the pressure in my neck.

Mornings are a better time of day for me; I am a morning person, though I can totally stay up late as well. But I feel energized in the morning and this morning was no different. I still woke to the same problems I fell asleep to last night, except the pain in the neck was gone and not as much pressure on the spine. My stomach issues are just something else anyway, but I did enjoy a light breakfast.

Finishing my coffee, I read the passage in Genesis where Jacob wrestles with God. I always find this passage interesting, because we see Jacob on his way to meet his brother Esau after fleeing from him years before because he stole Esau’s birthright and the blessing from their father Isaac. So now the night before they meet, Jacob is afraid. I read the Matthew Henry Commentary for this particular passage and it was discussing how Jacob stayed behind, alone, to pray…”wrestling” with the Lord.

And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. Then he said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” And he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.” Genesis 32:24-28

I can’t say that I have ever prayed fervently a whole night about my fears…to be honest, this past week, I don’t even think my prayers got past the phrase, “I can’t do this…” Not even this morning’s prayers were very specific, but knowing that I can wrestle my inner thoughts, emotions and everything before God enables me to be vulnerable. I think of vulnerability like dependency = the sign of weakness. But it can be a source of strength–like my walker…it implies a tone of “handicap”, but it is a source of strength and stability when I walk. And today, I was able to get my walker to my car, in my car and drive to meet my friend for an afternoon coffee/chat. I don’t always need my walker or my cane as this morning, I was walking fine without them, but being independent, still needs dependent. I am finally accepting that my safety, when on my own, needs the stability.

Acceptance is rough. Although today, I found a ray of sunshine…of hope. I can live with these new changes, though I am still figuring out how, it is still difficult and I will still have melt-down days of despair, but today, light prevailed.

We ought to continue instant in prayer, always to pray and not to faint: frequency and importunity in prayer prepare us for mercy.

Wrestling believers may obtain glorious victories, and yet come off with broken bones; for when they are weak then are they strong, weak in themselves, but strong in Christ.

Matthew Henry Commentary. Biblegateway.com