Leaning Forward – Job 23:10

PLEASE NOTE THAT THERE IS A VIDEO MESSAGE AND BIBLE VERSE FROM MELINDA BELOW THIS SHORT UPDATE FROM OUR FAMILY.  🙂

Hello, Faithful Readers of Melinda’s Blog!  This is Melinda’s older sister (Melissa) here.  As some of you may have noticed, there has been a lull recently in Melinda’s blog posting, and we wanted to make you aware of what has been happening so that you have some context for her video message. On May 5th, Melinda went to the Children’s Hospital for her regularly-scheduled visit. She had been noticing some changes in her body, particularly in her leg.  She described her legs as “heavy.”  While at the hospital, her legs stopped working and she has been unable to walk since.  She was requiring in-home aides day and night prior to this, but now with this change she needs a minimum of two people assisting her at all times. She was admitted to the hospital for a few days and has since been transferred to a nursing home (8 miles from our parents’ house) with the help of her doctor.  In addition to her leg troubles, her eyesight has also rapidly declined to the point where she can no longer see to type on the computer, even with her magnifying glass.  She wanted to give you all an update, so we have recorded this message from her. We have transcribed Melinda’s video message for you all below as we know that her voice change due to deafness can be hard to understand sometimes, and there may be those of you who would just rather read than watch.  In the future, all of Melinda’s blog posts will be transcribed from video, but this is probably the only time we will actually post the video as well. The video files are so large and take such a long time to upload. We had trouble getting it to post.  For this transcription, I have typed out Melinda’s speaking word for word, including the fact that Melinda was crying during the video as she struggled to put her deep and raw emotions into words.  I have included all of her pauses and thinking phrases in the transcription such as “um,” “you know,” and “yeah” because we are also including the video with the transcription for this post. In the future, those sorts of pauses and thinking phrases will be omitted to help with transcription and the flow of reading. Other than that, all of the words in her posts will be Melinda’s own. I expect that most of her blog posts coming up will be given through a great many tears. She is being so brave.

Melinda wanted us to share the verse Job 23:10 with you along with her video message.

Job 23:10 —

“But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.”

Here is the link to Melinda’s video:  https://vimeo.com/128215277

I would encourage you to watch the video first and then read the transcript after, if you are able.

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

Hi, Everyone!  It’s Mel.  I just wanted to say thank you very much for your prayers for me and, uh, my family over the past few days with all these changes. And um, just wanted to give you a little update on things… how things are going.  For one, it’s been one of the hardest changes that I’ve ever had in my whole, you know, past 13 years with this disease. And um, you know, even though I felt that God was preparing me a little bit in the mind with different things… different blog posts before, different, you know, dreams I was having, and different things I was learning… I just never expected some of the ways of the things that I was praying for, like getting more help at home, you know, so Mom can do more things.

And, you know, I could feel things in my body changing. I knew, you know, my left leg was getting a little… little bad, but I didn’t think at the time that I would have, you know, any problems with it. And, you know, I obviously have known that my eye has been going down, but I never thought, you know, all the combination of everything. But it changed so fast! It just, overnight! And, um, (sob) it’s been hard. (through crying and tears) You know, you go from being, you know, able to do things like pick my own lunch, and what I want to drink, or when I want to go to bed, different things like that, to um, you know, all the sudden feeling like I have to follow, you know, “the code.” Everything else here, they do, um… you know, all at the same time. You know, everyone eats at the same time, we all eat the same meals, you know, we all go to bed at the same time. And I just… I’m not… I haven’t transitioned into that.

And I’m really struggling with being a younger person here, and, um, trying to still be that younger person and not be jealous of these older people who have had their lives to live. And now all of the sudden, you know, I’m here like one of them. And not being able to do things that I’ve wanted to do like, you know, still be with my family, and have family meals (crying), and, (sob) you know, stay up talking, and different things like that.

And I’ve been very blessed with, you know, already friends visiting, and my family coming, and different things like that. But it still gets very lonely here when… when people leave. And (sniff) I’m just really struggling with (sniff) the thoughts of the… um… I have to be here for the rest of my life! And (sobbing) I’m already sick of bedpans and having to wait otherwise to use the bathroom or, you know, brushing my teeth in the chair cause I can’t get up to use the sink. And, you know, different things like this. And (sigh) I just sometimes think of, you know, if this is… if this is seeming like its only been… seeming like it’s already been forever, then… you know.

I’m just really struggling with (deep sigh)… being here. I just… (sniff) having so much time to think, because I really can’t do much with the lighting in my room during the day time. And I like try to do different things, but it’s not like home where Mom… I can just be like, “Hey, Mom!” She comes around and helps me pick up my pen. You know, I drop a pen here and I have to wait. And there are so many other people that have needs too. And I just go from struggling, like I take too much time… to struggling to… like, I wanna be still be doing things… you know.

And um, (sigh) I’m also struggling because I’m having a really hard time with my vision going down. I’m having a really hard time reading my Bible on my Nook, and even seeing my pictures in my prayer journal. And sometimes I have a really hard time sleeping at night. And I know… um… (through tears) I know I’m going through some spiritual things (crying), even though I have been trying to, like, you know, remember Bible verses and sing different songs in my head. I just… (sniff) I’m really struggling with that aspect of knowing that sometime I’m going to have to stop reading my Bible, and realizing that maybe, like, I should have (sob) hidden more of God’s Word in my heart. And I don’t think (deep sob)… I don’t think I’m ready, ready for this.

I just… (sob)… as much as I see how God has planned it, and He is going ahead of me (sob) and planned different things, like (sniff) having, you know, different people here, you know, ahead of time. And I’m, um, you know, in a very good spot, and I am close to home, but it’s not the same. And just, (sniff) still having a hard time trusting that, you know, I still have a purpose. (sob) Because right now I’m really struggling with (sniff) just sitting around all day and feeling like I’m not doing anything. I just… it’s a mind thing, and that’s where I’m really struggling with that. And I really… I miss… I miss just the way things were. But you know (sniff), um… you know, when I stand, I’m supposed to, you know, “lean forward.” Because, you know, when I lean back it only makes it harder for the person helping hold me to, you know, get to the potty chair or something. And I have to lean forward, and I know that, you know, this is kind of the same in some aspects. I can only lean forward, because… and, you know, for some reason I don’t understand. (sob) And I know that, you know, (sigh) God will keep me going forward through it. And I can’t physically… I can still see, but I can’t physically see what comes next. (deep sigh) But I just have to keep “leaning forward”… trusting… trusting that, you know, that the new direction has something. And that I’ll still see it in my heart, and spiritually too.

And I would just like to ask for some prayer for some (sob)… um, some peace (sob)… um, because it just… (sob) it just came so fast! (through crying) And I knew, um, changes were happening, but usually they are slow changes. And it’s just been really hard adjusting. And I just miss family, and communication, and living outside, you know, not only just the chair, but just outside. Doing things like I used to be doing. And if you can just continue to pray for the peace for me, and the transition, and for my family too, I’d really appreciate it. And I do thank you for all the prayers and everything… and flowers, and gifts, and visits, and encouraging notes that you’ve already sent. I am very blessed, and I’m trying… I’m trying to see that, and, you know, keep that in mind. And I just wanted to thank you for that. And I want to keep you guys updated. (nodding) And, um… yeah.

I do hope that, um, you know, in time… (deep sigh)… I can blog about some other things that I’ve been, you know, thinking and learning. And hopefully, you know, that God will show me soon, (sigh) you know, maybe more about a new direction. So thank you again, and um… I’ll, um… talk to you later!! (smile and laugh)

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More Changes

This video was recorded in mid-March 2015. It was a senior project of a communication student, Emily Paul, at Cedarville University. Since this recording, the soul and spirit continue to remain strong, but the body has failed rapidly. Since May 5th, she has not been able to stand or walk. Her vision is fading day by day. She is now receiving fulltime care at a nursing home.  Prayers are appreciated with this changing condition and new transition.

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Where Do I Begin?

One can say, my life last Monday was “normal” as far as typical routine goes. In my mind, I knew there were changes happening. What I didn’t know was that at my doctor appointment my world would be turned totally upside down. This appointment was just supposed to be a typical check up. I assumed this appointment would be short and I would be home by evening. Home in time to get a goodnight sleep to start my typical routines the next day. I have problems standing and I hit my right leg that was already healing for some time from another injury. For my safety, I was admitted to the hospital for the night (which is what I thought). The next morning, a doctor came in and my first question was, “What were they looking at for healing” so I know when I can go home. He said they were still working on a plan or thinking it over as a team. Later that afternoon, the social worker came in. She communicated by writing on a dry-erase board that I can hold close to my diminishing eye. I was shocked to learn that for my safety and because of my health changes I would not be going home. Instead, I would be transferred to a nursing home. Suddenly, my world came crashing down and the thoughts of not going home were overwhelming. In a moment’s time, I had about a billion fears, tears and questions all at the same time.

That night I really did not sleep much. I started to think of more questions and details of how these changes would work. It did not help that after Mom and Dad left I tried looking at my prayer journal and praying about different things. I started crying again. I finally shut the book and called the nurse to help me get ready for bed. Over the next few days, there were a lot of discussions about the details. A lot of my questions at the beginning did not have answers, as this was all new for my family as well. I guess the hardest part in all of this is that I will be moving into a place that I considered is only for old people. As we started talking about other things, my fears about the nursing home started to ease. I found out the nursing home is close to my parents’ home and it was recommended to them as a good place.

The thing is . . . now that I am forced to sit in a wheelchair or a bed for my safety, I get to spend a lot of time thinking. The other night I could see how I was almost prepared for this, but did not realize until now. I had recorded three blog posts earlier that I was waiting for someone to type. They would not make sense now, but in some way what I had recorded and experienced, I can see now that God was helping to prepare me for this sudden change. I think my problem right now is that I am still too independent. I am not at peace with letting go of my sight or my walking. I told my mom about three weeks ago that I was on a different path and I do not understand why. I told my mom too that I am tired of being brave, but I am going to try. These changes are NO FUN, but sometimes when I think I have gone through just about everything, something else happens.

Yesterday, I was given a gift of a painting canvas and finger paint. We went to the activity room and had a lot fun. I forgot about everything. I did some painting and got my hands dirty. It was mom’s idea to use my hands to paint my flowers. When I was all finished, I needed a title for my painting. I could not think of anything at the moment. Later that night, after my parents left, I got a shower. I decided to go ahead and get a goodnight’s sleep. I really wanted to have a title for the painting. Because mom and I potted some flowers a week ago, I wanted to title the painting “Working In the Garden”. Different songs started coming to my mind. One song was a Steven Curtis Chapman’s song, “Fingerprints of God”. In the second verse he writes about how there has never been or never will be another me! This song tells how God’s perfect plan from the first beat of my heart is uniquely me; “a living, breathing, priceless work of art”. Sometimes when changes big or small begin, I forget this. I know that God goes before me and has answered some of my prayers, though not as I was wanting them to be answered. The biggest lesson I am learning now is ‘trust’ as I am in full dependency on everyone for everything. The nurse even wrote on the dry-erase board “You are safe” and I have to trust them. But even more, what I need is to let go of my dreams and myself and trust God’s faithfulness; knowing God has bigger dreams and no matter what, I am safe in His arms.

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Fingerprints Of God

Lyrics by Seven Curtis Chapman
I can see the tears filling your eyes
And I know where they’re coming from
They’re coming from a heart that’s broken in two
By what you don’t see
The person in the mirror
Doesn’t look like the magazine
Oh but when I look at you it’s clear to me that

I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know it’s true
You’re a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you’re covered with the fingerprints of God

Never has there been and never again
Will there be another you
Fashioned by God’s hand
And perfectly planned
To be just who you are
And what he’s been creating
Since the first beat of your heart
Is a living breathing priceless work of art and

Just look at you
You’re a wonder in the making
Oh and God’s not through no
In fact he’s just getting started and

I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know it’s true
You’re a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you’re covered with the fingerprints of God

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Light of His Glory

How is it that light is a cause of blindness? It is something I cannot fathom, yet that is my problem. This is not a stare-at-the-sun problem…it is any light. From sunny or overcast days, lamps and overhead lights, to the background color brightness on my computer and Nook.

I probably drive my family nuts, because one minute it is dark for me, especially when   natural light still streams in the windows; eventually, lights are turned on where needed, depending on what I am doing and where I sit, you’ll hear, “Hold on…eye is adjusting!” The contrast of dark and light is effected by anything: how Fast I turn my head; the color of the room or what people are wearing; light reflecting off my silverware or bathroom counter; and even how much I strain my eye reading what I type or Nook or finger spelling.

I do not feel that my eye is dimming in darkness like my right eye…rather it is fading through the blind spots. The more I strain my eye, the, more I think light sensitivity increases.

“I feel like a star,” I tell Mom as she helps me with emails…except that night, my thoughts of stars were backwards. Instead of getting brighter before they die out, they already have died. We see that radiance thousands of light years away. To

realize I am but a speck in the heavens, yet God calls me by name, only puts me more in awe of

His Majesty. My eyes may never see stars again, but when I focus my eyes on Jesus, I see the Light of His Glory and Grace.

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A New Way to View Walking (Part Two)

This is a memory in which I do not have the whole picture…only the images of what impacted my heart remain.

I must have been alone in our dorm room that early evening of my sophomore year at CCU. I was watching a program on the TV, which actually turned out to be a movie based on true events (unknown to me at the time.) I remember a woman encouraging a boy to persevere through life’s challenges and his learning disability.   Most importantly to keep his faith in God. Next he was in college and becomes a doctor…a pediatric Nuero Surgeon. It was the story of Dr. Ben Carson, M.D.; the movie titled Gifted Hands.

Of course, I still didn’t  know  this as I am finishing watching, but remember crying during the scene where he raises his hands in prayer before entering the operating room to perform his first surgery on Siamese twins.

After the movie ended, I went for a walk. I don’t think I intended to go far—maybe just clear my mind, because it was so full of emotion about Dr. Carson’s story. Leaving the dorm, I took a right that kept me headed toward the soccer field. When I neared the end of the field, I remember stopping dead in my tracks. I can’t tell you what I was thinking or discussing with God before that because I don’t remember, but this I do: standing right there, I told God that if I ever needed a wheelchair, I would be okay with it.

I don’t understand why we discussed this at that time…it had nothing to do with the movie. Greater still, that I would tell Him during the prime of physical best, or why it reappeared to memory seven years later…as I now enter the stage of physical worst.

I never told anyone about that   conversation until a few weeks ago when Mom came in to say goodnight. In tears, I said that I think He wants to know if I still mean it…asking, “Do you still trust me?”

I am not in a wheelchair yet, but have sat in some for full days a few times due to doctor appointments or shopping trips. I never feel so much freedom than when I get  home to my walker. And if I trust the human hands to guide me, how much more to trust my all to the Hands that gave me life—and it is only by His Grace that I still walk, because every part of my being says the opposite. I’m overwhelmed with thankfulness and in this new season of growth, I know that God is teaching me and preparing me to fully trust Him for the day when I sit full time in a wheelchair. And when that happens, I want to once again say with my whole heart that I am okay with it.

“Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him. For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as He hears it, He answers you. And thought the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide Himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it.”

Isaiah 30:18-21

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A New Way to View Walking (Part One)

During my Denver days, I did a lot of walking. I started just as a college freshman going around campus to classes, chapel, the cafeteria or my favorite: basketball games on the weekends. Our campus was not that large—probably only a mere block of Lakewood, which is a suburb of Denver. Besides weekly off-campus ministry, I didn’t venture around much that first year…but it wasn’t like I was unfamiliar with Denver and surrounding areas. All the adventures Mom and I had during my radiation treatments in high school were refreshed very quickly.

The change began that summer before returning to CCU as a sophomore. I met God. GFGGG For the first time since diagnosis, I embraced the unanswered unknowns—and opening my heart was the first of small steps to bigger  change, and it changed everything.

I returned to campus feeling anew; not sure when it began, but I started walking the neighborhood behind campus. A few blocks up, past an elementary school, there was a grassy hill, surrounded by trees to set it apart from the houses. There was a play area for kids and a swing-set. I walked there quite often, just to swing.

I continued these walking neighborhood ventures the rest of my time that I lived on campus…even when I did move off and got an apartment with friends, I still went for lots of walks.

Looking back, it probably was not the smartest thing to wander around alone, even if I was careful. But I never felt alone because my times were spent talking with God. I have to say that I did most of the talking. But when I finally stopped and listened, I saw Him in nature. And even though He didn’t really speak to me at that time about things that I brought up in discussion, I saw now seven years later that I was seeing some more discussions reappear.

Even though today my walking is a bit different, when I feel someone’s hand help guide me or point me in a direction I need to go, I think back on these walks when I could feel God with me, even if it was just the breeze in my hair, the beauty of the spring flowers or crunching through the leaves in the fall. I cherish those walking memories and even though now I sit, I am still trying to see God from a different perspective and in our new discussions I have learned that He may not answer right away, I know He will answer and I am ready to listen.

Jars of Clay ~ Love Song for a Savior

In open fields of wild flowers
She breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses
In no simple language
Someday she’ll understand the meaning of it all
Chorus:
I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You

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I can see You!

Can you see me?

I can see you, but it is not how you see me. I see your figure and body movements…your face, now a clear-ish fuzzy blind spot.  Like anything else, I wish to view with some clarity, I unfocus my eye or look beyond—in hopes to catch a glimpse of  time past the void; yet even then, my unfocused-refocusedness only sees a faded view…the details driven from memory.

How does one live in a changing world of detail by mere use of memory?  To realize your own capacity for the details in life…it becomes overwhelming, and most—if not all—I cannot keep account of my own details.

Details—even in the fading, I see my need to surrender what was my obsession—being detail oriented. Being organized is not a problem, but when it becomes a worry, it is time to let go. And when I refocus on talking to God, I know that He sees me, but not in the way that I see Him.  He saw me before I was born and created me with such detail.  I stand in awe.  I only see Him through my spiritual eyes, because I know how He has worked in my life in the past years.  But in my memory, the details return of all the prayers he has answered in the past.  Of all the detail that came into place at the perfect time.  This is what helps when I am in my times of overwhelmingness, because I know my prayers are being heard and the prayers of many others, and all the little details will again be answered in His perfect timing.

“Perfect Time”

(Chorus)

Believe me, I’m not afraid to
Teach me to learn Your ways
Carry me under Your wings
In Your perfect time
Only You, can dreams come true
Only You can make me shine
Only You, can days be right
In Your perfect time

Lyrics by Moya Brennan

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His Hands and Feet

“Have you ever considered eating a challenge?” I ask looking up from my plate, totally interrupting Mom and Dad’s conversation. We were having bean burritos. Like any other dinner, I was making a mess—but this was close to catastrophy. “Maybe next time I should just eat beans with  a spoon,” I add as I wipe my face and hands with yet another napkin. Looking helplessly back down at my food, I sigh and end, “I can’t figure out which is the open or closed tortilla to pick up.” Dad reaches over and hands me the correct end…I get about three more bites in before it falls apart. Another napkin and scrub from a wet dishcloth, I was finished.

A little later that night, I was sitting at tbe dining room table, with a few large piles of books in front of me…the last of books to send, as the remaining few on my bookshelf are special or for my family to enjoy. I was having problems grouping some of the titles, so I leaned back in my chair to think.

Out of no-where, Audio Adrenaline’s song, “Hands and Feet,” comes to memory. Forgetting the books, momentarily, I pull my hands up—palms facing me—and stare at the feeble, curled fingers.

It wasn’t until the next evening that I contemplated more on the lyrics…why this song?

I still am not certain, but many thoughts came to mind—especially as Easter approaches. At the Last Supper, Jesus became like that of a servant and washed His disciples’ feet.

I see the hands and feet of Jesus each day by those around me, who sacrifice their time and energy to meet my needs…but I will never be able to serve again as they do.

Hands and Feet–I am still seeking mine in this new state of dependency…for when I sing the lyrics, “I will go where you send me,” I want to mean it with my whole heart. So I look to Jesus—whose hands performed miracles and feet walked on water—were nailed to the cross bearing the weight of the world and bringing salvation. And when my body can no longer go on its own, He will continue to carry me to the end.

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Speak to Me

In the older days of Sesame Street, there is a song scene in the library. We find Oscar the Grouch sitting in his trash can and inquiring the where-bouts of the Trash section…as if crumpled old newspapers and torn magazines were a highlighted and popular genre to read. Of course, the direction to his question does not come first thing—not without an attempt to tell what a library has otherwise.

Two muppets are there as well and start the song, bobbing up and down opposite to each other, but in step with the beat; they sing the chorus:

“There’s books for him and books for her and books for you and me.  books for him and books for her and books for you and me. You’ll find your books for everyone at your library.”

The main cast come in with costumes to go along with the adventures you can have when reading, and as Oscar becomes more unimpressed, the singers bust out this fancy, “FA LA LA LA LA LA,” finale. Hard as they tried, Oscar interrupts the jolly tune, and in classic grouchiness, again wants only the trash section. The two muppets shake their heads, like sad defeat, and sing to turn around…the direction of the trash selection. Oscar exclaims, “WOW! I’m in heaven.” And tells the others to be quiet—after all, they are in the library.

We were not at the library, but my favorite bookstore—Barnes and Nobles—and after a loop around the place, Mom was directing me to the cozy chairs up front. You can’t leave without browsing the bargain books, so as Mom set to do so, I sat and reflected on books and reading…it was then that the library song came to mind. I wanted to laugh, but just smiled casually instead; regardless, I needed the humor because reading has changed.

Reading, for me, encompasses more than books—it is my means of communication within the hearing world, I consider lip-reading like a second language and used to be fluent in both it and ASL, at one point…but have always read lips until now.

March 5th, I saw my neuro ophthalmologist. Because I opt out of the eye surgery, it was my last time unless an emergency problem would arise. Upon leaving, a few things were evident even since seeing him in January—I am blind in the right eye and the little sliver of peripheral vision only catches a tiny beam of light. My left eye could read the big E on the wall; when I read words…as to not fully strain  my lazy eye because it is  trying to focus around a clear-ish blind spot in the middle of my eye…I use huge white lettering on a dark background; my social media has dwindled.

But that is not as important compared to person to person commu nication..,especially with  my family. It takes time, lots of patience (mostly on their part), lots of finger spelling and basic signs or writing on a black dry erase board with neon  markers. It is different—often frustrating, but communicating (tweaked from normal) is still possible.

“I don’t think God has a problem communicating with me,” I told Calli as we talked using the type in Word and I read method. Indeed, talking to God has been my only constant. He speaks to me with verses and songs, with memories  of His Goodness.

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When I Close My Eyes

If you have never experienced or heard of “pain spasms” prior to this entry, then I will briefly explain. It is much like a Charlie Horse cramp that one can unexpectedly experience…

usually in the calf or thigh muscles of the legs. The sudden surge of pain and tense muscles start to diminish after a good stretch, although it may take some walking for the leg to feel fully normal again.

Pain spasms, on the other hand, are associated with the nerves. I am not sure if this is the official name for it, but doctors always know what I am talking about and the phrase speaks for itself. These spasms jolt through the nerve as spontaneous as a Charlie Horse cramp; but unlike a leg cramp, this pain cannot be lessened by mere stretches and it is not confined to just the legs either.

I first started experiencing pain spasms my sophomore year in high school. Because the brain, shoulders and neck tumors were affecting me most at the time, it was my arms that felt it first…specifically my elbows. Then the spasms appeared in my feet. Then it stopped—and when it restarted (in memory anyway), I was a fresh college graduate who had just returned from a once-in-a-lifetime tour of Greece. The spasms that had started in my face from the tumor on the 5th nerve stopped when I restarted chemo, and when I had to stop chemo after the blood clot, I started pain medication that helps stabilize this to some small extent. I really do fine, as these are sporadic and I cannot control when they hit—some are small, while others can literally jerk my body. All I know is that my pain spasms have restarted pretty intense over the past month or so…around the same time I started having a phenomenal “pain spasm” experience in my eyes.

Now that I just freaked you out, please read this as slow as I am finger-poke typing It: I am NOT experiencing pain in my eyes—thus far, I only have been getting more headaches from straining my left lazy eye and the different contrasts of light my eye adjusts to all day. I simply refer the phrase to what happens, due to the sudden surprise and spontaneity.

This only happens when I get in bed and close my eyes to sleep. In the blackness, out of no-where, flashes of the most illuminating white appears…pure white, and vanishes as quickly as it appears. Like a spasm. Solid white or brightness of sunshine bothers my eyes, but this…this is beautiful.

I am also going color blind. However, in these eye “spasms,” I also see wriggles of florescent colors: green, blue, yellow and orange. It is such an experience—my descriptions do not do justice. My painting does not either. And I suppose that is why I look forward to these—because it reminds me that one day, my eyes will not see spasms of light in darkness. They will be forever in the Light.

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“Show Me Your Glory” by THIRD DAY

I caught a glimpse of Your splendor

In the corner of my eye

The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen
And it was like a flash of lightning
Reflected off the sky
And I know I’ll never be the same
Show me Your glory
Send down Your presence
I want to see Your face
Show me Your glory
Majesty shines about You
I can’t go on without You, Lord
When I climb down the mountain
And get back to my life
I won’t settle for ordinary things
I’m gonna follow You forever
And for all of my days
I won’t rest ’til I see You again
Show me Your glory
Show me Your glory
I can’t live without You

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