When I Close My Eyes

If you have never experienced or heard of “pain spasms” prior to this entry, then I will briefly explain. It is much like a Charlie Horse cramp that one can unexpectedly experience…

usually in the calf or thigh muscles of the legs. The sudden surge of pain and tense muscles start to diminish after a good stretch, although it may take some walking for the leg to feel fully normal again.

Pain spasms, on the other hand, are associated with the nerves. I am not sure if this is the official name for it, but doctors always know what I am talking about and the phrase speaks for itself. These spasms jolt through the nerve as spontaneous as a Charlie Horse cramp; but unlike a leg cramp, this pain cannot be lessened by mere stretches and it is not confined to just the legs either.

I first started experiencing pain spasms my sophomore year in high school. Because the brain, shoulders and neck tumors were affecting me most at the time, it was my arms that felt it first…specifically my elbows. Then the spasms appeared in my feet. Then it stopped—and when it restarted (in memory anyway), I was a fresh college graduate who had just returned from a once-in-a-lifetime tour of Greece. The spasms that had started in my face from the tumor on the 5th nerve stopped when I restarted chemo, and when I had to stop chemo after the blood clot, I started pain medication that helps stabilize this to some small extent. I really do fine, as these are sporadic and I cannot control when they hit—some are small, while others can literally jerk my body. All I know is that my pain spasms have restarted pretty intense over the past month or so…around the same time I started having a phenomenal “pain spasm” experience in my eyes.

Now that I just freaked you out, please read this as slow as I am finger-poke typing It: I am NOT experiencing pain in my eyes—thus far, I only have been getting more headaches from straining my left lazy eye and the different contrasts of light my eye adjusts to all day. I simply refer the phrase to what happens, due to the sudden surprise and spontaneity.

This only happens when I get in bed and close my eyes to sleep. In the blackness, out of no-where, flashes of the most illuminating white appears…pure white, and vanishes as quickly as it appears. Like a spasm. Solid white or brightness of sunshine bothers my eyes, but this…this is beautiful.

I am also going color blind. However, in these eye “spasms,” I also see wriggles of florescent colors: green, blue, yellow and orange. It is such an experience—my descriptions do not do justice. My painting does not either. And I suppose that is why I look forward to these—because it reminds me that one day, my eyes will not see spasms of light in darkness. They will be forever in the Light.


“Show Me Your Glory” by THIRD DAY

I caught a glimpse of Your splendor

In the corner of my eye

The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen
And it was like a flash of lightning
Reflected off the sky
And I know I’ll never be the same
Show me Your glory
Send down Your presence
I want to see Your face
Show me Your glory
Majesty shines about You
I can’t go on without You, Lord
When I climb down the mountain
And get back to my life
I won’t settle for ordinary things
I’m gonna follow You forever
And for all of my days
I won’t rest ’til I see You again
Show me Your glory
Show me Your glory
I can’t live without You


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9 responses to “When I Close My Eyes

  1. A. B.

    This is such a beautiful post. Such a mix of pain and glory. You inspire and challenge me Mel.

    • Kim Jenerette

      Your constant encouragement, in the midst of pain (of all levels), is amazing …. you bring such honor to Christ … I cannot help but think of Job as I think of you ….

      We love you!

      Uncle Kim and Aunt Lisa …

  2. Allison Nickerson

    So beautiful. May the beauty and warmth of His Light continue to surround you and replace the pain. Thank you for sharing these beautiful experiences, glimpses from the Lord and but a taste of what is to come in His glorious light. It is a privilege to read your thoughts. Thank you for sharing what God is doing in and through you. You are such an encouragement. “…Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13b-14

  3. Debby

    I love your joy!

  4. Thank you so much for sharing Melinda. When you wrote about the illuminating white I thought of Jesus immediately! What a glorious way to speak to you with all the other colors intermingled with the blinding white. God is blessing you Melinda for your faith and belief in Him. I know it is blessing the Lord that you continue to share with those following you. You are loved.

  5. Dwayne and JoAnn Frank

    Melinda, only you can fully grasp this whole situation but you let us acquire a little insight into what you experience so often.

    So our response regarding you is often one of helplessness, sadness, almost anger, even a little pity as we read your comments, BUT through it all your deep commitment to our blessed Lord shines in a way that shames us but also causes us to pray for you and for our shallow view and relation to God.

    We think of the song that says: “Must I be carried to the skies on flowery beds of ease, while others fought to win the prize and sail through bloody seas”. Your fight is not of physical abuse like the Christians in the Middle East are experiencing, or from neglect by family and friends, but it is truly a fight to stay focused and close to the Lord through this. It truly is a fight. For this reason we lift you up and thank you for sharing as you do so we can be faithful friends who care and uphold you before our Saviour.

  6. Karen Tucker

    Thank you again, Melinda, for sharing from your heart. You are honoring God through these tough times; may you continue to find Him your very best Friend!

  7. Mindy Hughes

    I am always encouraged by your vivid words and your faith as you persevere from day to day! You are in our prayers!

  8. Catherine Aviles

    Beautifully written and your painting is beautiful too! Praying for you!

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