Where Do I Begin?

One can say, my life last Monday was “normal” as far as typical routine goes. In my mind, I knew there were changes happening. What I didn’t know was that at my doctor appointment my world would be turned totally upside down. This appointment was just supposed to be a typical check up. I assumed this appointment would be short and I would be home by evening. Home in time to get a goodnight sleep to start my typical routines the next day. I have problems standing and I hit my right leg that was already healing for some time from another injury. For my safety, I was admitted to the hospital for the night (which is what I thought). The next morning, a doctor came in and my first question was, “What were they looking at for healing” so I know when I can go home. He said they were still working on a plan or thinking it over as a team. Later that afternoon, the social worker came in. She communicated by writing on a dry-erase board that I can hold close to my diminishing eye. I was shocked to learn that for my safety and because of my health changes I would not be going home. Instead, I would be transferred to a nursing home. Suddenly, my world came crashing down and the thoughts of not going home were overwhelming. In a moment’s time, I had about a billion fears, tears and questions all at the same time.

That night I really did not sleep much. I started to think of more questions and details of how these changes would work. It did not help that after Mom and Dad left I tried looking at my prayer journal and praying about different things. I started crying again. I finally shut the book and called the nurse to help me get ready for bed. Over the next few days, there were a lot of discussions about the details. A lot of my questions at the beginning did not have answers, as this was all new for my family as well. I guess the hardest part in all of this is that I will be moving into a place that I considered is only for old people. As we started talking about other things, my fears about the nursing home started to ease. I found out the nursing home is close to my parents’ home and it was recommended to them as a good place.

The thing is . . . now that I am forced to sit in a wheelchair or a bed for my safety, I get to spend a lot of time thinking. The other night I could see how I was almost prepared for this, but did not realize until now. I had recorded three blog posts earlier that I was waiting for someone to type. They would not make sense now, but in some way what I had recorded and experienced, I can see now that God was helping to prepare me for this sudden change. I think my problem right now is that I am still too independent. I am not at peace with letting go of my sight or my walking. I told my mom about three weeks ago that I was on a different path and I do not understand why. I told my mom too that I am tired of being brave, but I am going to try. These changes are NO FUN, but sometimes when I think I have gone through just about everything, something else happens.

Yesterday, I was given a gift of a painting canvas and finger paint. We went to the activity room and had a lot fun. I forgot about everything. I did some painting and got my hands dirty. It was mom’s idea to use my hands to paint my flowers. When I was all finished, I needed a title for my painting. I could not think of anything at the moment. Later that night, after my parents left, I got a shower. I decided to go ahead and get a goodnight’s sleep. I really wanted to have a title for the painting. Because mom and I potted some flowers a week ago, I wanted to title the painting “Working In the Garden”. Different songs started coming to my mind. One song was a Steven Curtis Chapman’s song, “Fingerprints of God”. In the second verse he writes about how there has never been or never will be another me! This song tells how God’s perfect plan from the first beat of my heart is uniquely me; “a living, breathing, priceless work of art”. Sometimes when changes big or small begin, I forget this. I know that God goes before me and has answered some of my prayers, though not as I was wanting them to be answered. The biggest lesson I am learning now is ‘trust’ as I am in full dependency on everyone for everything. The nurse even wrote on the dry-erase board “You are safe” and I have to trust them. But even more, what I need is to let go of my dreams and myself and trust God’s faithfulness; knowing God has bigger dreams and no matter what, I am safe in His arms.

Fingerprints Of God

Lyrics by Seven Curtis Chapman
I can see the tears filling your eyes
And I know where they’re coming from
They’re coming from a heart that’s broken in two
By what you don’t see
The person in the mirror
Doesn’t look like the magazine
Oh but when I look at you it’s clear to me that

I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know it’s true
You’re a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you’re covered with the fingerprints of God

Never has there been and never again
Will there be another you
Fashioned by God’s hand
And perfectly planned
To be just who you are
And what he’s been creating
Since the first beat of your heart
Is a living breathing priceless work of art and

Just look at you
You’re a wonder in the making
Oh and God’s not through no
In fact he’s just getting started and

I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know it’s true
You’re a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you’re covered with the fingerprints of God