October 1, 2013 · 8:06 pm

Appreciate the Hands Day

There seems to be a “day” for everything. My favorite part of the lounge at work was the huge calendar posted on the wall with different events for the week or special days, such as “National Marshmallow Day”; “Chips and Salsa Day”; “National Crossword Puzzle Day”; “National Peanut Day”…I mean literally–the list is endless! The only one that I have never been a fan of is “National Talk like a Pirate Day.” Our brother dorm during my freshman year of college literally took the day into full effect, some with costumes even. It was fun but after a few “Argggg Matey !” I had heard enough. But they did it ALL day–gruffy accented pirate talk–I just found it annoying. 🙂

There are days of fun, days of remembrance, days of randomness, days of awareness. Even this past Sunday was National Coffee Day, in which I took the liberty of enjoying a second mug of our freshly brewed Seattle’s Best. This post has been long time in the making…in other words, I have wanted to do this post for a long time but I believe that the timing was delayed….because God was bringing me to this point where I would learn from this post experience…where my physical body would be at a place to where I fully understand the significance of being thankful. It is the season of the soul.

Therefore, I now take a new liberty and declare today as my own, “Appreciate the Hands Day.” (In part celebration of the last OT session this morning, in which we finalized my list of things needed to order on my own and also received a few new helpful tools for my finger function).

Take these hands and lift them up
For I have not the strength to praise You near enough
See I have nothing, I have nothing without You

Bebo Norman. “Nothing Without You.” Try. 

Around my birthday, my grandpa sent me a card with a beautiful picture on the front. It was one of those reprint cards where it was an artist’s painting…in this case a watercolor. Curious of the painter–figuring it was someone famous like Monet–I flipped it over and the first thing I notice is how sloppy the artist’s signature looked. My mind is not fast to pick up on these things, but it took me a few minutes to make the connection (and also reading the description of the author) that this particular watercolor was not an ordinary watercolor. It was designed by this artist who painted it with his mouth as his hands were idle. My mouth just dropped. I would have never known if it had not been for the signature and description on the back. Come to think of it, up until that point, I don’t think I had ever known about that type of art work…only one exception would be Joni Eareckson Tada.

I googled a bit and found the Mouth and Foot Painting Artists website and soon found myself reading through the list of artist bios and pictures. Just astounding talent and artwork! http://www.mfpausa.com

The thing is at that point in time, my hands–although starting to weaken and numb–were very able to function “normal” (to borrow the term.) The thought came to mind that I should try a painting by using my mouth only, but never put the full effort into the idea as I was painting other canvases, especially for the show. Now that my hands have come to a point in major lack of motor skills and function, the mouth painting idea came back to mind. To fully appreciate  my hands, I wanted to “have none” for a painting. It was an eye-opening experience. (Although I did ‘cheat’ a tad, because I was home alone and had to set up, choose and squirt my paint using my hands, but the painting itself was all by mouth. Even my ‘Mel’ signature. It really gets to your neck after a while!)

I still say “good grief” in frustration tones at certain times during the day when my hands just become frustratable (yeah, I just made up a new word! 🙂 ) But in this season of learning to give thanks for everything–joys or trials–I am now seeing that my feeble hands are still strong enough to help me, so I can’t give up on them just quite yet.

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I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Psalm 16:8

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September 28, 2013 · 10:15 pm

The End of September

I love this time of year. Over time, trees start turning their shades of orange, reds and yellows; the flavors pumpkin and apple spice fill the menus; the harvest of corn and soy beans continues to dry out, looking more like thick winter wheat; and farmer’s markets are filled with a variety of fresh squash, apples, different colored mums, cider, delicious goodies and canned products. It is only the end of September, but it feels like Thanksgiving Day could be tomorrow.

And why couldn’t it be? Thanksgiving Day shouldn’t be just one day for football, family and fancy feasts. Pure thanksgiving should flow through everything…like a next breath.

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. ~1 Thessalonians 5:18

These past few weeks, I have been trying to live in a full life of gratitude–replacing the focus off feeling guilty of being a burden to how I can bless those who bless me. I also have been trying to find thankfulness in my physical body. Let me tell you something, there are epic fail moments: Like this morning, frustrated at my hands I blurt out, “Ugh! Stupid hands!” Not a very thankful tone. And yet there are moments when I have an “awakening” thought…such as, “I can’t drive at the moment, but I am told by my MRI scans that I should not even be walking.” Perspective.

Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire. ~Hebrews 12:28-29

I write on my posts about blessings; I talk about gratitude. And I am thankful…but I have been convicted in my heart about being prayerfully thankful–praying in thankfulness for needs met; the needs not met; the needs that God wants me to be fulfilling; the needs of family, friends and strangers; the need to show God’s love, mercy and grace; my need of a Savior.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ~Philippians 4:6

Prayer, thanksgiving, humbleness, pure of heart, compassion, confession, serving…like the Autumn, it brings in a bountiful harvest of new beginnings. As the season begins, I hope it continues until the last leaf has fallen and the first of Winter appears. “This fall, celebrate the goodness of God, and may the Lord give you gladness of heart.” ~Dr. David Jeremiah

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Favorite farmer’s market in Toledo.

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September 27, 2013 · 11:59 pm

6 a.m. to 6 p.m.

Yesterday I was up before the sun. Actually, my parents were too as the sun did not come out until we had already started down the road towards Cincinnati. It was a lovely morning though. A few times on 42 South, while sipping my coffee, I thought, “This is like a picture off a postcard.” Then we hit the interstate; at least traffic was flowing well and we made it to Children’s Hospital right on time for my day of appointments.

Yesterday marked three months of being on the chemo treatment, Sirolimus. This chemo requires me to have a follow-up appointment every month with my doctor, where I present them with my log of times I take the medicine every day and other recorded health issues I keep track of during the month. I am still doing well on the drug considering all that has happened over this past month. My main doctor asked me my thoughts on it again–if I thought it was benefiting me and if I wanted to continue. Last month’s check-up was easier to confirm better answers as I had MRI scans to help me clarify that tumors were looking stable and it was a benefit to continue on because of that fact (and also two months was not enough time in my mind for a fair trial of the treatment.)

But yesterday I just honestly said, “I don’t know.” There has been more changes over this past month that have been more consistent: the pressure in my lower spine, the increasing weakness/numbness in my hands, more hearing loss in the right ear, worsening lack of bowel movements. Plus the steroids are making my stomach feel heavy and my balance is worsening. By the time I saw my main doctor around 2:30pm (after the whole team throughout the day otherwise), my brain could no longer function in hard questions. All I could think of was how I am not certain what this next MRI in November will show; it is hard not to wonder. I did decide, however, to continue on the chemo as planned until the MRI on November 5th. I will see my doctor soon after and we will go from that point whether or not to continue the Sirolimus.

Yesterday also included seeing the whole “team” of doctors. I do this every six months. I see my main doctor and his small team that I communicate with via email every week for labs and questions; I see four other specialists for different areas plus my social worker. It gets repetitious to have to talk about my problems to every doctor, but they ask different questions and then take what answers I give them, plus their own observations, and discuss together different concerns and possibilities. I cannot tell you what a privilege it is to be a patient with a team such as this! They truly have my best interests at heart and I know this is true for all their patients…just very humbling at how much they circumference and still take time for each individual. 🙂

Usually these “team” doctor visit days start around 8am or so and we usually get out by 3pm (on good days). But because I have had high blood pressure, a bit of last-minute things were added to my schedule before I could leave. And so by 3pm, I was on my way to the radiology department for my ultrasound/x-ray…and in my fatigue and hurried walk, my right foot hits the floor hard, resulting in tripping and flying to the floor. I was fine, but because I had fallen two days earlier, I reopened a wound on my left knee…which gave me a nice mess this morning as I have still been bleeding (thank you blood thinner pills.) Good news is that I think we got that mishap under control, but it added more time to get out of the hospital yesterday. (A big thank you to my interpreter as she was with me the entire day as well.) We finally found ourselves leaving Cincinnati around 6pm. It did not take me long to fall asleep in the backseat.

Although yesterday was a majority of just talking…as the biggest problem of numbness in my hands and feet they can’t do anything for in relation to medicine and I will never regain that lost sensation…I feel that it was a good day (long), but good. Over the next month, I can pretty much guarantee more changes–whether physical or even to the routine agendas like when to get lab work completed. I can only take it but one day at a time, one step at a time.

P.S. I read this verse earlier in the week; reading it from a different translation made a certain phrase stand out. I emphasized it in bold.

I have been crucified with the Anointed One—I am no longer alive—but the Anointed is living in me; and whatever life I have left in this failing body I live by the faithfulness of God’s Son, the One who loves me and gave His body on the cross for me.

Galatians 2:20, The Voice

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September 24, 2013 · 11:57 pm

Salad bar and pizza toppings

This month, my big canvas paintings have been hanging in a pizza place, called HaHa Pizza, in Yellow Springs. I have only eaten there a few times, but I have never been disappointed. They offer pizzas of all sorts; you can get your pizza on homemade wheat crust (my favorite) and load up just about any toppings for your slices (I haven’t tried eggplant on mine yet…maybe next time I will be brave.) If you feel like you forgot something, you can just head over to the salad bar and choose from all the fresh and local toppings offered there. I think most people around here agree–the salad bar gets five stars!

Yep, HaHa Pizza adds a few more reasons to my list of why small towns offer greatness: Friendly workers, local art, laid back atmosphere, mustard yellow walls (ok, that sounds weird but it adds character and it is one of my favorite colors). 🙂 At any rate, it has been my first time displaying my art in Yellow Springs, other than the art shows. I am thankful for the opportunity I have had this month at HaHa Pizza. I hope to get the chance to work with them again in the future.

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– – –

My Home Care OT reminds me of salad bars and pizza toppings. Life otherwise would be plain cheese or standard greens. I did not want to start OT at first. For my first session, I presented a lengthy list of things I can’t do and things that are almost to that point. My OT set out to work and today we went back over the list…we had solved almost all of the problems by getting the correct accommodations to give me a boost for continuing to live as independent as possible.

I still have a few items that need to be ordered: a new button loop as mine broke; a zipper pull and zipper key loops that would attach to my jackets I use often; more utensils with rubber grip handles; tylastic shoelaces; a fingernail clipper board (it positions and holds your fingernail clippers for you if you cannot); and removable handles for holding glass cups. These are things that I feel I would benefit from as my hands continue to weaken.

During my OT sessions, we talked about many alternative ways to do things. For example, there was a lamp in the living room that I could no longer turn on or off. My OT brought in this remote control switch that is actually for your Christmas tree lights and set it up on the lamp. Now, when I need to turn the light on or off, I just click a switch. Genius! You would assume we would have thought of that on our own. Sometimes a fresh perspective is what is needed.

She also helped me solve my problem of tearing open things (like bags of food), most zip lock bags, and turning book pages: rubber finger tips. 🙂 Next week is my last OT; she is bringing more of these but a larger size so that I can try to wear one on my thumb as well…this may help when I put in my right hearing aid. We also solved my holding a pen problem with new rubber grippers as my pen holder (yes, was lost but found) was giving me more frustration than assistance. My handwriting is still wobbly, but more legible. 🙂 And last, because it is my favorite…a handle for my Tervis, as I use it more often than mugs (morning coffee). The handle allows me to use all my fingers to grab hold, where mugs I can only use two fingers, and it gets interesting (plus a Tervis has a lid reducing spills!)

Funny part is, these things are always at the store…they are nothing special, unlike the specific ones I have to order. But if you are not aware of them or seeking them specifically, they can be overlooked…like so many delicious salad bar or pizza toppings. Home Care OT helped me become aware of this–that living with weakness is livable.

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

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September 22, 2013 · 12:30 pm

Happy Autumn

And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn

~Nicole Nordeman, “Every Season”

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September 19, 2013 · 11:59 pm

High Blood Pressure

I have never struggled with high blood pressure before. In fact, I don’t even understand how it reads. It is like a fraction, but every time is different…I don’t even know what a normal range is supposed to be. The arm gets squeezed: the pressure put on tighter, tighter, tighter…then in a few seconds, everything releases back to normal. The nurse says my number out loud. “Is that good?” It’s all I can ask, utterly clueless. Usually I get a nod of approval, but today I got a shocking remark from my Occupational Therapist, “Wow! Your numbers are high!” After a few more “just in case” squeezes, it was decided that I get rechecked after my test.

This was no ordinary test–it was a driver’s evaluation test. At my last doctors appointment on August 27th, there was concern by one team of doctors about the way I was walking. Due to the concern and just the wholeness of my body, they had me stop driving until I had this driver’s evaluation. I have had one before after my first DVT, but this time I agreed to the test rather than the last time where I felt forced. However, when I got home, my brain starts thinking. Like LeFou tells Gaston in Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, “A dangerous pastime…” to which Gaston replies, “I know.”

I get to thinking how unfair this predicament is…even though I understand the concern presented as there is a concern for other people’s safety in my driving…not just me, I deem it unfair and I let my thoughts turn angry. Yes, I admit it. I was angry. I felt singled out. And after today, I just don’t understand.

Last night I let part of the pressure go. My parents just listened as I cried, talking with my mouth full of food how about it all…the unfairness, the thoughts I still battle in self-esteem, and I even said, “My handwriting is like a five-year old.” (Of course I probably looked like one the way I was eating). I bring up Denver days: “They were my glory days.” Perhaps that has been part of this week’s inner battle–I am trying to relive my past when I felt free.

Maybe that is why I love driving. I am in control. Sweet sixteen and you are on top of the world as you feel ultimate freedom. How is it that driving can have this big of an effect on one’s life? Freedom: To be told otherwise is like being grounded. And that is how I left my driver’s evaluation, except I had done nothing wrong. In fact, I passed everything. There was just concern about the numbness in my hands, but I still do not see why it causes me to have to still not drive until I take an actual test in a car on October 7th.

But life is not about the fullness of understanding–it is about the fullness of faith. It is not about the comfort in freedom or the glory days of the past–it is about enduring in hardships and pressing on towards the goal. Life is not about control–but complete surrender. And I am only beginning to grasp what these mean in my own life..in what I deem unfair, what I cannot control.

And so I pray for sweet surrender, because only then will this body find peace.

When [Jesus] calmed people’s situations, it wasn’t simply an end to their painful circumstances; he didn’t just help them out of their problems. He made them whole again. These people who Jesus impacted experienced a fullness they had never begun to imagine possible. That’s what the peace of Jesus is about–filling up the taker and making them whole.

*Matthew Paul Turner. Beatitude: Relearning Jesus through truth,contradiction, and a folded dollar bill. Grand Rapids, MI: (Revell, 2006. pg. 34)

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September 16, 2013 · 12:13 am

Central focus.

This weekend was beautiful. As I stepped out on the back patio, I could feel it. It was the start of Fall weather. I know it is not official until next Sunday, but the change seemed to shout out in the morning light, brisk air, and the first of colored tips in the leaves:

“A new season has arrived.”

I sat in a coffee shop last night with a friend. As our conversation flowed, I mentioned that I have been struggling with self-control (more priorities) of how I use my time. From the time I get out of bed, my days are usually pretty routine. Then these last two weeks, I seem to have lost that routineness. I seem to be all over the map of “to-do” lists of little details or projects needing attention, the weekly home visits by OT/PT, calling family on my new Cap Tel as I try to recapture the time of lost conversations, squeezing relaxing time in to read, or responding to emails which can take a bit of time. The end of the day comes and after all the business of accomplished things, I feel like I haven’t even left the dock. My focus meanders…

It is hard to discern what I need to be doing as I feel I fight against time of my declining body.

“I just don’t really know what to write about,” I say to my friend. Not that I am out if words or post ideas, but each day seems to bring about more change that I don’t know where to start. In the same manner, I see a parallel to my time studying the Word and in prayer: Unsure of the direction I am to take, as some doors have opened and others have closed.

I wrote last week about leaving room for “God Room.” It cannot hold nervousness leading to worry and doubt, but I let mine sneak in through the crack beneath the door. It distracts my focus, my desire of complete surrender…and I need to refocus on the promises that God is with me in every season: especially the ones that bring about change.

As Fall approaches, I anticipate its beauty. Shouldn’t I anticipate the same beauty within my own season of change?

God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.

Ecclesiastes 3;11, NLT

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September 10, 2013 · 11:33 pm

Like Plain English

I have never been a Shakespeare fanatic. Mostly because I never understood the language of his plays. In high school, I read and watched a few plays (movies) in English class and did the homework discussion questions but always seemed to grasp the scenes differently than others in the class.

“So what is going on in this scene here?” Or, “What does this character mean when he says this?” I would sit and hope that I would not be chosen. I didn’t want anyone to think that I was not understanding.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have this problem all the time–only when discussing Shakespeare or poetry (like his Sonnets.) I love books, English class, creative writing and diagramming sentences. However, if I made a list of my favorite classic authors of all time, Shakespeare would not be in the top five. But I have discovered something that is helping me appreciate the works of Shakespeare. It is called, “plain English language.”

Barnes and Nobles could just very well be what I consider a great hangout place. It is almost like a huge library where you have freedom to chat and walk around with your coffee. I often go in to the local store just to look around at the bargain books, read a few children books and see what is newly released. In this meandering a few months ago, I headed towards the playwright section. Mom and I had watched James Stewart’s old film, Harvey, and I knew it was based on the play of the same name by Mary Chase. I wanted to see if there was a copy of the original play. There wasn’t, but I found the play Our Town, by Thorton Wilder, and skimmed through the text remembering seeing the play in the Creede Repertory Theatre and crying during the final scene. Excellent play.

What fascinated me the most in this section was the amount of Shakespeare plays available. I think all (even his Sonnets) were on the shelf. I didn’t bother to skim through them, but picked up this instead:

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It is genius! This morning I sat at Beans-n-Cream sipping my Pumpkin & Spice coffee and found that I was not only enjoying the play, but understanding the play. Shakespeare is on the left page–plain English translation is on the right page. Maybe this is considered a “cheat sheet,” but in my opinion…if it allows me to understand the text of someone who is considered to be one of the greatest writers in the English language, then it is worth the modern translation.

My everyday conversations can parallel much to that of a Shakespeare play. As much as I do my best to lip read, words and phrases constantly get mixed up; I miss context or transition clues to next conversation; and I sometimes just say, “I have idea what you’re talking about.” Lately, if it really important– after attempting fingerspelling, but obvious that I still am missing one or two words–my parents will write it down. Like plain English and I understand.

When it comes to translation in communication, I think I use a lot of different methods: sign language interpreters, text messages, closed captions on television or movies, and a Captel service when talking on the telephone. After my hearing dropped and I returned the Phonak Cros, I decided a better investment would be a Cap Tel landline phone. Up until this point, I have been using an internet caption service through Sprint. It was free and accessibly convenient in college. But it is getting more inconvenient: To make a phone call, I would have to start my computer, get on the site, log in, put my number in and then the person’s number who is receiving the call, press enter, wait for Sprint Cap Tel to call me, press send and finally be set up for the conversation.

It is not like a TTY or landline phone where captions are fast, accurate and promising not to cut out of a conversation. (Believe me, many times during chats with credit card companies gets frustrating as you never get the same representative.) I will say that I found humor though…because the captions are based on voice recognition, there were many laughable “read between the line” moments. I can relate–happens to me in real life daily.

But these woes are no longer my concern. I am now the owner of a Cap Tel captioned phone!!!

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It works fantastic and I finally understand the whole phone conversation! It provides accuracy and convenience (especially safety for emergency phone calls). On the bottom of the screen there are little boxes…the left is mine and the right is the person I am calling. When talking, the box flashes, so I know when to listen and when they are done speaking. My box flashes too, and st often in red, which means I am talking too loud. Ironic, since most of the time people say I talk too quiet. This phone allows me to receive calls, make my own appointments, and best of all-talk to my grandparents (as well as other family and friends.) Out of all the new accommodations made recently and still to come–this is placed in the top five favorites, perhaps even as number one.

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. ~Stephen R. Covey

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September 8, 2013 · 11:48 pm

Leaving room for “God Room”

In the Gospel of Mark, chapter 2, Jesus is continuing his ministry of teaching the people and performing miracles. At Capernaum, Jesus was at a house where the crowds of people came in at so much abundance that there was no room to get into the house, let alone by the door.

There were four friends who had a lame friend. Because they could not get through the main entrance, these four friends carried the lame friend to the roof, made a hole in the roof, and lowered their friend right to the feet of Jesus. Seeing their faith, Jesus healed this man both spiritually and physically:

Which is easier to say to the sick man, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up, take your bed, and start to walk?’ I am doing this so you may know the Son of Man has power on earth to forgive sins.” He said to the sick man who could not move his body, “I say to you, ‘Get up. Take your bed and go to your home.’” At once the sick man got up and took his bed and went away.

Mark 2:9-12a, NLT

Today, childhood friends from my hometown, sister and brother-in-law, and friends from college days walked the Children’s Tumor Foundation NF Walk in Denver, Colorado. Their walking as a team and raising support on my behalf for the foundation and its future research made me think of the four friends of the lame man. They walked with the same hope as any persons living with a disease: that someday there will be a cure. Right now there is no cure for my disease (that circumferences NF1 as well.) Sometimes these walks for diseases seem so helpless in the bigger picture of the dying world, but what matters is keeping the focus on a hopeful future found in Jesus Christ.

But it is easy for me to lose sight of hope when all I see everyday is my body aging away. I don’t even know what to pray for at times. I know God has given knowledge and wisdom to countless research teams and doctors across the world to help patients such as myself;  I am very thankful for my team of doctors and therapists and trust their guidance. But even they can only do so much. It is our human nature. It is where “God Room” comes into faith.

I just finished Franklin Graham’s autobiography, Rebel with a Cause: Finally Comfortable Being Graham. I know I am about fourteen years behind from when it was written, but I am glad I took the time to read it as it taught me a few lessons in life and faith.

In one of the chapters, Franklin accompanies his friend Bob Pierce–founder of Samaritan’s Purse–on a world tour to see first hand the work that Bob ministered through Samaritan’s Purse to the hurting, sick and needy around the world by helping assist missionaries already in the areas. During the trip, Bob tells Franklin of leaving room for “God Room.”

‘God Room’ is when you see a need and it’s bigger than your human abilities to meet it. But you accept the challenge. You trust God to bring in the finances and the materials to meet that need.

I thought about this in my own life. With starting Physical and Occupational therapy a lot of my mindset has been, “These are things I can no longer do easily on my own or at all on my own.” It gets frustrating. So last night, I prayed for “God Room.” I didn’t go through my whole list of things wrong in my body. I figured God already knows that…but what I focused on was trust–trusting that God would (will continue) to meet my needs–both physically and spiritually. My physical condition is out of the ability of myself and doctors…but not out of God’s ability. With Him all is possible…and that means the “God Room” is pretty big!

*Graham, Franklin. Rebel with a Cause: Finally Comfortable Being Graham. Nashville: (Thomas Nelson, Inc., 1999.) Page 139.

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September 4, 2013 · 9:17 pm

This Isn’t Me

I should not listen to the mirror. It taunts me. But the truth is, it is not just the mirror. It is my entire physical body. It screams, “This is not Mel.” And I believe it. I just don’t see the Mel that I used to be. I am not the Mel that I want to see. She is gone.

Ironically, I struggled with self-image long before I was diagnosed with NF2. Over the years I have had my ups and downs…before the diagnosis, it was the desire to impress and be popular. Now it concerns physical changes or side effects from medicines. Lately, it is the latter of the two.

It is no secret that I have been on steroids since December 2012. It was not until March that I noticed a change beginning. It started in my neck: now, I am a fan of football, but the thought crossed my mind, “You have a football neck.” (If you don’t know what I mean, take a look at a defensive tackle roster and then you will understand.) I covered for myself and laughed that I was getting muscle from my neck exercises. Then it started in my face. I covered for myself and laughed, “My chubby chipmunk cheeks.” Then it came to my stomach. I covered for myself and bought new wardrobe needs.

But I am tired of covering for myself, tired of being a different Mel: I am tired of seeing my parents sacrifice their time and energy for me when I want to be able to do it on my own. I am tired of having the constant cravings to eat, matched with sick intestines. I am tired of the endless needs, weekly appointments, and crazy sleeping patterns. I think it comes down this: I am tired of trying to be the Mel that I wish to see. She is gone.

But I am still here. And I hope in time that I will again see Mel. Not by my eyes, but in the eyes of my Savior.

Aslan: “You doubt your value. Don’t run from who you are.”

C.S. Lewis, Prince Caspian: The Return to Narnia

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