seasons | My Life with NF2

This weekend was beautiful. As I stepped out on the back patio, I could feel it. It was the start of Fall weather. I know it is not official until next Sunday, but the change seemed to shout out in the morning light, brisk air, and the first of colored tips in the leaves:

“A new season has arrived.”

I sat in a coffee shop last night with a friend. As our conversation flowed, I mentioned that I have been struggling with self-control (more priorities) of how I use my time. From the time I get out of bed, my days are usually pretty routine. Then these last two weeks, I seem to have lost that routineness. I seem to be all over the map of “to-do” lists of little details or projects needing attention, the weekly home visits by OT/PT, calling family on my new Cap Tel as I try to recapture the time of lost conversations, squeezing relaxing time in to read, or responding to emails which can take a bit of time. The end of the day comes and after all the business of accomplished things, I feel like I haven’t even left the dock. My focus meanders…

It is hard to discern what I need to be doing as I feel I fight against time of my declining body.

“I just don’t really know what to write about,” I say to my friend. Not that I am out if words or post ideas, but each day seems to bring about more change that I don’t know where to start. In the same manner, I see a parallel to my time studying the Word and in prayer: Unsure of the direction I am to take, as some doors have opened and others have closed.

I wrote last week about leaving room for “God Room.” It cannot hold nervousness leading to worry and doubt, but I let mine sneak in through the crack beneath the door. It distracts my focus, my desire of complete surrender…and I need to refocus on the promises that God is with me in every season: especially the ones that bring about change.

As Fall approaches, I anticipate its beauty. Shouldn’t I anticipate the same beauty within my own season of change?

God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.

Ecclesiastes 3;11, NLT

First Day of Spring!!

“Who is this cute kid”, you might be asking??? Well, don’t be disappointed, but it is ME!! 😀 Yep, this is me about 5 years of age. Notice my 😎 (red circle glasses). Try not to laugh, but I still have them in a case safely stored in my special box. 🙂 Now, a few things you should know about these red spectacles: they were my first glasses!! Pretty big deal! To keep these on my ears (my ears are tiny!!), the frames around my ears went almost a full circle. I got asked often if I had my ears pierced, because the little gold tip came just around the bottom of my ear for people to see. 🙂 I thought it was a great fashion accessory at the time!! (That or my Grandma’s clip on earrings.) Those cool frames started to break apart around the ears, so until I got my new frames (which were not so cute…they were MEGA frames!!), my Mom put band aides on them to hold them together. Yes, the band aides are still there today!! Imagine someone finding these glasses 50 years from now–they might be antiques…band aids and all!

Without my glasses, everything is blurry. Blurry reminds me of the future. Even Star Wars uses the future as a main part of the plot. In Episode III, Anakin is having visions about Padme, which he interprets that she is dying…so in order to save her, he gave into the Dark Side of the Force because of his fears. Yet it did not save her (in fact he killed her in his anger). Contrast, in Episode V, Luke has visions of his friends in Cloud City. He asked Yoda if they would die. Yoda says, “Hard to see. Always in motion is the future.” Classic line, but also true!

Just like when I take my eyes off Jesus, my vision gets blurry. Hebrews 12:1-2: “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” The future never turns out like I imagine–sometimes worse, sometimes better. I had a blurry moment yesterday. I was talking with my Mom and just realized that I am still not where God wants me to be. It is a constant learning process for me and right now I am in a dry spot. It is like green grass trying to grow underneath the dead grass. My plans I have been hoping for since the blood clot are turning out very different from I would have liked…not that it is a bad turnout, just my stubborn heart won’t accept the changes, which God could use for good. My Mom really encouraged me again to keep walking by faith.

There is a song by Nichole Nordeman, called “Every Season.” She sings about how she sees God in all the seasons of the earth. She starts with summer, then fall, winter, then ends in spring. Her lyrics of Spring always give me the goosebumps. Why? Because she twists her lyrics to relate the seasons to her heart. Our hearts have seasons of change. This spring especially, I see that my heart is in a season of change…coming out of winter and into spring.

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring

There are still going to be dry spots in my life. The blossoms are starting to appear, but growing slow. Best source of nutrition is the Word and in prayer, both of which God has convicted my heart that I need to do more of every day. Sort of like spring cleaning, but like my Mom told me yesterday–God is not going to just throw me out..he will see me to the end of every season. Lucky me, spring just started. 🙂

Tag Archives: seasons

Central focus.

Seeing Spring.

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