Tag Archives: C.S. Lewis

This Isn’t Me

I should not listen to the mirror. It taunts me. But the truth is, it is not just the mirror. It is my entire physical body. It screams, “This is not Mel.” And I believe it. I just don’t see the Mel that I used to be. I am not the Mel that I want to see. She is gone.

Ironically, I struggled with self-image long before I was diagnosed with NF2. Over the years I have had my ups and downs…before the diagnosis, it was the desire to impress and be popular. Now it concerns physical changes or side effects from medicines. Lately, it is the latter of the two.

It is no secret that I have been on steroids since December 2012. It was not until March that I noticed a change beginning. It started in my neck: now, I am a fan of football, but the thought crossed my mind, “You have a football neck.” (If you don’t know what I mean, take a look at a defensive tackle roster and then you will understand.) I covered for myself and laughed that I was getting muscle from my neck exercises. Then it started in my face. I covered for myself and laughed, “My chubby chipmunk cheeks.” Then it came to my stomach. I covered for myself and bought new wardrobe needs.

But I am tired of covering for myself, tired of being a different Mel: I am tired of seeing my parents sacrifice their time and energy for me when I want to be able to do it on my own. I am tired of having the constant cravings to eat, matched with sick intestines. I am tired of the endless needs, weekly appointments, and crazy sleeping patterns. I think it comes down this: I am tired of trying to be the Mel that I wish to see. She is gone.

But I am still here. And I hope in time that I will again see Mel. Not by my eyes, but in the eyes of my Savior.

Aslan: “You doubt your value. Don’t run from who you are.”

C.S. Lewis, Prince Caspian: The Return to Narnia


Filed under Adjusting to NF2

Waiting for Spring.

Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.*

I am sitting drinking a hot cup of plum tea, wearing a cozy sweater and my feet adorned with my slippers. The fireplace was just on and I think, “This is not spring-like weather.” Even today at lunch, snow frillies fell randomly from the sky and I said out loud, “Winter [has met] its death!!” Well, not quite. But slowly, it is changing.

This afternoon, I worked on sorting through my pictures from vacation. Some I have set out for cards and the rest I put in order and placed them in the photo album. The day we were at Grandfather Mountain, my mind thought of Narnia. It felt like winter…”Always winter but never Christmas.”* The hoarfrost on the trees, fog and gray skies just added to my imagination: This is what Narnia must have felt like.






Winter in Narnia did not end overnight either. And while I am not waiting for magic to weaken, I do just have to be patient–spring will come.

Thinking these hopeful thoughts–I have good news!

I am finally able to wear my left hearing aid!!!! 🙂 For the first time in over a month! It still is not all the way back to normal, but I hear a little. The tunnel feeling is still there when I speak, but I turned the aid up to the highest setting–then put it into the second setting where the background noise is eliminated, and that helps. However, I do not think this is the best option–so I need to get in to have my hearing aid adjusted.

Since some of the fluid is out from behind the ear drum, now my ear is taking small steps back to where it was (I hope)! I have some fluid in my right ear as well, but so far have not noticed a change in hearing too much. The only thing is that I have extensive loud ringing noises all the time in my ears, and so I almost didn’t test the left ear yesterday. I had just changed my battery in the right hearing aid on Tuesday, and figured it would be a waste of a battery. But, I was wrong. I was instead filled with joy even at the smallest sounds.

Another praise is that I no longer have to go to the doctor’s office for weekly INRatio tests. INRatio is a small finger poke test that determines my blood count, due to being on the Warfarin blood thinners. I received my own home machine and kit on Friday and went through the training session. Monday’s test was an epic fail. The plan was to compare my home results with the doctor office results–I went and sat in the waiting room frustrated that morning. But not today! Because my blood count was high Monday, I had another test today. My INR was a success (thank you Mom for your help!) and my number matched the number at the doctor’s office. Now I am on my own!

While we were on spring break, I had a faxed order from my doctor for an INR test (just in case I needed one!) If I did, we would have had to find a medical facility to have the test done–which means registration, paperwork, waiting rooms–you get the point. Not something you want to do while on vacation! Having my own machine now will also eliminate this type of activity. The machine is not very big. I think my make-up bag is bigger, HAHA! So this is just one example I have thought of that makes having a personal INR machine a huge blessing!

On most days, spring may still seems a long way off. March seems to have come “in like a lion” but can’t decide whether it wants to leave “like a lamb.”

‘He’ll be coming and going,’ he had said. ‘One day you’ll see him and another you won’t. He doesn’t like being tied down–and of course he has other countries to attend to. It’s quite all right. He’ll often drop in. Only you mustn’t press him. He’s wild, you know. Not like a tame lion.’*

In whatever way winter leaves or spring comes, I am learning to find hope, joy and blessings in both the cold and warmer days.

*C.S. Lewis The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe


Filed under Books and Movies, Family Times, Random, Uncategorized