Category Archives: Uncategorized

December 29, 2013 · 11:58 pm

I feel Blue

And I look blue too–at least before I scrubbed my hands, washed my paintbrushes and changed my sweatpants; I had blue paint all over them as well. I wasn’t trying to be messy, but it seems the darker the paint color, the more prone you are to dropping the paintbrush or accidentally rubbing against the table where the paint is wet from the outer-border edges or my favorite: opening a tube of paint and have a huge blob splatter on your hands (I don’t bother with fingernail polish much anymore). And a painter’s secret–Never open a tube of paint over your canvas. You’re just asking for trouble. 😉

Tonight I was finishing the bottom portion of a sky/sea painting for my uncle. I selected my shades of blue hues, a few greens, such as a sea-green and teal, and a silver shade for the finishing touches. I sat down to sort of think about what brushes to use and stroke styles. My mind wanders and I just ended with having a good cry. It was a bit of pity for myself (hence, “I feel blue,” as in the downward emotional state) mixed with a bit of anger, and denial. Yep, that is me at the moment. The year wasn’t supposed to end this way, but it did…and is.

I was doing just fine. I know my body has changed even since ending chemo in November. I know I need to sit down and be serious in thought about important decisions…about changes that could be in my future where I will need more help in daily living. I know I need to talk more with my parents and siblings about such things, but don’t know how..I don’t have the words or the thoughts. Can’t we all just ignore it? Since November’s end of chemo and all doctor appointments, I have been able to breathe–no pressure to think about health at all times or record it like I did during chemo. There were hard days certainly, but to not think about the next MRI or certain doctors I will have to see and the questions they will ask was rewarding. I still want to say that in my decisions that I have lived with no regrets.

Ending the year of 2013 could not be better: From a relaxing Christmas with the family to having relatives visit on their travels, I anticipate the New Year Day as my sister and brother-in-law visit from Colorado for a week! 🙂 But my excitement got short-lived as they sent me the papers for my next MRI and doctor appointment dates. The reminder that my days of living in denial are closing in has made me angry; last night I was so upset I wanted to throw up or scream. I just cried myself to sleep instead. It kept coming back to time: “You have one more month of freedom.”

In my head, I start to hear the questions I know I will be asked and I start to give my answers. And that is where I feel blue…because I know my body has changed; I live in it–I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know my balance continues to worsen and my hearing is in its final stages. What I tell my doctors, what my parents tell my doctors and my MRI scans are considered “me” and that makes me frustrated, because I want doctors to see past the little finger, arm and leg strength tests and see me. I want them to see me and how I try my hardest opening things before asking for help, putting my walker in my car, doing laundry or painting. I guess my fear is having decisions made for me, as in the past. And I grow discontent with my body. I just want to tell it to stop changing, but I can’t control those decisions either.

This mornings sermon was from I Timothy 6:6-11:

But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. (verses 6-8).

Contentment doesn’t pertain only to material possessions (although that was mostly what was discussed.) We also read from Matthew 6:25-34, in which we are reminded not to be anxious, because God knows exactly what we need and will provide. Normally when I read these passages, I stay on the material possessions path, but today, Pastor Joe also started discussing health; It caught my attention. He read a passage from the book of Job and made a point that we can also be content with our bodies, no matter the changes–God is in control. You would think after a sermon like this that I would have a different frame of mind, but it is going to take a lot of prayer to return to that place…where I am content, where I fully trust God with my health, where I live fully with no regrets.

When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing’s done
And the whole world seems against me
When I’m rolling in my bed, there’s a storm in my head
I’m afraid of sinking in despair.

CHORUS:

Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you’re bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory

There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

Downhere.”Calmer of the Storm.” 2001.

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December 12, 2013 · 8:56 pm

Mel’s Twelve Memories of Christmas

Today is December 12th. It is not a significant date for me personally, but it does remind me of the song, “The 12 Days of Christmas.” I am sure you all have heard this melody. One of my favorite versions of this song is actually an ice skating performance by Olympic medalist, Scott Hamilton. I was obviously too young to remember watching this on television, but Mom taped to VHS the 1990 Disney’s Christmas on Ice performance that year. We watched it probably every year growing up, as ice skating was a something our family enjoyed…not only watching during the Winter Olympics, but also trying our own talents on the frozen pond out in the field. Let’s just say, I never landed that “Double Triple Axel.” 😉

Pulling out the Christmas DVDs and VHS tapes last week, I found this recording. Exciting! Even better is that captions played too. I was shocked! In watching some of the performances, I got to travelling down memory lane and complied some of my favorite Christmas memories:

12. Caroling: Whether it was with the youth group (the van rides were memories in themselves), my family (we sang at the nursing home), or friends in Denver (we went around the neighborhood, to the fire station, and then sang at the town square by the lighted tree in Arvada)–singing carols and giving baskets of fruit was something I always looked forward to each year.

11. Family ski trips at Wolf Creek: It’s true–

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10. Handel’s Messiah: Last December, we attended a performance at the Westminster Presbyterian Church in Dayton. It was just the orchestra and the four soloists: a soprano, mezzo-soprano, tenor and baritone. Beautiful. If you’ve never listened to the entire oratorio, I recommend it.

9. Coming home for Christmas breaks in college and on Christmas Eve (post-grad): The song, “I’ll be Home for Christmas” took somewhat a literal meaning.

8. Calling the grandparents: It was really sad when my hearing no longer permitted me to talk to my grandparents at the same time as my family. (I had to call separate using the internet captel.) But that won’t be the case this year!!

7. I am not sure where the tradition started, but after the Christmas Eve service, we drove around town to see Christmas lights, then came home to watch Jim Henson’s Muppet Christmas Carol. When it finished, we sang Christmas carols by the lighted tree.

6. The gingerbread candle family: When I was about 7 or 8, Mom purchased a candle making kit and we made gingerbread candles for Christmas. (You would not believe how many years the gingerbread scent lasted!) Since there were four of us sisters, we each took a different mold structure and when they were set as candles, we painted them. Best part is that Mom still has the candles and sets them out each year.

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Guess which one is mine–

5. Christmastime by Michael W. Smith: It was the most anticipated album of the season!

4. Community performance of the Nutcracker held at Adams State College: It took place every other year and was always very well done! The youngest ballerinas in training made the cutest mice…how could the Mouse King be intimidating after being associated with them?

3. Decorating my room with Marcia: Sharing a room meant sharing the fun in decorating for the holiday. When we finished, we liked to fall asleep with the Christmas lights twinkling throughout the room.

2. Dad’s French toast: Christmas brunch! Bonus, we got “cutie”-sized oranges in our stockings.

1. “The Little Drummer Boy,” Whiteheart version: 1993. Pure rock, drums…best ever.

What are some of your favorite Christmas traditions or memories?

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December 8, 2013 · 6:13 pm

A Christmas without Disappointment

Needless to say, last night I was a bit disappointed. Although I was pretty excited to wear my new mustard yellow fuzzy-knitted winter hat! But I am not so certain it was worth the long haul of pushing my walker on slushed-iced sidewalks in 20 degree weather. I take that back…yes, it was worth it for the memory–Oh, the memory!! But since it was dark and slushy-ice, I could not go into town on my own. Let me just say one thing: I have the coolest parents!

I have been looking forward to this weekend for quite sometime. The first weekend of December and it has been filled with Christmas cheer. Friday night we attended a concert at the university. I planned my outfit of a fancy red shirt, my green polka dot sweater and fun red earrings that resemble gift bows. The concert? The one and only Denver and the Mile High Orchestra. They are just about the jazziest, craziest modern horn band that will make you laugh and worship all in one evening. Believe me, my polka dots fit right in with the college campus fun!

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I first saw Denver and his band perform on my Make-a-Wish cruise my senior year of high school. The radio station, K-Love, was hosting the cruise that took place the first part of January 2005. It would sail from Las Angeles to Catalina Island, and to Ensenada, Mexico before returning to the states. K-Love had been a great source of music, encouragement and fun during my radiation days in Denver (the city.) Mom and I could laugh along with radio hosts–John and Sheri Rivers-during early, cold, rush-hour drives to the hospital; Mom could sing and stay awake on drives home while I slept; and once we attended a movie they were promoting for Third Day’s Come Together album. Jokingly, I put my name in the box for a chance to win concert tickets–guess whose name got drawn? 😉

When the conversation about my qualifying for a Wish first came about, it shouldn’t be a surprise then that I would choose the cruise: a week full of concerts by my favorite bands! I see now that it was God timed, because after my freshman year of college, my hearing started to decline. By junior year, I was using interpreters for chapels and classes. Although I could still hear music, I usually played it loud and started keeping to “oldies,” basically no more K-Love as they played songs that I didn’t know.

Like I’ve said, this year at Christmas is different without music. On Friday, it is not that I didn’t know the songs (minus one or two), it is that I didn’t hear them. Nothing. I knew this, and went anyway: the performance and atmosphere was the reason I went. From what I remember on the cruise to what I saw Friday night: the band hasn’t changed much. 🙂

So why the big disappointment last night? Maybe I was expecting too much considering the weather and cold. Or maybe it was remembering how fun last year’s Parade of Lights had been and I just assumed the same for this year (without taking my current physical state into any consideration.) The best part about the town’s Parade of Lights is that all the little shops are open; between Beans-n-Cream and Stoney Creek Roasters, you are bound to get in a free hot drink outside their doors; and just about all of town’s residents and college students flood the streets. It’s like a movie moment.

And there we all were–ready for the parade. You can always tell when a parade begins as you see police car lights flashing. Since we were standing on the “end” part of the parade route, I saw the flashing lights approach very slowly, but they finally came. The police car was suburban style and it was pulling a trailer on which Santa and Mrs. Clause were seated on a sleigh, pulled by two model reindeer. I waved as they passed and didn’t think much to the fact that they were followed by a regular police car, with flashing lights. I still am not registering the fact that after that police car there was a huge line of regular cars.

Mom looks at me, “That’s it.”

“THAT’S IT?”

Haha, yes. Disappointment.

The truth is, the Christmas season can be disappointing-could be the weather, not finding “the perfect gift” for your friend, or even something as silly as a one-float parade through a whole town of people. Santa may have been the beginning and end to our town’s parade, but Jesus is the beginning and end of everything. The same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8)–in Him there is no disappointment.

I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end.

Revelation 22:13

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December 7, 2013 · 9:54 am

Jingle Bells [translated]

Dashing through the snow [Taking a brisk stroll]
In a one-horse open sleigh [Mel’s walker made the day]
O’er the fields we go [Down the street we roll]
Laughing all the way
Bells on bobtail ring [Pushing Basho was exciting]
Making spirits bright [Passing cars saw quite the sight ]
What fun it is to ride and sing [But in doing all these things]
A sleighing song tonight! [It gives me a blog post entry to write!]

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(chorus)
Jingle bells, jingle bells, [Come on, Mel! Come on, Mel!]
Jingle all the way. [Work off all you ate on turkey day!]
Oh! what fun it is to ride [Family greatness you cannot hide]
In a one-horse open sleigh. [Is something I would say]
Jingle bells, jingle bells, [Click, click–taking pictures on a cell]
Jingle all the way; [It can turn out to be a deceptive display]
Oh! what fun it is to ride [So notice any strange appearance in Melissa’s stride]
In a one-horse open sleigh. [Rest assured she is okay] 😉

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November 26, 2013 · 10:46 am

From the Inside Out

I was really tempted this morning to come in the kitchen singing a Christmas song or two…after all, I am cozy warm in my extra-large sweatshirt, featuring the Grinch putting the antler on his dog Max.

GrinchAndDoghttp://lh4.ggpht.com/

And we got a blanket of snow last night. Not much, but it covers the ground and the way I figure, it will linger as the temperatures show no sign of much warmth and the sun is nowhere to be found. Snow–just in time for the Thanksgiving holiday travels. It always seems to happen that way. Maybe it is coming from living in Colorado for most of my life, but I would rather have a grey day with snow over just a dull day (though I love rain too.) Snow brightens the grey….have you ever noticed this? It is like nature’s fluorescent lights to the darkness; It is beautiful.

I sit here at the kitchen table, coffee freshly brewed (no grinds today!) and gaze out the kitchen windows towards the trees at the end of the farmer’s property. The bald branches that normally go un-noticed after the leaves fall are now outlined with bold white streaks that reveal how far they stretch. Just a few minutes ago, there were birds bouncing around on the end of the patio–another sign to me that winter is nearing…time to get bird seed! I look forward to watching them take shelter in the butterfly bush outside my window.

I am not sure what these little birds were doing today, but in my mind I thought, “They should be safe,” as I see Muffy sitting in his patio chair on his warm green blanket with his paws tucked in tight under his winter-coated furry belly. I had just fed him anyway. No sooner as I think this, I see a dash of black race across the snow-coated patio; then three birds flutter off in the sky. Snow doesn’t give much camouflage coverage for Muffy’s black fur. I think he felt defeated; he turned around and retraced his tracks in the paw prints he had just made during his dash. In his pathetic cuteness, I couldn’t help but smile at the morning action. He is now back inside his little house, where no doubt it is warm on the inside.

As much as I love different aspects of the winter months, there are others that I am not so fond of–mostly the early darkness, ice and the way my hands quit functioning when they are blistering cold. I would rather view winter from the inside out–where it is light and warm. My morning readings this past week have been through parts of the Old Testament: King Saul, David and Solomon, the Chronicles of the kings and prophets that followed, and the exile/return of the Israelites to Jerusalem. You start to notice a reoccurrence of the major problem in these passages–the attitude, desire and focus of the heart.

From the outside, no one sees the heart physically. But you can see the heart from the inside out. When I think only on the darkness, ice and cold around me (metaphorically speaking), my actions most often reflect my heart: my attitude gets grumpy, my desires turn selfish, and my focus is not on the Lord. But God sends little reminders to remain in His Love; and today it is the snow–it has restarted to fall…not in mass amounts, but one snowflake at a time.

Love of my life, carry me to Your Light

Every breath that I breathe

All of me…

Snow falling light, tumbling down

Soft and white, it’s so clean

Such a sweet rhapsody

All of me

“All of Me.” Performed by B. B. Winans. My Utmost for His Highest. Word Music, 1996.

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November 22, 2013 · 11:59 pm

I’m still here.

This morning was dark, rainy and grey. And the coffee had coffee grinds at the bottom of the pot. I sat at the table just sort 0f staring out the window. Even two cups of coffee wasn’t helping much in getting me awake, not that it works that instant anyway. Mornings are my favorite time of day: my typical routine usually means getting breakfast, than enjoying coffee with my morning readings. But this morning my mind was just wandering. Then I thought of something funny in terms of my cups of coffee and lack of writing blog posts this week–in a name: Cryin’ Bryan Dern.

I can’t speak for my sisters, but if someone asked me what our favorite pastime was while growing up, I would place listening to Adventures in Odyssey as the number one candidate. In the summers, we could spend hours listening to episodes on cassette tape while coloring or doing crafts; Mom would eventually tell us “One more episode then you need to go outside.” During the school year, we would listen to the episodes at 6pm over the radio. It was always when Mom was cooking dinner; when she used the hand mixer (yes, the old-school kind) it would make the radio have bad static (it already did anyway.) Buzzz…”Mom!!!!!!!” Poor Mom–even if it was an episode we had heard before, the static confusion seemed like a traumatic event and would result in this unanimous outcry.

I had a few favorite episodes, but one that stands out in my mind..that I thought of this morning…is titled, “Top This!” In the episode, there are two story lines: Courtney’s cousin comes to Odyssey to visit for a few weeks. The two cousins, who have a history of competition against each other, embark on an unintentional “race” to see who can make the most money in fundraisers for church youth camp. Losing focus on the real reason for the fundraisers, Mr. Allen helps Courtney learn to not focus on her own winning, but being humble towards her cousin and supporting her when she “wins” just by letting her win.

The second story line involves the outspoken radio host, Cryin’ Bryan Dern. The Odyssey 105 is in need of votes in order to save the station. Bryan Dern sets up this gig in which he takes over the studio and turns the Odyssey 105 into a 24-hour Polka station. As soon as the public hears about Dern “taking the Odyssey 105 station hostage,” the votes begin to pour in–even though it is all fake. It is during this time, Dern has some of the best quotes. And I thought of a few this morning that made me laugh.

Over the course of his 95 hours on the air, Dern gives away countless amounts of Polka cd’s while he starts to get annoyed with the music himself. By the end, with his coffee enthusiasm long gone (in his 25th hour on the air, he already had gone with 30 cups of coffee), Dern goes on to have a moment of silence for a caller’s sick hamster named “Binky;” thinks that Polka music needs something–like, words; and eventually gives up the whole gig altogether when he can no longer think or see straight. I am not as crazy as Dern, but for some odd reason, his question over the air in his final hours– “Whaddaya wanna do?”–somewhat reflected how I felt this week about writing blog posts.

It is not that I’ve had nothing–my week was full of typical tasks that most often I overdid myself. It is as if this “normal routine,” without any doctor appointments or major health slides, has left me with a sense of urgency: to do it all, before anything comes up again. In reality, that attitude will only last me like Bryan Dern’s 95 hours on the air, because there is no foundation if I stand on my own.

“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” ~Proverbs 19:21 ESV

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November 15, 2013 · 9:28 pm

Praise in the Assembly

I recently stumbled across a current documentary on Hulu called, “Behind the Mask.” The series is about team mascots. It follows four guys who come from diverse levels of mascot experience and also their personal lifestyles:

Michael is in high school at Lebanon, PA. Outside academics, he is “Rooty the Cedar Tree.” He uses Rooty to support and bring school spirit for everyone…even the less attended sport events, such as the bowling team.

Jon…nicknamed Jersey–attends the University of Nevada at Las Vegas. He got a scholarship to be the school’s mascot, “Hey Reb.” UNLV is a huge deal in Nevada. Hey Reb’s role is to ensure that the college atmosphere at the games is kept alive.

Chad is the mascot for a minor hockey league team. In outfit, he goes by “Tux” (the Penguin.) Chad hopes to work his way into pro-hockey mascoting. Mascots are not allowed to speak (or not supposed to anyway); Chad found a way for Tux to make squeaky noises. When he visits children’s classrooms on his side job, Tux and his squeaks are sometimes appreciated more than they are at the hockey games…it’s cute. 🙂

Finally, there is Kevin. He is Bango, the official team mascot for the NBA Milwaukee Bucks. He does some of the craziest stunt and dunks during half time shows that I have ever seen! He sometimes includes his children for holding signs to get the crowd cheering–these little bucks in costume sure win the crowd. Every mascot has the chance for injury, but personally, I think Kevin has the most chances…but it never stops him from doing the next crazy idea.

Watching this series has been interesting, mostly because I don’t pay attention to cheerleaders or mascots when attending games; I find them more annoying or a distraction rather than a crowd spirit. Proof, it was only last week that I learned “Who Dey” was the mascot for the Cincinnati Bengals. I was tired of seeing this around (what I considered a slogan), and so I used Google to find out the meaning. Yeah, I felt pretty silly. 🙂

At the end of my high school years, a guy from my class started to be our school mascot. Up until that point, we didn’t use one. I mean, after all, we were the “Pirates”–miles from actual bodies of water mass, thus, living in the sea of potato and barley fields. I always got a laugh out of that aspect. Regardless, I am not sure if our mascot officially livened our school spirit at sport events, but think he did a great job helping the crowd get into the cheers when otherwise we just sat there (yes, guilty.)

In college, we were Cougars. Being a small university, the biggest events were women and men’s basketball games. I attended both, because I had a roommate on the women’s team; everyone attends the guy’s games. The only time I saw our mascot was at the basketball games, in which the biggest stunt performed was running half way across the court, and then sliding over the other half. It was a funny sight to see–I have pictures. I never played anything more than intramural football, but I loved the sport events. My freshman year, I had roommates who played for the women’s soccer team and my sophomore year, I had roommates who played for the volleyball team; my junior year, my direct roommate was on the ladies tennis team. I tried to attended as many of their games as well–even if I felt like I was cheering alone. I was like a “mascot” for our room every year–the only non-athletic one, but I could cheer and take pictures which I enjoyed!

In the mornings, I often read a few Psalms. I find them encouraging and a great reminder to start my day with praise even when I don’t have the energy or mind-set. They are not a “mascot;” God surely doesn’t need those, nor cheerleaders. But the psalmist often write that they will proclaim God’s name, steadfast love, and goodness in or to the assembly. They never wore a mask, but sometimes their meditation was all night long…in solitude and remembrance. At other times, they were not quiet about their love for the Lord. They didn’t just say it–they shouted it, made music and even in their times of mourning…they made known that God was their strength and salvation.

I find when I am around other individuals who live in this way–proclaiming God’s faithfulness, steadfast love and goodness both through the good and bad times–whether in speech or just living their lives in testimony of it, that it becomes a contagious attitude. It reminds me to keep my focus on doing the same.

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November 14, 2013 · 8:10 pm

My Father’s House

Last night I was finger-poking a few emails at the kitchen table. Mom was gone and Dad had gone out back to his workshop. I was not surprised to hear his footsteps come in a while later, but was caught off guard by his excited bounding around the kitchen entry way and motioning me to follow him with a big smile on his face. Doing my best to make haste in following him towards the garage door without falling, I still am clueless as to what is going on or what I should be expecting to see.

Dad motions to go down the garage stairs and then does so himself. As he nears the bottom, I start to make my first step and grab the railings out of instinct. “OH WOW!!!”, I blurt out as I look at Dad who is all smiles at the bottom of the stairs. I look back at the new railings (attached to the old ones which are just huge wooden, flat beams). The new smaller, circular handle railings were perfect! Fixing the railings on these stairs has been on the top of my OT list, as for starters…I am serious I have “stairophobia”: my own terminology for, “Mel is afraid of falling down the stairs.” I even freak out on curbs. Going up is not a problem…just down. So the garage stairs ending in concrete…I just loathed.

Back in high school or college, if you asked me where I saw myself in five or ten years, you would never have heard an answer such as, “I can see myself  being a disabled and unemployed single adult living with my parents.” I also don’t think I would have ever mentioned living in the Midwest, painting or writing a blog either. Everything I said (because I know I did have the dreams like being married and having a high status corporate job) or would have said–would definitely been the extreme opposite of what I live today. I still have dreams and hopes for the future–they are now just different…and it has been a long road of acceptance to finally realize that home is where I need to be.

After my first DVT, I moved back in with my parents: and I was NOT co0l with the situation. I tried everything to help my helpless case but to no avail. After a few months, I decided that if this was going to be “home” until I bounced back on my feet, then I had t0 make my room as “my room.” We got my bed in and Mom helped me arrange so I had a bookshelf. It felt more cozy and life went on…about the time I have a few good possible apartments to tour, my second DVT hits. It all went down from there. It wasn’t until June of this year that I talked with my Dad: “I guess I should stop apartment hunting, huh?” One look from him confirmed my answer and somehow that is when full acceptance of “living at home” settled in…and I had a peace about the situation.

The typhoon that recently struck the Philippines, leaving horrific conditions and deaths, has been on my mind and in my prayers for those it has affected…for those who lost everything that was considered “home.” My heart goes out to them and it has caused me to see, yet again, the many blessings that flow into my life each day. I have never experienced a typhoon or hurricane, flood, fire, earthquake, robbery or forced to leave my home. The most I deal with is the privacy boundary line between my parents and myself–but to scale of the others, it seems so small.

As I made my decision about no more chemo and putting the AFO braces on hold, I mentioned to my Mom that I just wanted to live with no extraness until that was no longer possible (i.e. when I really can’t drive on my own, need OT help in getting a shower or having to use a wheelchair.) As I continued to talk, I got some tears, but was not sad. They were reaffirming tears: My physical body is temporary, just like this home in which I live…it will one day be made new. I have accepted that just as I accepted the fact I know live with my parents. The future is unstable–ask me where I see myself in five or ten years and I think you would just get a blank stare. I don’t know my future plans, but I know where I am headed–where my real home is…and that gives me hope. Yet another reason to have a heart filled with thankfulness.

Don’t get lost in despair; believe in God, and keep on believing in Me. My Father’s home is designed to accommodate all of you. If there were not room for everyone, I would have told you that. I am going to make arrangements for your arrival. I will be there to greet you personally and welcome you home, where we will be together. You know where I am going and how to get there.

John 14:1-4 (The Voice)

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November 12, 2013 · 5:29 pm

White like Snow

Last night we got our first snowfall. Can’t say for sure, but the random little storm may have caused my weird nights sleep–or the fact I was just awake at 7:15 am, when yesterday I could hardly get out of bed by 11am. Strange. Regardless, waking up to white was a pleasant change. It was beautiful. I sat on the end of my bed and stared out the window. The sky was mesh with pinks, the green grass was covered in white and the butterfly bush held icicles. Actually, the individual stems with the remaining flowers and leaves resembled caterpillars, which made me smile. I love imagination. 🙂

As I ate breakfast, I thought about the color white. I decided it is like the color black…no different hues in definition, just the one. I guess that makes them unique. Like us–there is just one, no one has or will be like me or like you. We are unique–fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14a). And it makes life beautiful.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

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November 9, 2013 · 6:08 pm

I am commanded…

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Colossians 3:12-14 ESV

After sitting in the car, waiting rooms or doctor appointments (not to mention almost three hours in the MRI machine), my attempts to write a few emails Thursday evening were fatal as I was so cold, I just couldn’t function–namely my hands. I heated the scarf my aunt gave me (it is designed that way…therapeutic), got cozy, put on my slippers, made some tea and sat down to watch the movie– The Second Chance. It has been a long time since I have watched the movie; and I only thought of it, because my friend and I had brought it up during our coffee chat a few weeks ago.

The movie is set in America–typical big city where you have the “rich” side of town and then the other. In this case, the story is themed over the church–on the rich side, it is The Rock. However, their roots started at the sister church on the poor side of town. “The Second Chance” church serves the community in that part of town. The movie encircles faith in action…0n the common ground: getting out of your comfort zone; laying down pride; living by faith; serving, loving, forgiving.

I am not going to spoil the movie, but I will say that Pastor Jake’s ending less-than-five-minutes speech is one of the best sermons I have ever heard. It is profound and so truthful. In light of the movie’s events, he reminds his congregation that they are commanded to love their enemies, even in the face of injustice.

Jesus said to love our enemies and pray for them (Matthew 5:43-48). I don’t have enemies (not to my knowledge), but in terms, there are certain individuals both in my past and a few in the present in which I hold bitter thoughts towards. In loving my enemies, I am also commanded to forgive my enemies; and although I do not see them as “enemies,” the fact I am bitter towards them sort of implies enemy status. Those in my past, I have no contact with anymore; the forgiveness is now between me and the Lord.

The present bitterness is caused by the feeling of injustice; I feel robbed of time over the past few months mainly in the area of driving. The lack of trust and inconsistency of “concerns” resulting in a long period of waiting caused me to become angry. I felt angry for my family–the extra burden it placed on them during that time. And just when I can drive, my car goes in the shop for a week; why didn’t I just take it over (three minutes down the road) when I was not dependent on it? So I am angry at myself for being too nice–for trying too hard to not “do anything wrong.”

The question is then, “How long do I wish to remain angry? Bitter?” It will only keep me in the past, which is where I don’t want to be anyway. Forgiveness is hard; like prayer, it is easier to mouth than mean it sincerely in your heart. It may not be a drastic change overnight, but the choice is mine: will I love, pray and forgive my enemies–just as God in Christ did for me? (Ephesians 4:32)

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