I feel Blue

And I look blue too–at least before I scrubbed my hands, washed my paintbrushes and changed my sweatpants; I had blue paint all over them as well. I wasn’t trying to be messy, but it seems the darker the paint color, the more prone you are to dropping the paintbrush or accidentally rubbing against the table where the paint is wet from the outer-border edges or my favorite: opening a tube of paint and have a huge blob splatter on your hands (I don’t bother with fingernail polish much anymore). And a painter’s secret–Never open a tube of paint over your canvas. You’re just asking for trouble. 😉

Tonight I was finishing the bottom portion of a sky/sea painting for my uncle. I selected my shades of blue hues, a few greens, such as a sea-green and teal, and a silver shade for the finishing touches. I sat down to sort of think about what brushes to use and stroke styles. My mind wanders and I just ended with having a good cry. It was a bit of pity for myself (hence, “I feel blue,” as in the downward emotional state) mixed with a bit of anger, and denial. Yep, that is me at the moment. The year wasn’t supposed to end this way, but it did…and is.

I was doing just fine. I know my body has changed even since ending chemo in November. I know I need to sit down and be serious in thought about important decisions…about changes that could be in my future where I will need more help in daily living. I know I need to talk more with my parents and siblings about such things, but don’t know how..I don’t have the words or the thoughts. Can’t we all just ignore it? Since November’s end of chemo and all doctor appointments, I have been able to breathe–no pressure to think about health at all times or record it like I did during chemo. There were hard days certainly, but to not think about the next MRI or certain doctors I will have to see and the questions they will ask was rewarding. I still want to say that in my decisions that I have lived with no regrets.

Ending the year of 2013 could not be better: From a relaxing Christmas with the family to having relatives visit on their travels, I anticipate the New Year Day as my sister and brother-in-law visit from Colorado for a week! 🙂 But my excitement got short-lived as they sent me the papers for my next MRI and doctor appointment dates. The reminder that my days of living in denial are closing in has made me angry; last night I was so upset I wanted to throw up or scream. I just cried myself to sleep instead. It kept coming back to time: “You have one more month of freedom.”

In my head, I start to hear the questions I know I will be asked and I start to give my answers. And that is where I feel blue…because I know my body has changed; I live in it–I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know my balance continues to worsen and my hearing is in its final stages. What I tell my doctors, what my parents tell my doctors and my MRI scans are considered “me” and that makes me frustrated, because I want doctors to see past the little finger, arm and leg strength tests and see me. I want them to see me and how I try my hardest opening things before asking for help, putting my walker in my car, doing laundry or painting. I guess my fear is having decisions made for me, as in the past. And I grow discontent with my body. I just want to tell it to stop changing, but I can’t control those decisions either.

This mornings sermon was from I Timothy 6:6-11:

But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. (verses 6-8).

Contentment doesn’t pertain only to material possessions (although that was mostly what was discussed.) We also read from Matthew 6:25-34, in which we are reminded not to be anxious, because God knows exactly what we need and will provide. Normally when I read these passages, I stay on the material possessions path, but today, Pastor Joe also started discussing health; It caught my attention. He read a passage from the book of Job and made a point that we can also be content with our bodies, no matter the changes–God is in control. You would think after a sermon like this that I would have a different frame of mind, but it is going to take a lot of prayer to return to that place…where I am content, where I fully trust God with my health, where I live fully with no regrets.

When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing’s done
And the whole world seems against me
When I’m rolling in my bed, there’s a storm in my head
I’m afraid of sinking in despair.

CHORUS:

Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you’re bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory

There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

Downhere.”Calmer of the Storm.” 2001.

Advertisements

13 Comments

Filed under Adjusting to NF2, Family Times, Uncategorized

13 responses to “I feel Blue

  1. Wanda Couzens-Smith

    Praying for you. Appreciating your honesty. God knows. God cares.

    • mel

      Thanks Wanda. It is when I write these thoughts that after I see a lot of the emotion and deep thoughts are released. It hasn’t changed anything of the circumstance, my heart is lighter. 🙂

      Hope you enjoyed the start of the New Year!

  2. Tracy

    I’ve been praying for you, too, Mel! I cannot even pretend to understand. Do you follow Steve Saint? I think he would be a great encouragement to you! He understands fully 🙂

  3. Aunt Tanis

    Dear Melinda,
    Praying for you today! I read this quote in my devotions today (by William Countryman) “The person you are now, the person you have been, the person you will be–this person God has chosen as beloved.”
    Love you much!!!

  4. Tamara Fassett

    May you know that so many people love you dearly! You are the most courageous and strong person I know! HUGS!!!

    • mel

      Thanks Mrs. Fassett. I get very humbled when I think of all the prayers and encouragement I receive–but it is usually AFTER I have those pity-party moments for myself. 🙂

  5. marcie

    oh, my sweet Melinda! i am praying for strength to go on! I am praying for peace, His peace-the peace which surpasses understanding and which will guard your heart and mind through Christ Jesus. He is the Source of everything we need- let us throw ourselves into His loving arms every day, every moment!

    • mel

      Thanks Marcie. Seeing you Christmas Eve was a blessing! I hope we can meet for coffee soon too as your joyful spirit lifts mine. 🙂

      • marcie

        you choose the time, sweet girl, and I will bring my good organic coffee! we lift each other up, dearest!
        I continue to pray for you, for grace to go through it and grace to maintain a joyful heart! He is able! He ALONE is able! He is the giver of grace and peace and joy!

  6. Megan

    Hello sis! Although I cannot relate to all the physical changes you are continually experiencing, I can tell you that I’ve had the “Can’t we all just ignore it?”… not you, but everything health wise. All the insecurities, fears, and doubts that come with it all too.

    I think the main reason for that is just wanting it all to go away – for you to be alright and not have NF2 but then I realize that my small point of view in comparison with God’s cannot comprehend nor do I know the reasoning He has for your life plan.

    That’s when I’m either prone to getting mad at God and blaming Him for giving you this or when I simply place you in His loving hands and trust that that’s the best place for you to be!!!

    Love you tons… Chin up ~ Megs

  7. Megan

    *or I have the daily choice to simply place you in His loving hands and trust that that’s the best place for you to be!!! XOXO

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s