I feel Blue

And I look blue too–at least before I scrubbed my hands, washed my paintbrushes and changed my sweatpants; I had blue paint all over them as well. I wasn’t trying to be messy, but it seems the darker the paint color, the more prone you are to dropping the paintbrush or accidentally rubbing against the table where the paint is wet from the outer-border edges or my favorite: opening a tube of paint and have a huge blob splatter on your hands (I don’t bother with fingernail polish much anymore). And a painter’s secret–Never open a tube of paint over your canvas. You’re just asking for trouble. 😉

Tonight I was finishing the bottom portion of a sky/sea painting for my uncle. I selected my shades of blue hues, a few greens, such as a sea-green and teal, and a silver shade for the finishing touches. I sat down to sort of think about what brushes to use and stroke styles. My mind wanders and I just ended with having a good cry. It was a bit of pity for myself (hence, “I feel blue,” as in the downward emotional state) mixed with a bit of anger, and denial. Yep, that is me at the moment. The year wasn’t supposed to end this way, but it did…and is.

I was doing just fine. I know my body has changed even since ending chemo in November. I know I need to sit down and be serious in thought about important decisions…about changes that could be in my future where I will need more help in daily living. I know I need to talk more with my parents and siblings about such things, but don’t know how..I don’t have the words or the thoughts. Can’t we all just ignore it? Since November’s end of chemo and all doctor appointments, I have been able to breathe–no pressure to think about health at all times or record it like I did during chemo. There were hard days certainly, but to not think about the next MRI or certain doctors I will have to see and the questions they will ask was rewarding. I still want to say that in my decisions that I have lived with no regrets.

Ending the year of 2013 could not be better: From a relaxing Christmas with the family to having relatives visit on their travels, I anticipate the New Year Day as my sister and brother-in-law visit from Colorado for a week! 🙂 But my excitement got short-lived as they sent me the papers for my next MRI and doctor appointment dates. The reminder that my days of living in denial are closing in has made me angry; last night I was so upset I wanted to throw up or scream. I just cried myself to sleep instead. It kept coming back to time: “You have one more month of freedom.”

In my head, I start to hear the questions I know I will be asked and I start to give my answers. And that is where I feel blue…because I know my body has changed; I live in it–I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know my balance continues to worsen and my hearing is in its final stages. What I tell my doctors, what my parents tell my doctors and my MRI scans are considered “me” and that makes me frustrated, because I want doctors to see past the little finger, arm and leg strength tests and see me. I want them to see me and how I try my hardest opening things before asking for help, putting my walker in my car, doing laundry or painting. I guess my fear is having decisions made for me, as in the past. And I grow discontent with my body. I just want to tell it to stop changing, but I can’t control those decisions either.

This mornings sermon was from I Timothy 6:6-11:

But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. (verses 6-8).

Contentment doesn’t pertain only to material possessions (although that was mostly what was discussed.) We also read from Matthew 6:25-34, in which we are reminded not to be anxious, because God knows exactly what we need and will provide. Normally when I read these passages, I stay on the material possessions path, but today, Pastor Joe also started discussing health; It caught my attention. He read a passage from the book of Job and made a point that we can also be content with our bodies, no matter the changes–God is in control. You would think after a sermon like this that I would have a different frame of mind, but it is going to take a lot of prayer to return to that place…where I am content, where I fully trust God with my health, where I live fully with no regrets.

When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing’s done
And the whole world seems against me
When I’m rolling in my bed, there’s a storm in my head
I’m afraid of sinking in despair.

CHORUS:

Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you’re bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory

There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

Downhere.”Calmer of the Storm.” 2001.