Category Archives: Hospital Trips

August 23, 2013 · 3:03 pm

Deliciousness :)

At the beginning of summer, I had invited my friend over for a brunch. Because planning ahead is a personal forte, I made the menu days in advance and set out grocery shopping. I especially wanted to make banana bread, so I made sure I had all the ingredients on the recipe card from my grandma that I found in my mom’s cookbook.

Upon gathering the ingredients to get started baking, I realized I had forgotten the shortening. With my parents out of town,  I started to panic as I am not good with these mess-up-to-fix-with-different-ingredient kitchen professionals. So I just went to the computer. I figured someone else had been in the same situation. I was right.

I found this banana bread recipe on Simply Recipes (http://simplyrecipes.com). It is quite simple: no shortening, no problem!  You just replace it with butter instead. 🙂 I also added in some blueberries to the batch and once in the pan, I sprinkled (in very gracious quantity) nutmeg and cinnamon spices on the top before placing it in the oven. Simply DELICIOUS!

I just made another batch last night as I wanted it for a fast breakfast on the go, because Mom and I set out in the very early morning today for Children’s Hospital in Cincinnati for my MRI. Last night’s cooking experience was NOT as easy as the first time, due to the increased numbness and weakness in my hands; But the finished product was totally worth the huge mess I made in the kitchen otherwise. 🙂

Banana Bread

Prep time: 5 minutes (Not in my timing, but just what the recipe says, LOL)

Cook time: 1 hour

Ingredients

  • 3 or 4 ripe bananas, smashed
  • 1/3 cup melted butter
  • 1 cup sugar (can easily reduce to 3/4 cup)
  • 1 egg, beaten
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • Pinch of salt
  • 1 1/2 cups of all-purpose flour
  • *Blueberries: approx. 1 cup
  • *Optional: 1/4 Tsp Cinnamon; 1/8 Tsp Nutmeg; 1/4 cup crushed Walnuts

Preheat the oven to 350°F (175°C). Mix butter into the mashed bananas in a large mixing bowl. Mix in the sugar, egg, and vanilla. Sprinkle the baking soda and salt (*and optional ingredients) over the mixture and mix in. Add the flour last, mix. *Add in blueberries last. Pour mixture into a buttered 4×8 inch loaf pan. *Add cinnamon and nutmeg on top if desired. Bake for 1 hour. Cool on a rack. Remove from pan and slice to serve.

I mentioned to my interpreter this morning that I had baked this and she gave me the idea to serve with cream cheese. We just so happen to have whipped cream cheese in the refrigerator at the moment–I think I will try that on my next piece. 😀 Enjoy!

*I added in the blueberries and optional ingredients myself. It is not part of the original recipe:

http://www.simplyrecipes.com/recipes/banana_bread/

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July 31, 2013 · 10:22 pm

One month…

Yesterday marked one month of taking the chemo treatment, Sirolimus. Because it was the end of my first 28 day cycle of the drug, Mom and I headed down to Children’s for a doctor’s appointment. It ended up taking all afternoon.

It is strange. This time around it is as if I am indifferent as to what comes next. In discussing the issues at hand, I made my point clear about what direction I wanted to take in terms of treatment time without much else running through my mind. My doctor asked me if I wanted to continue. I simply said that I would for one more month until the MRI. If I stop now then how will I know if the treatments have been given a chance to maybe show something positive on the next MRI? He agreed that one month more is a good decision.

My indifference comes in part, however, because I also mentioned that I would not be surprised if the scans reflected negatively–based on the amount of physical changes I have had over even just this past month. More wobbly balance, weaker right ankle, extreme numbness in right hand, and hearing loss in the right ear. From the time I bought the Phonak Cros to the time it arrived, I had lost hearing in the right ear and I believe I still am. I returned the Cros last week, but I am satisfied with my choice to do so and glad I at least gave the device a trial run.

It is hard to decipher what is causing what problems. Since I started the treatment, I have had more problems with my intestines…but it is hard to point a finger only at the Sirolimus when I have also had an increase of pressure from the tumors there at the lower spine. Every physical problem seems to get tangled around an “unknown source” linked to the problem. Of course we all know that the “unknown source” is a tumor, but which one? That is the question. And I think that is why I just left all emotions yesterday. I have no control over what happens over the next month. Tumors may or may not be growing; even if they do not show change in size, they can change in density and still cause side effects. So I just let myself become void of it all.

I was quiet on the way home. I was not even thinking much about the appointment. I was thinking more about the conversation my dad and I had a few nights prior. We were discussing my walking, weak ankles, my muscles and bones, and my shoes. If you don’t remember, I have a knack for cute shoes. To me, they complete the outfit. As Dad and I were talking, what he was saying made sense: I do need sturdy shoes as now my bones are thinning and weakening and my balance is only so-so. I wear good shoes for a majority of the time, but I like to wear a cute pair of slip on shoes if I am going out to church or to a coffee shop and I like to go barefoot when I can at home. It might be time to rethink that latter part–is what Dad and I discussed.

In my distress of our shoe conversation (serious…giving up my shoes!?!), Dad told me that I should not worry about my shoes, because I am fashionable with my accessories, like scarves and bracelets. I thought that was a nice complement. I talked with my doctor about the shoes and what Dad said when we were discussing my feet. “I agree with him 100%,” (referring to the sturdy shoe notion.) So on the way home, half lamenting and half planning what to do with my shoes, I just let my mind wander. All over shoes.

We get home and Dad asks how the appointment went. “It was long.” That is all I said. Then I made tea. I finally started talking about the appointment (even though my mind was still on my shoes) and just gave a two sentence overview of the plan–get my intestines feeling better and go one more month to the MRI. Everything past that is dependent on the results. I think I was still indifferent to it all. Being an emotional person, to not feel emotion is weird. Maybe indifference is a slight emotion…or at least triggers one of self-pity. Whatever the case, I had it last night. I could tell: I ate a huge chunk of fudge and watched a movie. Then I just went to bed.

As I was turning off my light, I flipped through some flashcards of verses that my mom made me while in college. One read, “But He knows the way I take; When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold,” Job 23:10. In one day, Job lost everything: his children, livestock, servants, property, wealth…and yet he still chose to say, “The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord,” Job 1:21b.

I admit, there are times when it is not easy to say, “Blessed be the name of the Lord,” especially when I feel that things are being taken from me–whether they pertain to my physical body or to my possessions. But remaining indifferent to the road ahead will only make the journey more tiring. Choosing a life of praise is a better path to travel.

“If God sends us on strong paths, we are provided strong shoes.”

Corrie ten Boom

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July 23, 2013 · 11:34 pm

Shifting Agendas

I had an agenda for today. I had my various projects all neatly organized, ready to be completed. My day started bright and early with getting my blood drawn for chemo. It has now been three weeks on the chemo treatment and my lab results look good. I still have had no side effects other than in the intestines, which is like a roller coaster ride: some days I feel fantastic and other days not. I am in humble gratitude for your daily prayers.

Shortly after returning home, I made chai and settled down for a time of reading and studying. When I finished, I had a whole new agenda: Think of something you have been neglecting and respond. I cleaned my bathroom and changed my sheets (it is a full workout for me); I refilled Muffy’s water dish; I rested; I enjoyed the evening air; I painted. It was a fantastic day.

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Title: Prism.

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July 21, 2013 · 7:12 pm

The Book: “NF2: Our Journeys”

Question: Where has this year gone? Here we are in July already! Stop and think for a moment on all that you have done in the past six months. If you are like me, you may be wondering how you are going to write your Christmas card this year; thankfully, we still have another six months to figure that out. 🙂

As I reflect, there is a list of major events on my calendar: blood clot, hospital trips, Physical therapy, paintings, a few visits to see grandparents, Spring Break vacation, books read, made new friends, turned another year older, overcoming new physical limitations, visited my sister a few times in Columbus and Megan visited from Colorado…and last but certainly not least: I wrote about my life (limit 1500 words) for this book NF2: Our Journeys.

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January 2, 2o13–a representative from The Children’s Tumor Foundation contacted me through my blog in response to a letter I had sent to the foundation at the end of the previous year. Three days later, she contacted me again. The Children’s Tumor Foundation works alongside a foundation in the UK called, Children With Tumors. There was an opportunity for those with NF2 to participate in this publication (sharing their story)–all started by Jessica Cook who also lives with NF2.

January 9, 2013: Unexpected blood clot.

January 10, 2013: In hospital and I get an email from Jess. This is where it began.

I can count on both hands how many people I have known/met personally that live with either NF1 or NF2. Yes…less than ten people. It was only when I started this blog that my social group of “meeting” people who live with NF2 expanded slightly. When Jess first emailed me, it was about the book. I had no idea over the next five months I would not only get to be part of this amazing opportunity to share my journey of living with NF2, but also make a new friend in the process.

January and February were crazy months of doctor appointments, physical therapy and painting. I had until the end of February to write my story. Not that I procrastinated, but a combination of all taking place those months and just a lack of not knowing what to say, I finally forced myself to sit down a few days before the due date and write. I submitted it the day the rough drafts were due. By this time, Jess and I had been emailing back and forth and she responded to my draft with praise saying that it was what she had expected. That put my nervousness at ease.

My story was edited (spelling, grammar, punctuation) by Jess and a few of her friends and then sent back to me to read and review. I asked my cousin, who is known for her exceptional editing skills, for help on a few sentences and wordings–then satisfied–I sent it back to Jess saying it was final on my end. I picked my “author name” for the introduction and submitted a picture. (Muffy is famous! 🙂 ) By this time, I now had told my family about Jess and the book; I had mentioned it to my doctors in Cincinnati and wrote about Jess to my grandparents. Just talking about it all was exciting!

Getting to know Jess over the past six months has been both encouraging and inspiring. We never started our emails from the past (full life story)…we started right where we were at the moment. Sure, past events have come up in our conversations, such as, physical changes we have endured, emotional battles we have overcome (such as isolation and self-image struggles) and how living with NF2 has broadened our life’s story in ways unimaginable.

Jess’ work in the UK through her social advocacy website and group–Can You Hear Us?–has inspired me to be connected. I have been reading other blogs from people living with NF2 and (though good intentions) need to make a better effort to seek out the Deaf community here. It has also helped me to seek out the possibilities when life hands you disabilities; I believe God placed this book opportunity in front of me for a reason–because these past six months, I have seen my body change and weaken faster than the other nine years of living with the disease combined.

I say it often, but it is the truth: It is only by God’s strength and mercy that I can still function what I am. And He has shown me in abundance the past few months that what I currently struggle with physically is not the end–there is still more to my story waiting to be told. There is always room for hope…

My story: I seems to be a re-occurring phrase over the past few weeks. A few days ago I thought of the hymn “Blessed Assurance.” I think Fanny Crosby wrote what I feel about my story best:

Perfect submission, all is at rest
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior, all the day long;
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior, all the day long.

– – –

To buy a copy of the book:

http://canyouhearus.co.uk/nf2-book/shop/

(Shipping is included in the book price and PayPal converts the total for those ordering from the United States.)

For More Information:

Cook, Jessica (producer). NF2: Our Journeys: A collection of inspirational stories written by people with NF2. Lavenham Suffolk, UK: canyouhearus.co.uk, 2013.

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June 28, 2013 · 11:59 pm

It’s like lab work…Part II

Yesterday morning, my mom, sister and I set out for Cincinnati. My first appointment at Children’s was at 10:30am, and although it turned out to be a very long appointment (which I am used to), it really helped in understanding more of the treatments and a few ” for future reference” ideas from my social worker in the case I start getting to a point where more help is needed in daily things.

Whereas last appointment I was emotionally calm, this time I seemed to be an emotional wreck. In discussing the chemo treatments and steroids with my doctor, I burst into tears as I tell him the thought of me not being able to be on steroids (which are moderately helping as much as they can with the pressure from the tumors) is just unthinkable for me. How will I function? Then I turn right around about an hour later and get upset when we start discussing the options for receiving help in the case I am no longer functional, such as areas like getting ready in the morning or in the event I need to stay home alone and need someone to be there just in case I need help. I blurted out defense, “I am fine on my own.” Yes, but for how long. I see now that these decisions also affect my family and although I rely on them and they will do anything to come to my aid…there may be a point in time when they just need to be family and I can get more professional assistance. And thinking that way bugs me. So I ignore that fact, when I may someday have to face it.

I felt yesterday was a more typical doctor appointment. It was like a teeter-totter. I had my concerns/fears on one end and I had my push to continue to try hard when things are slowing down on the other side. I don’t think there is a right and wrong to this equation…but I realized the continual need for keeping this in balance is important too and that balance comes best when I lay aside both my fears of the unknown and my defense wall and focus on what God sees. Some nights I get in bed and have relief when I say, “God is not finished yet…” and other nights I just get in bed and cry, telling him that I am not sure how this is going to work. I think I took both these emotions with me yesterday even though I am at a peace about starting the treatments. I think too that because my body has been changing, I have been fighting harder against it and putting a “state of emergency” on getting treatments started to see if they help. Again, I have no control of this, but getting that into my heart and mind is a difficult task. Something I am struggling with and have in the past.

In general, I can’t say that I can give you much details about the chemo, Sirolimus. To be honest, I think I found the statement, “Third time’s a charm,” to be false. This is the third time that I went over the chemo treatments and side effects with my doctor. It was a bit overwhelming. I understood everything but it is very detailed this time with specific instructions that I am nervous. My RN assured me in an email this morning that the process will make better sense once we get started. And it will not be like Avastin where I go and have one day treatments then recuperate for a few days, get back to normal living and then restart the process in two weeks. This chemo treatment will be taken at home (which I also learned that it is a solution, not a pill) and I will be taking it more frequent than once every two weeks (like Avastin).

As we discussed side effects again, my doctor made it very clear that very few have started the chemo while being on steroids treatment at the same time. However, because I don’t have an option to stop steroids at this point in time (I guess I do but highly unwise), the team of doctors are going to be monitoring my blood levels from labs and anything that I email of things noticed, because this chemo affects your immune system and they do not want me to get infections of any kind, especially in the lungs (could lead to pneumonia). Most of chemo will be regulated by labs and blood levels..it will be a slow process, but still the hopes I do well on it and possible halt of tumor growth.

A few of the other side effects I will be given more instructions on what to watch (such as sores in the mouth, fevers, headaches)…and I was given specific instructions that I was not allowed to drink grapefruit juice. Still not sure why, but it does not harm me any as I don’t like grapefruit. 🙂 The plan for now is to get labs done on Monday, and as long as everything with labs check for an ok to go/insurance for the medicine then I am set to start this Tuesday, July 2nd.

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The second part of doctor appointments was getting my much-anticipated Phonak Cros! I was a little concerned about the (probable) loss of hearing that I don’t think I was as excited about it as I was a few weeks ago. I told my audiologist first thing about my hearing loss observation. We did a quick hearing test on the right side and it did show that I lost some frequency in the low tones. Surprising but then again not so much, because the tinnitus has changed from when I wrote about my mind feeling “unorchestrated” to now a lower consistent tone. I said, “It sounds like a man gargling.” Sometimes things are hard to explain, ;).

We adjusted my hearing aid on the right side to give me more volume. I decided to go ahead and give the Cros the full trial run (keeping it under warranty of 30 days). This means I have time to try it out in different settings and see if it helps. If I think it is not-or in the event I notice more hearing loss in the next few weeks-then I have the option to return it for full refund. I am really wanting this to work, but at the same time, the hearing loss is something I will never regain…so I feel I must be wise in the final decision and give this a good trial run.

It is a strange piece! It is very tiny and there is no ear mold…just this little 3-D triangle microphone that goes in the ear and this little plastic tube that is attached the actual body of the Cros that rests on my ear. I am so used to having ear molds that I panicked when Marcia asked how it was working. I was feeling inside my ear and since I felt no ear mold I thought I had lost it. It will take some getting used to–especially putting it in!!

I can’t honestly say that I think I notice it helping yet as it has only been one day. Last night I didn’t notice changes, but I do want to keep my thoughts open about it and not “assume” the worst that it won’t work. Tomorrow I have a lunch with a friend at Chic Fil A. No time like the present to test it.

And that is the current news…the end of my lab report. 🙂

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June 28, 2013 · 6:07 pm

It’s like lab work…Part I

If you have ever had important medicines where labs are required before you can proceed with anything medical then this post would be like the lab work. Maybe I spent too many hours in doctor appointments yesterday or maybe it is because I have somewhat neglected to keep you all informed of current physical conditions, but to understand yesterday and the current future course of actions then you need to understand the lab work of what has brought me to this point.

So here it is: Part I

I wrote at the beginning of the month about my May MRI/hearing test results, a list of things physically changing in my body and the fact that I had an option for a chemo treatment. Over the course of the month, here is an inside scoop of a few important decisions and observations that lead up to yesterday’s appointments.

First, it was no easy decision about the chemo treatments. Yes, I had an absolute peace that doctor’s appointment, but when I returned home, I was forced to face reality and the fear of the reality that my body is indeed winding down faster than my hopes, I lost sight of the peace that God was in complete control. I felt like this heavy cloud was over me..like the fear that I would make a wrong decision. I was just confused even though I was seeking God with my whole heart.

Do what the Lord bids you, where he bids you, as he bids you, as long as he bids you, and do it at once. —C.H. Spurgeon

Between different songs coming to mind (Michael W. Smith’s “Someday” (Set the Children Free), passages of Scripture (Psalm 90, emphasis verse 12), talking with my parents and the C.H. Spurgeon’s quote, I came to the decision that I would start the chemo treatments. Not implying that God has given me this time to “be sick,” but that I have the time right now to try. I knew deep inside that if I got to the next MRI without at least trying, then I would hold guilt on myself (even though I shouldn’t). I also had to come to realize that this is still something that is purely trial run. The hope is that it stops tumor growth, but it could not work any at all too. Neither myself or my doctors have any control of that.

My decision made, I emailed my doctors and we started communicating about different things. I also told them that I would not want to start anything until after my parents returned from their trip to Colorado. That leads us to this week.

Like any other appointment, I have to evaluate myself and make a list of any new physical changes noticed or questions I may have. Even though I was just at Children’s three weeks ago, I had a list of new physical changes which is a bit saddening, because it means that the something is still going on inside my brain area. Because I won’t have an MRI for another 2 months, I can’t assume tumors are growing but they are obviously putting pressure or something as my body is showing change, especially on the right side.

Changes I have noticed have been complete numbness in my right hand and up my arm. (I will blog more on my right arm later). There has also been an increase of pressure in my neck, so I feel my posture has decreased again even with keeping up with my PT exercises. I also have had an increase of pressure in the lower spine. I can feel it as well as I notice it in the way that I stand and the added pressure on my intestines. My balance seems about the same in normal walking situations but may have a bit more troubles as the most frustrating recent change being losing hearing in my right ear. Usually a few small decibel is not that noticeable, but I just got my hearing aid adjusted two weeks ago and already noticed that I was having a hard time hearing. And even if I did not notice, others had because the first thing a few friends and my doctor pointed out was my voice being strained (I do this when I can’t “hear” myself speak.)

As all this came together, I took my list and my questions to my doctor appointment yesterday. My lab work on my behalf was complete, but I was in for more when I got there…

Continues in Part II.

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June 21, 2013 · 12:44 am

Thursday’s Terrible Tumble

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

I wouldn’t call it ironic, but yes, I did read this passage of Scripture in the early morning hours with my cup of coffee.

The day seemed to start so typical in routine. Awake by 7am-ish, make a cup of coffee, feed Muffy breakfast, watch a deer eat the farmer’s soy beans, eat my own breakfast and morning readings. This morning, my intent was to get to the gym for an exercise before coming home to finish a few lingering projects. I should stop planning my days.

I leave a note for my sister that I headed to the gym with a salutation, “Be back soon, xo.” I had used the bike yesterday, so today I wanted to walk two miles in preparation for Sunday’s NF Walk in Cincinnati in corporation with raising awareness and funds for research with the Children’s Tumor Foundation. We have known about this for months, but I was not fully interested in taking part of the event until I participated in the Miami Valley Women’s Center, “Walk 4 Life,” in May. Shortly after this, I emailed my family to see if they were interested still in the idea, as I would only be I interested if someone walked with me. I would not walk again by myself. Although my parents would be out-of-town that day, my sisters committed to the walk.

So, taking my momentum of excitement to the gym, I decide I can walk the two miles better in a straight line than 16 times in a circle around the indoor track. I go for a treadmill. My thoughts betrayed me.

I was doing just fine. I actually have no idea what went wrong. I am a symmetric person (the accountant in me to balance like an equation), and when I exercise it is no different. I warm up for five minutes then do a faster walk for ten or twenty minutes then cool down for five minutes. I was walking slower than an average person’s stride for the first five minutes, clutching the handle with both hands. I barely notch up the speed to get my legs moving and I don’t even think it was but a few minutes later that I just came down.

It was slow motion: my nose planted in the middle of the handle bar and I try to pick myself up and regain balance but then my feet just buckle from underneath me and down I go…hitting my mouth on the way while belly flopping on the moving tack. I very ungracefully glide off and somehow landed on the floor sitting up cross-legged. I had lost my glasses on the way down so I can’t see and hold my nose and say, “Ow. That hurt.” Then I realize I am bleeding from my nose and considering my fall plus blood thinner pills–well, the equation was very messy and did not balance.

Within seconds I had at least from what I remember, four people at my side. One gave me towels for my nose, another had my glasses and two finally helped me to my feet when I was ready. The lady there helped me to the bathroom to wash my hands and arms and then when I was a bit clean (still bloody nose), I sat out at the tables and they did paperwork. They were very concerned and helped me call my sister (we woke her up) and she came to pick me up.

The rest of the day goes from there…while I sit on the couch with ice on my already blackish-blue nose, Marcia is making all the necessary phone calls in order to figure out what to do next. My doctors at Children’s wanted a CAT scan of the nose and neck to ensure nothing was broken but most importantly the bleeding factor, even though I was not showing any signs of something drastic. We ended up leaving twenty minutes later for the ER and spent the next few hours there. Thankfully, my nose is not broken and nothing wrong otherwise but a low INR count.

The point of my story is not necessarily my poor decision to decide to walk on a treadmill with weak legs and ankles (and not attaching the safety stop clip to myself either), but that I would have not made it through the day without the kindness and help from those around me or those on the other end of the phone with my sister. Even if I did not have NF2, I still believe that after a tumble like that, I would have required a helping hand.

This is why I am excited to be part of the NF Walk on Sunday–because I can be a helping hand in bringing hope to others just as others have done for me.

We can’t do everything, but can we do anything more valuable than invest ourselves in another? Elisabeth Elliot

For more information:

My team, “We walk with Mel!”:

https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1044487&supId=373310036

NF Walk in Cincinnati: http://ctf.kintera.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=1044487&lis=1&kntae1044487=AC40628269E94A3193B4E32ACD2CA733

The Children’s Tumor Foundation: http://www.ctf.org/

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June 2, 2013 · 11:26 pm

Thursday’s doctor visits.

And it happened. May is now officially over and June has just begun. Crazy to think!

So I thought I would just recap from where I left off…Wednesday evening:

I don’t know what kind of results tomorrow will show or what I will be doing in this next month or the rest of the year, but as I gather my list of inefficiencies, I remember that when I can’t…He can.

I wake Thursday morning around my typical time, 6:10 a.m. This typical morning time started about a month ago…steroids can cause change in sleeping patterns. Lucky me, I get morning shifts where I see the sun come up and drink fresh cups of coffee at breakfast.

Thursday was no exception except our coffee was on the go, because we had to get down to Cincinnati for my doctor appointments. The day turned out to be relatively fast appointments and we even made it home before 4:30 p.m. which is a record breaker!

I came prepared with my list of questions and observations of things over the past three months. The doctors said I am doing well for the condition that my body is living. And considering the results of my MRI, that prior sentence is an answer to many prayers daily on my behalf.

The MRI of the spine showed stable, which is not what I was expecting, because it usually has more liquid in the tumor at the base of the neck growing in the spine. I asked if there was more fluid in this tumor, but the measurements did not show so.

The MRI of the brain is what surprised me. It showed tumor growth in the meninges areas, including the 5th nerve, etc. I asked out of curiosity if my doctor had a count of how many tumors were growing. He did not know, but estimated about 80% of the tumors in this meninges area were growing; a few as much as 3-5mm and that is the most growth I have had yet. The tumor on the left acoustic nerve has also grown. When I mentioned that I had more ringing and my hearing test results from last week, it made more sense of why my hearing has decreased in that ear rapidly over the past two months.
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Because I have had a lot of new side effects, I asked if the tumors from the brain are the ones effecting the rest of my body. It seemed strange to me that this could be probable. I guess I don’t know enough about the brain. Anyway, my doctor said that between the tumors in the brain, the one in my neck and all the ones in the spine down lower at the abdomen–it is extremely difficult to decipher which tumors are causing the problems.
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My initial thought was that they would increase my steroids, but because I have been experiencing certain side effects, they are keeping me on the same dosage I had been taking already. The steroids are just to help keep the pressure from the tumors down, but don’t have any control on the tumors as I also have thought this whole time.
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Right now, I do have a chemo treatment option. It is also the last option at the moment that I have as far as studied/approved treatments. It is an oral treatment, so I would take it by pill. We went over the possible side effects again. They seem tolerable if I would get any but most effects deal with the blood cell counts and high cholesterol. I could also get a rash, swelling in the face, sores in the mouth (things like this.)
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Thursday morning, my reading in Oswald Chamber’s My Utmost for His Highest talked about complete trust in Jesus: “Jesus Christ demands that you risk everything you hold on to or believe through common sense, and leap by faith into what He says.” I didn’t make my decision on this chemo treatment on Thursday. In fact, I still have to pray more about it and make sure that this is what God wants me to do. But one thing is for certain–I feel God had prepared me for that day, the news, the treatment possibility. I had a peace that I normally don’t feel at doctor appointments.
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I can’t say that over the weekend the peace remained as strong as what I felt on Thursday. There were times of doubt, fear of the unknown, hard questions to ask myself. But when the time comes for my decision, I want to know the fullness of His peace like I felt on Thursday. The peace that passes all understanding and say, “Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, ‘It is well! It is well with my soul!'” (Horacio G. Spafford, It is Well with My Soul. 1873.)

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May 29, 2013 · 5:16 pm

List of my insufficiencies

Kermit. Miss Piggy. Animal. Rowlf the Dog. Beaker. Fozzy Bear. The Electric Mayhem.  Statler and Waldorf. Rizzo the Rat. The Swedish Chef. (Just to name a few.) If you have ever seen any of the Muppet movies or The Muppet Show episodes, I am sure you can envision the characters, the voices, the humor. And sometimes God uses the strangest Muppet analogies to give me humor in spite of my insufficiencies.

This past weekend, I started my notes of things that need to be discussed with the doctors tomorrow. I see a team of different specialists: my main doctor for the MRI results and treatment plan; a pain team management doctor for the tumors in my hands and the pain in my neck/upper back; a follow-up with my doctor for the blood clot and a few others. It is a long day–early to late in the afternoon with all the evaluations being meticulous, but repetitive. There are the talks of future possibilities, different treatment options available, different steps or things to watch. My brain about half through goes into standby. So I started bringing a list. I do better with lists. I am a note-taker person. It helps me focus and understand or stay awake. 🙂

So this list is all the changes that have occurred in my physical body since my February visit. After my scribbles of a list was finished, I put my pen down and cracked my knuckles. (I know you are not supposed to do this, but it feels good and I figure my fingers are already worse off anyway.) I look at my hands and start to laugh. Out of nowhere I remember my MRI experience from last Thursday. That day, I thought I would take a nap during the scan, but the technician asked if I wanted a movie. I looked at the list anyway and figured I would just watch something fun and that I have seen before so if I fell asleep then it was no big deal. I skim the options fast and choose what I see as “Muppets.” Now assuming this was The Muppet Movie, I get cozy with my arms strapped in and headgear set in place. The movie starts and this is no Muppet beginning…it is Muppets from Space and I think, “Oh boy. I haven’t seen this in forever!” The first fifteen or so minutes, I was breathing so hard through my nose, because it was the only way I could keep from laughing!

I did end up falling asleep during the movie, but I don’t think I would have ever thought of this on my own if I had not watched that particular movie, because unlike the other movies where Kermit and Miss Piggy are the lead characters, this time it was Gonzo and Rizzo the Rat. Gonzo. Classic character. Classic nose.

gonzo http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2902164736/tt0158811

See that nose? If you are wondering how my left ring finger now looks as it continues to curl in–think Gonzo’s nose. It matches. Find the humor in the analogy and laugh. It’s ok, because I already did.

In making my list for the doctors, I found the “head and shoulders, knees and toes” song was the best way to organize my list so I started with my hearing; then my neck and upper back–more pressure and getting hard again to stand up straight or hold up my chin; my arm and hands–besides the “Gonzo nose” finger, my left middle finger has significantly started to curl as well. Whereas my right hand just went completely numb to my elbow making things like holding pens, buttoning my pants, putting in bobby pins, holding cups or texting, holding my toothbrush, tying my shoes, pouring coffee from the pot and typing more of a daunting task than they should be. My bowels still deal with constipation; and my legs/feet are weak. I can hardly get up off the floor or when I bend over to pet Muffy, if I am not holding on to something then I easily loose my balance and occasionally just fall over. Strange though, I have not had any pain spasms–Charlie Horse cramps in the legs–but no pain spasms!

I usually look at my list and I see my life becoming less independent. And if there is one thing in life that would be the hardest to surrender, it is my independence. It was the reason last year that I struggled so hard with moving back home. But where I could only focus on the losing part, God had bigger plans and he has been helping me to see that I can still live fully on my own. I just have a few speed bumps that take a bit slower t0 get over. Yes, there are days when I am completely frustrated at my hands or cry and say, “A 25 year old should not have this problem!” (like not being able to button my pants.) But to see past my insufficiencies helps me to see how blessed I truly am, because I have resources available to help and when the resources can’t, my family can.

Over the past few months, things of this have been changing: I got my own plates, bowls and cups that I can hold better; I have my special silverware and we just ordered more because I constantly use my fork and spoon now as it is. (See utensils here.) We also just ordered a button hook so I can button my pants; coiler elastic shoelaces so I don’t have to worry about tying my shoes or bending over when they come untied; and I bought hairbands so I don’t always have to use bobby pins. If I go clothes shopping, I have to be able to put the outfit on myself or I don’t buy it; I went back to wearing dangling earrings, because most often they don’t need backs so I don’t have to worry about trying to hold the tiny piece of metal; I gave away all but a few cd’s as I came to a peace about losing my hearing; and have been getting really good at finger poking at the keyboard when my hands otherwise are too tired or cramped to type in a normal fashion.

I don’t know what kind of results tomorrow will show or what I will be doing in this next month or the rest 0f the year, but as I gather my list of insufficiencies, I remember that when I can’t…He can.

I think I can’t, I think I can’t
But I think You can, I think You can
I think I can’t, I think I can’t
But I think You can, I think You can
Gather my insufficiencies and
place them in Your hands, place them in Your hands, place them in Your hands

~Relient K, “For the Moments I Feel Faint”

Other resources:

http://www.arthritissupplies.com/good-grips-button-hook.html

http://www.arthritissupplies.com/coilers-elastic-shoelaces.html

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May 23, 2013 · 11:55 pm

Half the Results

It is that time again…after three months of no doctor appointments (give or take a few random ones), today was my annual MRI and hearing test day. I only have half the results as I will find out the results of my MRI next week when I see my team of doctors at Children’s in Cincinnati.

My results are from my hearing test. I had actually prepared myself (maybe prepared is too strong of a word)–hmmm. maybe I should say, “wrestled with my emotions” on this subject weeks ago. It first started when I was on the spring break vacation with my family. I felt isolation. There were the large family dinners with company. In those moments, I felt anger and frustration. There were the nights I laid in bed and talked to God and just asked Him how I was going to live with all this new change. I felt sadness. There were the moments my family signed to me and I understood; practicing a language brought laughter.

I didn’t really have any emotions today going into my hearing test. Well, ok, maybe one slight assertive emotion: I go in and sit in the chair and we start discussing how my hearing has been and changes I have noticed. In the conversation I bring up my well-reasoned and thought out explanation of why I choose not to do the test where they read the word but cover their mouth. I say, “I just make up words.” Not on purpose, but I have no idea what the word is. I just think: that sounded like it started with a “C” and then say a word that it could be. Think of words! My probability of guessing the right word is off the charts! Which is why I always get zero correct when lips are covered. Then we test where I can read lips. A much more enjoyable experience! Sadly though, my assertiveness does not compare to set procedures, so I had to take all the word tests. I am sure the audiologist does not hear cases like mine often, since I am so old compared to the other patients there, so I am thankful she took time to hear my argument. 🙂
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My right ear has stayed the same since February which is good news! The tinnitus today was not that bad, so I am glad for that too as some days it is SO loud, I feel that affects my hearing. I have an appointment next Friday with the Hearing, Speech and Deafness Center to get my hearing aid on the right side adjusted to a higher volume of hearing compatibility, because I don’t hear anything out of my left. The audiologist said, “It is not deaf yet,” because I could hear the beeps at two different levels (which I was not expecting). I was shocked! When I asked, she said it was at the highest level…so if you had regular hearing, I wonder how loud it would be! Basically, in order to “hear” something out of my left ear, it would have to be a volume of epic proportion–and at that point I still have my right ear so how would I be able to distinguish left from right?
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I have been going without my left aid most often as it is a waste of battery. I usually just wear it in order to change the settings for the right as my right hand is so numb that changing the settings with it gets frustrating. At the present moment this is what I will continue to do. We did discuss very briefly the fact that cochlear implants is still an option if I choose. I previously had discussed with several doctors and did my own thinking and praying, listing of pros and cons on the subject. Right now, I still don’t have a peace about it, but I also feel that it is time to relook at my list, research and pray again about the subject just to refresh my knowledge. It is one of those situations I often wish that there was an easy answer for–but if the answer was easy, where would my faith be?

Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him. For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. ~Isaiah 30:18-21 ESV

That is all I have today…more to come.

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