If you have ever had important medicines where labs are required before you can proceed with anything medical then this post would be like the lab work. Maybe I spent too many hours in doctor appointments yesterday or maybe it is because I have somewhat neglected to keep you all informed of current physical conditions, but to understand yesterday and the current future course of actions then you need to understand the lab work of what has brought me to this point.
So here it is: Part I
I wrote at the beginning of the month about my May MRI/hearing test results, a list of things physically changing in my body and the fact that I had an option for a chemo treatment. Over the course of the month, here is an inside scoop of a few important decisions and observations that lead up to yesterday’s appointments.
First, it was no easy decision about the chemo treatments. Yes, I had an absolute peace that doctor’s appointment, but when I returned home, I was forced to face reality and the fear of the reality that my body is indeed winding down faster than my hopes, I lost sight of the peace that God was in complete control. I felt like this heavy cloud was over me..like the fear that I would make a wrong decision. I was just confused even though I was seeking God with my whole heart.
Do what the Lord bids you, where he bids you, as he bids you, as long as he bids you, and do it at once. —C.H. Spurgeon
Between different songs coming to mind (Michael W. Smith’s “Someday” (Set the Children Free), passages of Scripture (Psalm 90, emphasis verse 12), talking with my parents and the C.H. Spurgeon’s quote, I came to the decision that I would start the chemo treatments. Not implying that God has given me this time to “be sick,” but that I have the time right now to try. I knew deep inside that if I got to the next MRI without at least trying, then I would hold guilt on myself (even though I shouldn’t). I also had to come to realize that this is still something that is purely trial run. The hope is that it stops tumor growth, but it could not work any at all too. Neither myself or my doctors have any control of that.
My decision made, I emailed my doctors and we started communicating about different things. I also told them that I would not want to start anything until after my parents returned from their trip to Colorado. That leads us to this week.
Like any other appointment, I have to evaluate myself and make a list of any new physical changes noticed or questions I may have. Even though I was just at Children’s three weeks ago, I had a list of new physical changes which is a bit saddening, because it means that the something is still going on inside my brain area. Because I won’t have an MRI for another 2 months, I can’t assume tumors are growing but they are obviously putting pressure or something as my body is showing change, especially on the right side.
Changes I have noticed have been complete numbness in my right hand and up my arm. (I will blog more on my right arm later). There has also been an increase of pressure in my neck, so I feel my posture has decreased again even with keeping up with my PT exercises. I also have had an increase of pressure in the lower spine. I can feel it as well as I notice it in the way that I stand and the added pressure on my intestines. My balance seems about the same in normal walking situations but may have a bit more troubles as the most frustrating recent change being losing hearing in my right ear. Usually a few small decibel is not that noticeable, but I just got my hearing aid adjusted two weeks ago and already noticed that I was having a hard time hearing. And even if I did not notice, others had because the first thing a few friends and my doctor pointed out was my voice being strained (I do this when I can’t “hear” myself speak.)
As all this came together, I took my list and my questions to my doctor appointment yesterday. My lab work on my behalf was complete, but I was in for more when I got there…
Continues in Part II.