List of my insufficiencies

Kermit. Miss Piggy. Animal. Rowlf the Dog. Beaker. Fozzy Bear. The Electric Mayhem.  Statler and Waldorf. Rizzo the Rat. The Swedish Chef. (Just to name a few.) If you have ever seen any of the Muppet movies or The Muppet Show episodes, I am sure you can envision the characters, the voices, the humor. And sometimes God uses the strangest Muppet analogies to give me humor in spite of my insufficiencies.

This past weekend, I started my notes of things that need to be discussed with the doctors tomorrow. I see a team of different specialists: my main doctor for the MRI results and treatment plan; a pain team management doctor for the tumors in my hands and the pain in my neck/upper back; a follow-up with my doctor for the blood clot and a few others. It is a long day–early to late in the afternoon with all the evaluations being meticulous, but repetitive. There are the talks of future possibilities, different treatment options available, different steps or things to watch. My brain about half through goes into standby. So I started bringing a list. I do better with lists. I am a note-taker person. It helps me focus and understand or stay awake. 🙂

So this list is all the changes that have occurred in my physical body since my February visit. After my scribbles of a list was finished, I put my pen down and cracked my knuckles. (I know you are not supposed to do this, but it feels good and I figure my fingers are already worse off anyway.) I look at my hands and start to laugh. Out of nowhere I remember my MRI experience from last Thursday. That day, I thought I would take a nap during the scan, but the technician asked if I wanted a movie. I looked at the list anyway and figured I would just watch something fun and that I have seen before so if I fell asleep then it was no big deal. I skim the options fast and choose what I see as “Muppets.” Now assuming this was The Muppet Movie, I get cozy with my arms strapped in and headgear set in place. The movie starts and this is no Muppet beginning…it is Muppets from Space and I think, “Oh boy. I haven’t seen this in forever!” The first fifteen or so minutes, I was breathing so hard through my nose, because it was the only way I could keep from laughing!

I did end up falling asleep during the movie, but I don’t think I would have ever thought of this on my own if I had not watched that particular movie, because unlike the other movies where Kermit and Miss Piggy are the lead characters, this time it was Gonzo and Rizzo the Rat. Gonzo. Classic character. Classic nose.

 http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2902164736/tt0158811

See that nose? If you are wondering how my left ring finger now looks as it continues to curl in–think Gonzo’s nose. It matches. Find the humor in the analogy and laugh. It’s ok, because I already did.

In making my list for the doctors, I found the “head and shoulders, knees and toes” song was the best way to organize my list so I started with my hearing; then my neck and upper back–more pressure and getting hard again to stand up straight or hold up my chin; my arm and hands–besides the “Gonzo nose” finger, my left middle finger has significantly started to curl as well. Whereas my right hand just went completely numb to my elbow making things like holding pens, buttoning my pants, putting in bobby pins, holding cups or texting, holding my toothbrush, tying my shoes, pouring coffee from the pot and typing more of a daunting task than they should be. My bowels still deal with constipation; and my legs/feet are weak. I can hardly get up off the floor or when I bend over to pet Muffy, if I am not holding on to something then I easily loose my balance and occasionally just fall over. Strange though, I have not had any pain spasms–Charlie Horse cramps in the legs–but no pain spasms!

I usually look at my list and I see my life becoming less independent. And if there is one thing in life that would be the hardest to surrender, it is my independence. It was the reason last year that I struggled so hard with moving back home. But where I could only focus on the losing part, God had bigger plans and he has been helping me to see that I can still live fully on my own. I just have a few speed bumps that take a bit slower t0 get over. Yes, there are days when I am completely frustrated at my hands or cry and say, “A 25 year old should not have this problem!” (like not being able to button my pants.) But to see past my insufficiencies helps me to see how blessed I truly am, because I have resources available to help and when the resources can’t, my family can.

Over the past few months, things of this have been changing: I got my own plates, bowls and cups that I can hold better; I have my special silverware and we just ordered more because I constantly use my fork and spoon now as it is. (See utensils here.) We also just ordered a button hook so I can button my pants; coiler elastic shoelaces so I don’t have to worry about tying my shoes or bending over when they come untied; and I bought hairbands so I don’t always have to use bobby pins. If I go clothes shopping, I have to be able to put the outfit on myself or I don’t buy it; I went back to wearing dangling earrings, because most often they don’t need backs so I don’t have to worry about trying to hold the tiny piece of metal; I gave away all but a few cd’s as I came to a peace about losing my hearing; and have been getting really good at finger poking at the keyboard when my hands otherwise are too tired or cramped to type in a normal fashion.

I don’t know what kind of results tomorrow will show or what I will be doing in this next month or the rest 0f the year, but as I gather my list of insufficiencies, I remember that when I can’t…He can.

I think I can’t, I think I can’t
But I think You can, I think You can
I think I can’t, I think I can’t
But I think You can, I think You can
Gather my insufficiencies and
place them in Your hands, place them in Your hands, place them in Your hands

~Relient K, “For the Moments I Feel Faint”

Other resources:

http://www.arthritissupplies.com/good-grips-button-hook.html

http://www.arthritissupplies.com/coilers-elastic-shoelaces.html