December 5, 2013 · 10:37 pm

My own art museum on Etsy

Two weeks ago, I finally went to the Dayton Art Institute. I must admit that my favorite art museum is still the Denver Art Museum, but I found Dayton’s a nice tour. It almost reminded me of the museums in Greece, as there were many pieces of art that were more artifacts than traditional canvas. The tour represented a large amount of world cultures–many in which were new to me (as far as seeing the artwork). I did find the Japanese section interesting as they displayed Samurai armor and spears. It reminded me of our tour earlier this spring at the Biltmore Estate, as Mr. Vanderbilt owned an ancient Samurai armor and spear. Just fascinating.

My favorite section was the Colonial America section. The large oil canvas paintings were a marvel…so much detail and shading. One thing is for certain–I do not paint people. 🙂 Which is why I felt more at home in the 1970’s-modern art section. Walking through the last rooms of this section, I discuss with my friend and her husband how I should find someone to sponsor my paintings and donate them to the museum. Prideful moment, but I felt a few of my past abstract pieces were better than the ones displayed. 😉

I guess I don’t need museum access to display my art. I have a new avenue…

(drumroll if you please!)

Mel is on Etsy!!!

YES!!!! I know, exciting!! [I just ate chocolate in celebration] It should have been finished being set up about two months ago, and I apologize for that but it is finally here. Yay!

 https://www.etsy.com/shop/BrushstrokesbyMel

I have posted what I currently have in the basement. I will be adding a few of my 16″x20″ canvases by early next week. With the Christmas season around the corner, I hope to paint a few small holiday themed paintings this weekend…so be sure to check back next week if you are interested.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement about my paintings thus far; and for those few close friends for your consistent questioning on when my Etsy would be completed, as it finally fueled motivation to my lack-of motivation. 😀

If you visit the Etsy page, feel free to let me know what you think!

More to come…

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December 1, 2013 · 8:54 pm

It’s different this year…

I knew it would be, but I didn’t think it would be so hard. I think it started when thoughts became reality: this would be the first Christmas in which I would hear no music. Earlier this summer when I gave my cd’s away, the facts were there, but not the season. I am glad I gave when I did…but now it is starting to settle in–Christmas in Silence. Oh, believe me, I sing in my head like a 24 hour radio station, but it’s not quite the same.

There is still joy in the start of December. I am just navigating my way around some “lumps of coal:” some ‘differences’ between Christmas present and Christmas pasts.

Eleven years ago, my Christmas season was not so ordinary either. Between my diagnosis on November 18, 2002 to my first major surgery December 18, 2002–I had missed most of school but still completed my assignments, sat for hours in waiting rooms and bright-colored hospital rooms at Denver Children’s in which I met a whole team of doctors that talked to me about everything that I did not even grasp or understand and still tried to do fun seasonal traditions with my youth group and family.

Then I had my surgery. I think my biggest worry was thinking I would not make it home in time for Christmas. Like I said, I did not (at that point) fathom the seriousness of the surgery and its possible effects nor even living the rest of my life with this disease. I cried more about missing school than fearful emotions (nerd, I know.) The day of the surgery, my pastor and his wife joined my parents and myself in the waiting area. They had brought some gifts from their boys and the youth group. One was a stuffed chicken that played music and danced, “The Chicken Dance” song. For some strange reason this was huge for us back then.

At first, it was just us in the room. Then a couple and a with a small boy, maybe aged 4, joined us. Making casual conversation, they told us that the boy’s name was Gabriel. That is all I know, but I can still see his face when we showed him the dancing chicken. It was silent joy of the season. I saw him a few days later when my sister and I went downstairs to do the craft of the day. Gabriel’s dad was pulling him in a red wagon; my sister was pushing me in a wheelchair.

The craft was a folded photo book. They had loads of Christmas stickers and markers. I just used stickers. I still have the little booklet; It holds five of my favorite pictures from that hospital experience. And I was discharged on Christmas Eve.

scan0001 Note: the reindeer antler headband!

Present day–my handwriting is down to minimal use. My few Thanksgiving cards were simple (I liked it that way.) I knew my Christmas cards would have to be too. Wanting a different but fun greeting card to accompany my picture and “<3 Mel” signature, I decided on stickers. I got twelve cards done and noted how it was like a OT exercise to my fingers. I cried because on a card I messed up my signature and smiley face so bad I was going to throw it away. Mom and Dad said I should still send it. It is not about my signature, smiley face or stickers–it is about bringing joy to my family and friends this season. I need to focus my own joy on that aspect as I finish my cards this week.

It’s only December 1st. I don’t think gratitude should be limited to the month of November. I have much to be thankful for even in the different physical circumstances. Not all is different: Already this upcoming weekend, I have fun holiday events that I plan to attend with my family. Christmas movies have captions and I realized that I can still enjoy the Nutcracker ballet even if I don’t hear the music. Ballet is beautiful. Tis the season for a good cup of peppermint mocha, gingerbread cookies and peanut brittle; carolers, classic Christmas novels by the fireplace, and trees decorated with lights and special ornaments; snow, parties with friends or family, and the times of solitude.

It is the season of giving, the most wonderful time of the year, the joy that is ours in remembering the greatest gift of all:

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given;
and the government shall be upon his shoulder,
and his name shall be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6 ESV

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November 27, 2013 · 10:59 am

My Own Book Club

When my sister helped me set my Word Press account, she introduced me to the Widgets that I could apply to my page. Not wanting to overcrowd my page, I just kept to a simple format, but did apply one that linked to Goodreads. Before starting my blog, I had never heard of Goodreads. I have always loved to read, but never thought of recording my books started, finished or under the “want to read” category–let alone write reviews about the book when I did finish. I just did so in my mind. I didn’t consider books as a social activity.

At least not until this year. As I started to read more good books, I started to discuss them. Most of the time it was with Mom, as friends for me were still in Colorado. During the same week as my blood clot surgery, the ladies Bible study that I had signed up to attend had started. Missing only a few times, I got to know these women and respected their godly wisdom as I was the youngest in the group. Today, two of these ladies are now good friends. Age shows no boundaries in friendship. As Spring turned into Summer, I also started to get to know a few people in town. My friends were now more than just acquaintances. I still Skype, email, text and write letters to my dear friends in Colorado and wherever else they may reside, but having friends in the current area has been a joy.

I bring up friends (and I include family members in this too), because like myself, many are avid readers, love the library, and don’t mind if I bring up a few good book title recommendations. I decided books run in my blood line. 🙂 Now, I can’t tell you why I started this year to see books as social activity, but when it first started, I found that when I shared what I considered to be a good read, I enjoyed being able to remember what I read. Sounds funny, I know. But I was never good at reading to remember (unless it is an exceptional read.) This is why I preferred final papers over final tests in school.

Now that the year is nearing its end, I am glad that I have a Goodreads account. I looked back at the books I read this year–some I liked, others not so much; some I bought, some I borrowed, some I gave away when I finished; some I checked out from the library, some I read in a coffee shop, some I finished in the car on a road trip. There are still many to enjoy, which is the point of this blog post: I will now share my year-long secret with you. Actually, it is not really a secret, but it is sort of silly so I never told anyone.

In March, I noticed on Goodreads that there were different polls and book recommendations on the side margins. I noticed one in particular–a reading challenge: how many books are you going to read this year? I didn’t think much on it, thought it would be fun and set my challenge: my 2013 reading challenge. 40 books. I thought that was a good number…not too low, yet not high where I felt it unreachable. I was so serious about it when I first started, then forgot about it all together and hardly read at all during the summer. Something about students returning to campus, the thought of classes and learning and hours of studies in coffee shops got my mind refocused on enjoying book or two. On Monday I was writing a book review on Goodreads and finally checked my number for the challenge, as I was clueless of how many more books I needed in order to make my goal. According to the stats, I have read 39 books…one more to go to reach my challenge. 🙂

The book challenge was never my motive for reading, but it encouraged me to keep reading (at the times when I remembered I even had a goal to reach.) Would I set another challenge for next year? I have thought about it. If I did, I would challenge myself to read a few more than 40–but would keep my number a secret. 😉 But I don’t think numbers are important. It is not about how much I read, but how well I read–what I discover in the text, decipher in my thoughts, and share with others. That is what I consider a good read.

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November 26, 2013 · 10:46 am

From the Inside Out

I was really tempted this morning to come in the kitchen singing a Christmas song or two…after all, I am cozy warm in my extra-large sweatshirt, featuring the Grinch putting the antler on his dog Max.

GrinchAndDoghttp://lh4.ggpht.com/

And we got a blanket of snow last night. Not much, but it covers the ground and the way I figure, it will linger as the temperatures show no sign of much warmth and the sun is nowhere to be found. Snow–just in time for the Thanksgiving holiday travels. It always seems to happen that way. Maybe it is coming from living in Colorado for most of my life, but I would rather have a grey day with snow over just a dull day (though I love rain too.) Snow brightens the grey….have you ever noticed this? It is like nature’s fluorescent lights to the darkness; It is beautiful.

I sit here at the kitchen table, coffee freshly brewed (no grinds today!) and gaze out the kitchen windows towards the trees at the end of the farmer’s property. The bald branches that normally go un-noticed after the leaves fall are now outlined with bold white streaks that reveal how far they stretch. Just a few minutes ago, there were birds bouncing around on the end of the patio–another sign to me that winter is nearing…time to get bird seed! I look forward to watching them take shelter in the butterfly bush outside my window.

I am not sure what these little birds were doing today, but in my mind I thought, “They should be safe,” as I see Muffy sitting in his patio chair on his warm green blanket with his paws tucked in tight under his winter-coated furry belly. I had just fed him anyway. No sooner as I think this, I see a dash of black race across the snow-coated patio; then three birds flutter off in the sky. Snow doesn’t give much camouflage coverage for Muffy’s black fur. I think he felt defeated; he turned around and retraced his tracks in the paw prints he had just made during his dash. In his pathetic cuteness, I couldn’t help but smile at the morning action. He is now back inside his little house, where no doubt it is warm on the inside.

As much as I love different aspects of the winter months, there are others that I am not so fond of–mostly the early darkness, ice and the way my hands quit functioning when they are blistering cold. I would rather view winter from the inside out–where it is light and warm. My morning readings this past week have been through parts of the Old Testament: King Saul, David and Solomon, the Chronicles of the kings and prophets that followed, and the exile/return of the Israelites to Jerusalem. You start to notice a reoccurrence of the major problem in these passages–the attitude, desire and focus of the heart.

From the outside, no one sees the heart physically. But you can see the heart from the inside out. When I think only on the darkness, ice and cold around me (metaphorically speaking), my actions most often reflect my heart: my attitude gets grumpy, my desires turn selfish, and my focus is not on the Lord. But God sends little reminders to remain in His Love; and today it is the snow–it has restarted to fall…not in mass amounts, but one snowflake at a time.

Love of my life, carry me to Your Light

Every breath that I breathe

All of me…

Snow falling light, tumbling down

Soft and white, it’s so clean

Such a sweet rhapsody

All of me

“All of Me.” Performed by B. B. Winans. My Utmost for His Highest. Word Music, 1996.

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November 22, 2013 · 11:59 pm

I’m still here.

This morning was dark, rainy and grey. And the coffee had coffee grinds at the bottom of the pot. I sat at the table just sort 0f staring out the window. Even two cups of coffee wasn’t helping much in getting me awake, not that it works that instant anyway. Mornings are my favorite time of day: my typical routine usually means getting breakfast, than enjoying coffee with my morning readings. But this morning my mind was just wandering. Then I thought of something funny in terms of my cups of coffee and lack of writing blog posts this week–in a name: Cryin’ Bryan Dern.

I can’t speak for my sisters, but if someone asked me what our favorite pastime was while growing up, I would place listening to Adventures in Odyssey as the number one candidate. In the summers, we could spend hours listening to episodes on cassette tape while coloring or doing crafts; Mom would eventually tell us “One more episode then you need to go outside.” During the school year, we would listen to the episodes at 6pm over the radio. It was always when Mom was cooking dinner; when she used the hand mixer (yes, the old-school kind) it would make the radio have bad static (it already did anyway.) Buzzz…”Mom!!!!!!!” Poor Mom–even if it was an episode we had heard before, the static confusion seemed like a traumatic event and would result in this unanimous outcry.

I had a few favorite episodes, but one that stands out in my mind..that I thought of this morning…is titled, “Top This!” In the episode, there are two story lines: Courtney’s cousin comes to Odyssey to visit for a few weeks. The two cousins, who have a history of competition against each other, embark on an unintentional “race” to see who can make the most money in fundraisers for church youth camp. Losing focus on the real reason for the fundraisers, Mr. Allen helps Courtney learn to not focus on her own winning, but being humble towards her cousin and supporting her when she “wins” just by letting her win.

The second story line involves the outspoken radio host, Cryin’ Bryan Dern. The Odyssey 105 is in need of votes in order to save the station. Bryan Dern sets up this gig in which he takes over the studio and turns the Odyssey 105 into a 24-hour Polka station. As soon as the public hears about Dern “taking the Odyssey 105 station hostage,” the votes begin to pour in–even though it is all fake. It is during this time, Dern has some of the best quotes. And I thought of a few this morning that made me laugh.

Over the course of his 95 hours on the air, Dern gives away countless amounts of Polka cd’s while he starts to get annoyed with the music himself. By the end, with his coffee enthusiasm long gone (in his 25th hour on the air, he already had gone with 30 cups of coffee), Dern goes on to have a moment of silence for a caller’s sick hamster named “Binky;” thinks that Polka music needs something–like, words; and eventually gives up the whole gig altogether when he can no longer think or see straight. I am not as crazy as Dern, but for some odd reason, his question over the air in his final hours– “Whaddaya wanna do?”–somewhat reflected how I felt this week about writing blog posts.

It is not that I’ve had nothing–my week was full of typical tasks that most often I overdid myself. It is as if this “normal routine,” without any doctor appointments or major health slides, has left me with a sense of urgency: to do it all, before anything comes up again. In reality, that attitude will only last me like Bryan Dern’s 95 hours on the air, because there is no foundation if I stand on my own.

“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” ~Proverbs 19:21 ESV

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November 15, 2013 · 9:28 pm

Praise in the Assembly

I recently stumbled across a current documentary on Hulu called, “Behind the Mask.” The series is about team mascots. It follows four guys who come from diverse levels of mascot experience and also their personal lifestyles:

Michael is in high school at Lebanon, PA. Outside academics, he is “Rooty the Cedar Tree.” He uses Rooty to support and bring school spirit for everyone…even the less attended sport events, such as the bowling team.

Jon…nicknamed Jersey–attends the University of Nevada at Las Vegas. He got a scholarship to be the school’s mascot, “Hey Reb.” UNLV is a huge deal in Nevada. Hey Reb’s role is to ensure that the college atmosphere at the games is kept alive.

Chad is the mascot for a minor hockey league team. In outfit, he goes by “Tux” (the Penguin.) Chad hopes to work his way into pro-hockey mascoting. Mascots are not allowed to speak (or not supposed to anyway); Chad found a way for Tux to make squeaky noises. When he visits children’s classrooms on his side job, Tux and his squeaks are sometimes appreciated more than they are at the hockey games…it’s cute. 🙂

Finally, there is Kevin. He is Bango, the official team mascot for the NBA Milwaukee Bucks. He does some of the craziest stunt and dunks during half time shows that I have ever seen! He sometimes includes his children for holding signs to get the crowd cheering–these little bucks in costume sure win the crowd. Every mascot has the chance for injury, but personally, I think Kevin has the most chances…but it never stops him from doing the next crazy idea.

Watching this series has been interesting, mostly because I don’t pay attention to cheerleaders or mascots when attending games; I find them more annoying or a distraction rather than a crowd spirit. Proof, it was only last week that I learned “Who Dey” was the mascot for the Cincinnati Bengals. I was tired of seeing this around (what I considered a slogan), and so I used Google to find out the meaning. Yeah, I felt pretty silly. 🙂

At the end of my high school years, a guy from my class started to be our school mascot. Up until that point, we didn’t use one. I mean, after all, we were the “Pirates”–miles from actual bodies of water mass, thus, living in the sea of potato and barley fields. I always got a laugh out of that aspect. Regardless, I am not sure if our mascot officially livened our school spirit at sport events, but think he did a great job helping the crowd get into the cheers when otherwise we just sat there (yes, guilty.)

In college, we were Cougars. Being a small university, the biggest events were women and men’s basketball games. I attended both, because I had a roommate on the women’s team; everyone attends the guy’s games. The only time I saw our mascot was at the basketball games, in which the biggest stunt performed was running half way across the court, and then sliding over the other half. It was a funny sight to see–I have pictures. I never played anything more than intramural football, but I loved the sport events. My freshman year, I had roommates who played for the women’s soccer team and my sophomore year, I had roommates who played for the volleyball team; my junior year, my direct roommate was on the ladies tennis team. I tried to attended as many of their games as well–even if I felt like I was cheering alone. I was like a “mascot” for our room every year–the only non-athletic one, but I could cheer and take pictures which I enjoyed!

In the mornings, I often read a few Psalms. I find them encouraging and a great reminder to start my day with praise even when I don’t have the energy or mind-set. They are not a “mascot;” God surely doesn’t need those, nor cheerleaders. But the psalmist often write that they will proclaim God’s name, steadfast love, and goodness in or to the assembly. They never wore a mask, but sometimes their meditation was all night long…in solitude and remembrance. At other times, they were not quiet about their love for the Lord. They didn’t just say it–they shouted it, made music and even in their times of mourning…they made known that God was their strength and salvation.

I find when I am around other individuals who live in this way–proclaiming God’s faithfulness, steadfast love and goodness both through the good and bad times–whether in speech or just living their lives in testimony of it, that it becomes a contagious attitude. It reminds me to keep my focus on doing the same.

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November 14, 2013 · 8:10 pm

My Father’s House

Last night I was finger-poking a few emails at the kitchen table. Mom was gone and Dad had gone out back to his workshop. I was not surprised to hear his footsteps come in a while later, but was caught off guard by his excited bounding around the kitchen entry way and motioning me to follow him with a big smile on his face. Doing my best to make haste in following him towards the garage door without falling, I still am clueless as to what is going on or what I should be expecting to see.

Dad motions to go down the garage stairs and then does so himself. As he nears the bottom, I start to make my first step and grab the railings out of instinct. “OH WOW!!!”, I blurt out as I look at Dad who is all smiles at the bottom of the stairs. I look back at the new railings (attached to the old ones which are just huge wooden, flat beams). The new smaller, circular handle railings were perfect! Fixing the railings on these stairs has been on the top of my OT list, as for starters…I am serious I have “stairophobia”: my own terminology for, “Mel is afraid of falling down the stairs.” I even freak out on curbs. Going up is not a problem…just down. So the garage stairs ending in concrete…I just loathed.

Back in high school or college, if you asked me where I saw myself in five or ten years, you would never have heard an answer such as, “I can see myself  being a disabled and unemployed single adult living with my parents.” I also don’t think I would have ever mentioned living in the Midwest, painting or writing a blog either. Everything I said (because I know I did have the dreams like being married and having a high status corporate job) or would have said–would definitely been the extreme opposite of what I live today. I still have dreams and hopes for the future–they are now just different…and it has been a long road of acceptance to finally realize that home is where I need to be.

After my first DVT, I moved back in with my parents: and I was NOT co0l with the situation. I tried everything to help my helpless case but to no avail. After a few months, I decided that if this was going to be “home” until I bounced back on my feet, then I had t0 make my room as “my room.” We got my bed in and Mom helped me arrange so I had a bookshelf. It felt more cozy and life went on…about the time I have a few good possible apartments to tour, my second DVT hits. It all went down from there. It wasn’t until June of this year that I talked with my Dad: “I guess I should stop apartment hunting, huh?” One look from him confirmed my answer and somehow that is when full acceptance of “living at home” settled in…and I had a peace about the situation.

The typhoon that recently struck the Philippines, leaving horrific conditions and deaths, has been on my mind and in my prayers for those it has affected…for those who lost everything that was considered “home.” My heart goes out to them and it has caused me to see, yet again, the many blessings that flow into my life each day. I have never experienced a typhoon or hurricane, flood, fire, earthquake, robbery or forced to leave my home. The most I deal with is the privacy boundary line between my parents and myself–but to scale of the others, it seems so small.

As I made my decision about no more chemo and putting the AFO braces on hold, I mentioned to my Mom that I just wanted to live with no extraness until that was no longer possible (i.e. when I really can’t drive on my own, need OT help in getting a shower or having to use a wheelchair.) As I continued to talk, I got some tears, but was not sad. They were reaffirming tears: My physical body is temporary, just like this home in which I live…it will one day be made new. I have accepted that just as I accepted the fact I know live with my parents. The future is unstable–ask me where I see myself in five or ten years and I think you would just get a blank stare. I don’t know my future plans, but I know where I am headed–where my real home is…and that gives me hope. Yet another reason to have a heart filled with thankfulness.

Don’t get lost in despair; believe in God, and keep on believing in Me. My Father’s home is designed to accommodate all of you. If there were not room for everyone, I would have told you that. I am going to make arrangements for your arrival. I will be there to greet you personally and welcome you home, where we will be together. You know where I am going and how to get there.

John 14:1-4 (The Voice)

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November 12, 2013 · 5:29 pm

White like Snow

Last night we got our first snowfall. Can’t say for sure, but the random little storm may have caused my weird nights sleep–or the fact I was just awake at 7:15 am, when yesterday I could hardly get out of bed by 11am. Strange. Regardless, waking up to white was a pleasant change. It was beautiful. I sat on the end of my bed and stared out the window. The sky was mesh with pinks, the green grass was covered in white and the butterfly bush held icicles. Actually, the individual stems with the remaining flowers and leaves resembled caterpillars, which made me smile. I love imagination. 🙂

As I ate breakfast, I thought about the color white. I decided it is like the color black…no different hues in definition, just the one. I guess that makes them unique. Like us–there is just one, no one has or will be like me or like you. We are unique–fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14a). And it makes life beautiful.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

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November 9, 2013 · 6:08 pm

I am commanded…

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Colossians 3:12-14 ESV

After sitting in the car, waiting rooms or doctor appointments (not to mention almost three hours in the MRI machine), my attempts to write a few emails Thursday evening were fatal as I was so cold, I just couldn’t function–namely my hands. I heated the scarf my aunt gave me (it is designed that way…therapeutic), got cozy, put on my slippers, made some tea and sat down to watch the movie– The Second Chance. It has been a long time since I have watched the movie; and I only thought of it, because my friend and I had brought it up during our coffee chat a few weeks ago.

The movie is set in America–typical big city where you have the “rich” side of town and then the other. In this case, the story is themed over the church–on the rich side, it is The Rock. However, their roots started at the sister church on the poor side of town. “The Second Chance” church serves the community in that part of town. The movie encircles faith in action…0n the common ground: getting out of your comfort zone; laying down pride; living by faith; serving, loving, forgiving.

I am not going to spoil the movie, but I will say that Pastor Jake’s ending less-than-five-minutes speech is one of the best sermons I have ever heard. It is profound and so truthful. In light of the movie’s events, he reminds his congregation that they are commanded to love their enemies, even in the face of injustice.

Jesus said to love our enemies and pray for them (Matthew 5:43-48). I don’t have enemies (not to my knowledge), but in terms, there are certain individuals both in my past and a few in the present in which I hold bitter thoughts towards. In loving my enemies, I am also commanded to forgive my enemies; and although I do not see them as “enemies,” the fact I am bitter towards them sort of implies enemy status. Those in my past, I have no contact with anymore; the forgiveness is now between me and the Lord.

The present bitterness is caused by the feeling of injustice; I feel robbed of time over the past few months mainly in the area of driving. The lack of trust and inconsistency of “concerns” resulting in a long period of waiting caused me to become angry. I felt angry for my family–the extra burden it placed on them during that time. And just when I can drive, my car goes in the shop for a week; why didn’t I just take it over (three minutes down the road) when I was not dependent on it? So I am angry at myself for being too nice–for trying too hard to not “do anything wrong.”

The question is then, “How long do I wish to remain angry? Bitter?” It will only keep me in the past, which is where I don’t want to be anyway. Forgiveness is hard; like prayer, it is easier to mouth than mean it sincerely in your heart. It may not be a drastic change overnight, but the choice is mine: will I love, pray and forgive my enemies–just as God in Christ did for me? (Ephesians 4:32)

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November 8, 2013 · 10:51 pm

Live for Today

This morning I got to sleep in without a guilty conscience. I still woke at 9am out of habit, but I just rolled over and went right back to sleep for another hour. I have had things on my list to get done but at the moment, I permitted myself the extra rest. I woke up the second time thinking it was a great morning, because it was.

See, I had no forced reason to get out of bed at 9am. I don’t have to watch the time or record my times in which I take chemo. No more labs, no more excess of orange juice in the refrigerator, no more syringes. In other words: I ended the Sirolimus chemotherapy. Yesterday. Finished–almost five months. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” I started chemo in July in blind faith; I am ending it in the same.

This may not make sense to you; it may seem either that I have given up on treatments or that I am turning into a rebel. Neither is the case, but I have come to some decisions about my health, what I am currently doing as far as treatments and appointments and most important–what I want to be doing while I am still able to on my own.

My MRI results showed stable, or “no changes” that they can decipher. This is always a sigh of relief. However, this time it was a tad aggravating–if the results are stable then what on earth is going on that we cannot see? I suggested that they start putting some of the research funds/efforts towards a 3-D MRI machine. Maybe I am too much a Star Wars fan, but I think that would be awesome and more helpful in these situations as then we could see the tumors closer and at different angles.

So if my MRI was stable, then why did I end chemo? It is no surprise to my family (nor my doctor either.) I knew I would be ending chemo at the last appointment on October 22nd; the timing was not right for the discussion as well as I had decided to go the full two months again and wanted the MRI anyway, regardless of the results. I also see now the new lessons of faith that went hand in hand with the physical changes that have occurred since our trip to Wisconsin. These have shaped the path of where I stand now in my decisions and trust in God.

I ended chemo, because there comes a point in time where you ask, “Is this benefitting me?” I know you can’t ask this for all situations but I did in this case. The chemo may or may not have been keeping them tumors stable, but because the side effects in my body have increased at a fast rate, I don’t think tumor size is the issue…more what we cannot see, in which I did not see chemo helping. It actually was starting to frustrate me more than anything. I see this also with my AFO braces. I know–I just blogged my “I am a champion” post, but again, it was pre-Wisconsin days.

I know my body is fading; I have excepted that fact through much tears and a broken spirit. After Wisconsin, I just gave up on life. I saw no hope. As that week ended and I restarted my times of reading the Word, I kept returning to His burning question: “Do you trust me?” Trust. It is what I desire most from my doctors, family and myself that I know my body: I am the one living with the disease, experience the changes, and know when I need different. If I desire that in my own life, how much more God desires it from me: He created my body, died and rose again so my temporary pain would become eternal life, and meets my needs so that I can continue to live. And that is why I made some decisions: I am done dwelling on the past and trying to fix the future. I just want to live to the fullest in the present.

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. ~Psalm 16:11

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Filed under Adjusting to NF2, Hospital Trips