Grace & Mercy

Dictated to a friend on August 18, 2015

Two weekends ago, I started to experience change in my body which is now probably something that’s gonna be more of a normal situation. My evening bed pans keep me going every hour and are somewhat of a nightmare. When I get out for the morning, and get in my wheelchair, I can’t tell you if the day is gonna be a good one for my intestines where I actually feel normal, or if it’s gonna be one in which all day I feel extremely sick. On this particular weekend, I was having quite the time. I was all by myself, as Mom and Dad had gone to Cleveland for a fun weekend of being just grandparents and my sister, otherwise, was at work. Friday wasn’t too bad, but it was Saturday that really got me down. I was so hot and stuck in my room with nothing to do. I don’t have any OT or PT on Saturdays, so the only thing for exercise that I was getting was the up and downs to the potty chair and I requested some help getting the playdough on the table so I can do something with my hands. The thing is, I was having a hard time with how long it was taking just to get transferred to use the bathroom and the lack of the communication objects. By the end of the night, I was so frustrated, I was really cranky. It didn’t help any that earlier that day I had spilt my morning coffee with my medicine two times, and then I blurted out that I had stupid hands. In my prayers otherwise that day, I sort of vented to God and told Him that I still thought it was unfair that I had had to sit alone in whiteness while everyone else was enjoying the day.

It was only a few days before Mom and Dad left for Cleveland that I was doing some self check on myself and my attitude using the fruits of the Spirit. I knew that patience was one of the big ones that I could be working on, because as much as my body is changing, so are things around here with people leaving with new jobs and new aides coming in. It can get really frustrating to always have to express my needs, but that is where part of the communication comes in. I had also been thinking about the verse that Paul writes in Philippians 4:8, about whatever is true, noble, right and true, and of good report and how I should think on these things. I had already told Mom that my intestines were becoming somewhat of an obsession in my mind, and I felt bad when they came in that right from the start of the conversation I would explain my new woes and the little time to listen to their day. I wanted to change this. So on Sunday night when Mom and Dad came back from Cleveland, I was still having a really hard time with the timingness of bathroom and communication objects. But instead of telling my woes first, I decided not to say anything. I enjoyed hearing about their time with my nephew, Landon, and laughter brightened my spirit. When Mom did ask how my weekend went, I was honest but kept it short. Monday seemed to go a little better, but again by evening I was having a really hard time. Even though I was really late in the evening, I had the nurse call my dad to come in so I could talk to him. Through his wisdom and guidance, over the next few days I talked with some head nurses about the timing of the bathroom, some sanitary issues and the use of my communication objects. I was also able to talk very kindly with some of the new aides, and things have been going much better. The thing I’m noticing is that it will never be perfect around here. As hard as everyone tries, my body is just going to clash; I can’t explain the changes of why I freak out sometimes because of the way I spin, even though I am sitting still. I can’t explain why one day I eat fine, then the next day have to tell myself how to swallow even mashed potatoes. And the one I really can’t explain is my intestines, but I think that’s all part of the new normal.

However, it’s through these things that I am seeing that there is a lot of grace and mercy extended towards me. Even in the toughest days, I still don’t understand why these people like to clean up after me and all my messes. There’s also been a lot of unexpected surprises. Mom came once with a Subway sandwich with an avocado: it was so delicious. Another day, a lady from the dining hall got me a caramel iced coffee from McDonald’s. After that, an aide stayed extra long one night just to help me with my shower. The next day she helped again, just to help me get in bed. There are other ones where after I feel sick after lunch, they’ll still help me with brushing my teeth, putting lotion on my face, and popping in two pieces of gum the way I like it before they leave. And just today, a nurse told me she brought me more coffee because they know in the morning I need a solid cup. All this kindness has helped me to see that shaking my attitude with the fruits is really something that’s important no matter how hard the days may get. Because even when I’m apologizing for my crankies, it helps lift my spirit. I also see through these experiences of kindness extended to me that the greatest grace and mercy has already been extended to me as well. Jesus did everything just to be with me and I still will never understand why He came down to earth just to love people in their sins and then die for them so that that way one day we could be with Him forever. It is only because He lives that my heart, although it is becoming beating faster, because of changes in my body and medicines, that I am still breathing, too.

Spoken For by Mercy Me

Take this world from me
I don’t need it anymore
I am finally free
My heart is spoken for

Oh and I praise You
Oh and I worship You

Covered by Your love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear You say, “This one’s mine”
My heart is spoken for

Now I have a peace
I’ve never known before
I find myself complete
My heart is spoken for

Oh and I praise You
Oh and I worship You

Covered by Your love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear You say, “This one’s mine”
My heart is spoken for

By the power of the cross
You’ve taken what was lost
And made it fully Yours
And I have been redeemed
By You who spoke to me
Now I am spoken for

Covered by Your love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear You say, “This one’s mine”
My heart is spoken for, yeah

Covered by Your love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear You say, “This one’s mine”
My heart is spoken for

Take this world from me
I don’t need it anymore

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “Grace & Mercy

  1. Catherine Aviles

    Miss our times together now that I am back to work. Hope to see you in the future for a visit. Praying for you! Love and hugs!

  2. Liz Garthly

    Kindness…a lesson well learned. So many times I just want to give up with a situation, but as we take it to the Lord and actually give him the problem He in turn helps us to change our reaction to the situation and helps us to be more like him…kinder and more gentle, giving those around us a witness of our Lord and Savior. I continue to pray for you my sweet friend.

  3. Beautiful … So beautiful. Thank you for your heart-felt words witnessing to God’s presence and gifts. What a strong testimony …

  4. Danielle Cowles

    Thank you for this post! I have been struggling with my own patience and my own fruits of the spirit! Thank you for reminding me, to actively try to turn around my attitude and also to rely on God that while things may not be perfect or even change I can make the best of a bad day, a bad situation, or a bad week! Thanks and prayers for you!

  5. In our struggles how wonderful the mercy and Grace! Thanks

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