Dictated to Mom on July 27th, 2015
I worked for three summers during my time home between college semesters at the local flower shop in town. The first summer, I started out as a delivery girl, helped maintain order in the shop and cleaned lots of flower buckets. Also, I successfully learned how to tie a balloon – thanks to my Dad who showed me how to do it. I was like a kid learning how to tie a shoe, but I wasn’t very successful inflating the balloons. Over the next two summers, I gained more responsibilities. I made fewer deliveries and did more to maintain of the store. I learned how to make some flower arrangements for the display case, cleaned the buckets and ran the cash register. My hearing had already gone down, I couldn’t answer the telephone, but I took orders when people came in as I was able to read lips fluently, and helped them fill out their cards to go along with the arrangements. We changed the cards to match the different holidays, but there was one that we always kept out. It was titled “Just Because”.
Over the past weekend, we had a really hard time. I was all by myself and I seemed to have hit another low. At the end of Saturday night, I thought of “Just Because”. As I got into bed that night, I tried to look at things a little differently. If you want to hear it straight out, I‘ll tell you . . . I’ve been a bit frustrated . . . I’m sick of bed pans . . . I’m sick of my eye feeling numb . . . I’m sick of having a hard time chewing and swallowing . . . and even now have been starting to choke on water. Over the past week, my hands and feet, have increased numbness. I won’t even begin to describe the problems with my intestines. I guess the biggest annoyance right now is when I eat, I get food all over my face and my bib. I guess all in all, I’m tired of feeling like a kid.
On Saturday, as I sat crying into Teddy, I started thinking about being home with the way things used to be. When walking had become more difficult, Dad and Mom would help me down the garage stairs into the car. Dad would often hold my left arm and Mom would hold onto my right arm . . . much like parents helping their toddler with their first steps. It never bugged me because they were my parents, but facing it here in the nursing home is a little different.
Jesus told his disciples and the multitudes of people to “have faith like a child.” On Saturday, as I cried to God, I did feel like a child because I told him once again that I didn’t think it was “fair”.
I’m still trying to see that even in this “routine-ness” of how I now live, that my life still has worth. One of my favorite hymns is called “Because He Lives” I sing it almost everyday. On Saturday night, it came back to mind. I can get so frustrated at just the stillness and stiffness of the day when I get into bed. I wake up the next morning and grumble, “Here we go again!” But like the hymn says, “Life is worth the living, just because HE LIVES!”
The next day on that Sunday, I did wake up and things were different. It was probably just more of my attitude, but I am still trying to have that simple faith of a child.
God sent His son, they called Him, Jesus;
He came to love, heal and forgive;
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives!
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!
How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives;
But greater still the calm assurance:
This child can face uncertain days because He Lives!
And then one day, I’ll cross the river,
I’ll fight life’s final war with pain;
And then, as death gives way to vict’ry,
I’ll see the lights of glory and I’ll know He lives!
Lyrics by Bill Gaither