Dictated to a friend on August 18, 2015
I am finding that there are a lot of things that I am forgetting. Growing up, Mom had a notepad with Winnie the Pooh sitting on an empty honey jar with one paw extended across his red shirt and with the other paw on his head. The caption said, “Sometimes when I think, I forget.” Typical cuteness of Winnie The Pooh, but I’m finding it’s somewhat true for myself. I can’t remember what it’s like to get out of bed by myself, use the bathroom by myself, or even brush my teeth standing up at the sink. I can’t remember what it’s like to take a normal shower, look in the mirror, or do my makeup or even get dressed by myself. I also can’t remember what it’s like to eat normal, let alone see my food. I can’t remember what it’s like to take a drink without using a straw, or even what it’s like just to stand on my own two feet without holding onto something or having my PT have her arm around me as we walk the hall. My brain is forgetting a lot of things, and sometimes in my sadness I start to think even deeper about things that I can’t do anymore, like make my bed or do the dishes or even hold a pen and write a normal letter. I also think about the places that I can never go and see anymore, especially with the people like friends and family, and above all, I’m forgetting color.
It was during one of these times that my thinking was also in a state of extreme boredom. You would not believe some of the things that I think of. I try to keep my mind focused on friends and family and pray for their current needs that I am aware of, but there are some days when that plan is out the window. I can start to think of all the things that I want to see, so I go on driving tours in my head. I’ll go around town, go back to the house, I can still see Muffy in my mom’s garden, and some of the other places around that I’ve been to. Somewhere around the way I’ll end up back in Denver. Maybe with school starting I’ve been thinking a lot about CCU and the apartments that I lived in afterwards, the Target where I worked at at the mall, and some of the adventures that I had with my lady friend in Littleton. Then I’ll end up back in Monte Vista and go through all the things there where we grew up seeing different things such as my favorite mining town in the mountains.
It was in one of these driving tours that all of a sudden my mind just kept going! The more that I sat thinking, the more I traveled the states and realized how much I already have done. Places I have gone and people I have seen before my time here. I even went on a Make-A-Wish cruise and went to Greece! I’ve seen and experienced a lot of things, and I told my mom that the more I realized what I will no longer see, I can be thankful for what I have seen in the past. That doesn’t mean to say that boredom doesn’t still hit: just the other day I waited until late evening for my family and relatives to come visit. I was so bored I actually went through all the Narnia movies in my mind from start to finish. Then I wrote all my e-mails that have been waiting to be written and even made up a short story just for the fun of it. There were some things, though, that make me sad. I’ll never see my little nephew as he grows up, or the other boys that I’m “Auntie Mel” to. I’m also having a hard time seeing [in my mind] people’s faces in general, and I am finding the more that I force myself to try to see their faces from old pictures [from memory] from my prayer journal, the more I’m forgetting. It might seem strange to pray for things such as seeing people or even color. I pray for my needs and it’s not that I need to see it or that I necessarily have to, but I know that God is slowly answering that prayer. I’ve seen some faces in my dreams and color comes here and there. Since I have been seeing white for so long, when I see color I get really excited and I know that I may not ever see full color here on earth, but when I do see color, I anticipate it to be the most beautiful thing ever seen. For now, I will try not to focus on the things forgotten, but remember the goodness lived and still the many memories yet to come.
Verse one of Testify To Love by Avalon
All the colors of the rainbow
All the voices of the wind
Every dream that reaches out
That reaches out to find where love begins
Every word of every story
Every star in every sky
Every corner of creation
Lives to testify