I am testing it with this post. 🙂
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“Awaiting a Cup of Coffee” and other ramblings…
It’s like waiting for a cup of coffee.
And while I feel like I sit around waiting for the brew button to shut off, I am finding that the cup of coffee comes with preparation. I wake in the morning and come to the kitchen. Lights turn on and the cupboard to the stash opens. I place in the filter and measure the fine grind coffee, often adding an extra pinch for a strong cup. I add water, push the start button and watch the coffee begin. The smell enters my nose. I get excited as I pull out a mug, the creamers, the spoon to stir. Then I wait.
Most days, I feel like I too am just sitting around waiting for the signal to turn off so I can grab my cup and go. Do something meaningful, something big. But God is showing me that while I wait for His timing on a job, there is work to do. There is preparation. I need to let go of my expectations, impatience, doubts that form in my limitations.
Then it happened. This morning the light came on and the door to my heart opened. I filtered my thoughts and measured the cost of saying “Yes, I will wait for the Lord.” I added in His promises and watched the day begin. And in seeking Him, the sweet aroma of peace started to fill my body.
And I wait.
Psalm 40:1-5, 16-17 ESV
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.
I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.
Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not turn to the proud, to those who go astray after a lie! You have multiplied, O Lord my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us; none can compare with you! I will proclaim and tell of them, yet they are more than can be told…
But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation say continually, “Great is the Lord!” As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God!
Filed under Adjusting to NF2, Paintings, Random, Uncategorized
Painting thru Psalm 19
Psalm 19
For the worship leader. A song of David.
The celestial realms announce God’s glory; the skies testify of His hands’ great work. Each day pours out more of their sayings; each night, more to hear and more to learn. Inaudible words are their manner of speech, and silence, their means to convey. Yet from here to the ends of the earth, their voices have gone out; the whole world can hear what they say.
Silver Moonlight. 8×10
God stretched out in these heavens a tent for the sun; And the sun is like a groom who, after leaving his room, arrives at the wedding in splendor; He is the strong runner who, favored to win in his race, is eager to face his challenge. He rises at one end of the skies and runs in an arc overhead; nothing can hide from his heat, from the swelter of his daily tread.
Morning Light Praises. 10×10
The Eternal’s law is perfect, turning lives around. His words are reliable and true, instilling wisdom to open minds. The Eternal’s directions are correct, giving satisfaction to the heart. God’s commandments are clear, lending clarity to the eyes. The awe of the Eternal is clean, sustaining for all of eternity. The Eternal’s decisions are sound; they are right through and through. They are worth more than gold—even more than abundant, pure gold. They are sweeter to the tongue than honey or the drippings of the honeycomb.
Ripples on the Ocean Floor. 12×12
In addition to all that has been said, Your servant will find, hidden in Your commandments, both a strong warning and a great reward for keeping them. Who could possibly know all that he has done wrong? Forgive my hidden and unknown faults. As I am Your servant, protect me from my bent toward pride, and keep sin from ruling my life. If You do this, I will be without blame, innocent of the great breach.
Untitled. 8×10
May the words that come out of my mouth and the musings of my heart meet with Your gracious approval, O Eternal, my Rock, O Eternal, my Redeemer.
Filed under Paintings, Random, Uncategorized
Two Ways to Exercise
This morning, my exercise routine was vastly different from what I participated in on Saturday morning: this morning was the gym; Saturday was a two-mile Fun Walk through Xenia to support the Miami Valley Women’s Center. Two ways to exercise–two ways to view life.
I have taken up exercising at the gym here in town. It’s indoor track is smooth with lanes so I can practice walking in a straighter line than what I do on the bike path. There is too much freedom on the bike path; I wobble uncontrollably all over the path. It is not only is frustrating for myself, but I am sure for the bikers or rollerbladers who are coming up behind me, ready to fly past. Thus, I can, but I resolved not to, walk the bike path alone.
And even when I do walk the bike path with someone, I take my walking sticks that I termed, “rod and staff” (Psalm 23:4). Who would have known that these trusty metal sticks would be the extra pair of legs that I need most often when I walk outdoors? They traveled all throughout Greece, hiked mountains in Colorado and now trod flat bike paths, occasional treks through our 3-acres of grass in the early morning or through town on the rough terrain otherwise known as the sidewalk. You can see why I have decided to take up the gym…it is conveniently safe, air-conditioned, and a time of socialness with the senior citizens of town.
At the gym, I usually walk around the indoor track–maybe a half mile or so–then use the stationary bike. It is like multitasking. I bike and read at the same time! In fact, I think I get more exercise this way, because I get lost in my book that I forget to check how long or how many miles I have been pedaling. I have also taken to the bike, because my left leg is now numb. Not that it affects anything other than just feeling like “muscle stiffness,” but being on the bike gives my ankles a rest: It gives my right ankle a rest from twisting and it gives my left leg a rest from taking the weight that the right ankle should carry on its own. The bike gives my back a rest from the “S” posture that the tumors are causing; and it gives my neck a break from tirelessly trying to hold itself in an upright position. When I bike, I rest.
Contrast to Saturday. It was hot, humid and threatening to rain. I was up early so I could eat a solid breakfast and grab a cup of coffee before heading out. I made sure I had everything (like my own little First Aid kit)–rod and staff, an apple, a SoBe Life water, my baseball hat, band aids, my registration papers and pledge money, and a tiny wallet with medical information papers/driver’s license. All checked and ready to go! I get to the Women’s Center in plenty of time to park, get in and out of the registration before lines start piling up and grab a cup of orange juice while making casual conversation with the volunteer at the table. I was excited. I had only ever been on committees to coordinate events like this or volunteered otherwise at the big 5k events.
I did not know what to expect really. All I knew is that I was determined to walk the full two miles. That might sound ridiculous (it is only two miles!), but considering two nights prior I could hardly walk a mile on the bike path with my parents as my neck was causing me so much strain, standing upright hurt to almost breathe…I literally strained everything on my rod and staff to make it back to the car. Good workout and I fell asleep fast that night when I got in bed, but I quickly reminded myself that there was a reason why I exercised in the morning rather than the evening: my body has more energy, better posture, better mental determination. I have to admit, I like being a morning person. 🙂
I get nervous when I walk around a crowd with my rod and staff. They help me maintain my balance, but they sometimes cause problems. Luckily, I did not trip anyone as we got started, but I did accidentally hit a lady’s ankle from behind…must have felt like a shopping cart hitting your ankle sort of feeling. I felt horrible. She did not turn around but I called out a sincere apology anyway. We get going around the first block and my mind is already thinking that they are going to take us to the bike path and then we follow a trail there and then turn and come back. I mean, after all, with all these kids and baby carriages that would be the safest route.
Nope. We end up trekking through the busiest streets of town on the roughest sidewalks–past McDonald’s, Taco Bell and Wendy’s drive-thru intersections and more. This was NOT what I was expecting. We get about a mile down and I am walking by myself, which I enjoyed. The “trail” was only marked by little signs that had arrows, but I could see the walkers in front of me by a few hundred feet so I was not lagging too far behind. A small family caught up with me by the time I rounded the main intersection in town. We exchanged a few words and they continued on after I stopped to use the restroom.
When I came out, there was a large group of families with baby strollers making their way back so I joined, but found myself feeling like my rod and staff and wavering balance were getting in the way so I passed and walked a bit quicker to the next light where I ended up having to wait to cross the street. A different group caught up with me at this point and when the light said we could go, I was in the front. I started to feel pressure–I am not claustrophobic but when people follow me, I feel their eyes watching my ankles and I get nervous…which I am sure is all just in my head, but as I get up to the next curb not only do I feel this nervousness, but also the sidewalk is now slanted to the right (Why? I have no clue!) I tried to regain my balance as I felt myself starting to shift downwards but ended up landing gracefully in the bush instead. I tried to get myself up, but was having a hard time with my rod and staff flying in different directions and the slanted sidewalk. I feel a hand grasp my left elbow which helps me get up. I give a big thanks then add, “At least I fell in the bush”–while thinking it was genius that I had packed those band aids just in case I had a worse fall.
The last quarter-mile was this uphill, slanted, cracked sidewalk journey that made me start to wish that I was just done. That is when I decided to think of other things. I thought of how some days in life seemed like this walk–full of dangers at the intersections, rough terrains, heat and sweat like trials and tears–not like my safe, air-conditioned gym. I don’t know why the two miles caused my body to react all weekend in the way that it did, but I do know that crossing the finish line seemed victorious; my apple on the way home seemed sweeter; my Saturday afternoon of reading with my feet propped up seemed more relaxing; and my nap yesterday afternoon was a deep satisfying sleep.
I will still exercise in the gym, but I now have a greater appreciation for what it provides. Just as in life–there will be pain, but it will give me a greater appreciation for the days I have been given rest; there will be tears, but it will give me a greater appreciation for the days I have been given joy; there will be days when I fall down, but it will give me a greater appreciation for when I have been given the grace to stand back up on my feet.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:7-9)
Filed under Adjusting to NF2, Random, Uncategorized
Let’s Face the Facts
It may not be typical of most first graders, but I found out early on what subjects in school I preferred over others. Story time was the highlight of my day; I never understood the “gate” method in tallying five points; phonics became boring; and science was rough, because once in an experiment in which we were blindfolded, our partner had to give us something to taste. We were to tell by taste (not sight) what the food was and which area of the taste buds it affected. My friend Kym gave me a nice spoonful of dry coffee. I guess it was paybacks for giving her lemon juice when she told me that is not what she wanted to taste. (We could preview our options before being blindfolded.)
Yep, first grade was a year of exploration and I learned that writing was my favorite. In my mind, I excelled at it: perfect spelling, thought sequence and transition sentences and narrative form. I took great pride in all my writing projects. This particular example was no exception.
Our class was having a Mother’s Day party where all Moms and Grandmas were invited to attend. Our teacher gave us this special assignment: We were to write a letter to our Mom and then share it in front of the class. I remember Mom sitting in the crowd smiling at me. With trembling hands, I began to read my letter–
I think I could have excelled at poetry if I had given some effort into the subject. And while I remember hearing a few chuckles in the crowd (innocent ones I am sure), Mom was smiling and gave me a big hug and kiss when I sat down.
Mom, I can’t honestly say that I know how you managed to keep a smile and not laugh, but I think we can just face the facts: You’re pretty “supper!”
Happy Mother’s Day!
Filed under Family Times, Funny Stories, Random, Uncategorized
In the Kitchen
I think my sister was right: “It is so weird to see you put black olives on your sandwich.” We were at Subway and I was loading my turkey melt with veggies (might I add avocado!!! Yum!) It is a little strange, considering that I spent my childhood trying every possible way to get out eating my veggies at dinner. “They are getting cold,” Mom would say. Truth is, I did that on purpose. They tasted more tolerable when cold.
It was not until after college that I started to eat more outside my normal eating habits–maybe partial roommate influence (positive peer pressure if such an oxymoron exists) and the tumor growing on the 5th nerve causing a decrease in my smell–my view of food changed. No more “plug your nose while you eat…you won’t taste it” sort of fun. This is now my reality. Having no sense of smell changes your eating habits.
Strange though, I can still smell coffee and can tell when there is BBQ cooking. I can taste the seasoning of Mrs. Dash and sea salt if large portions are applied to the food. I noticed I still tasted the ketchup on my potatoes tonight at dinner and the blueberries in my muffin this morning. So not all is lost.
Growing up there were a few vegetables that I disliked the most: beets, asparagus, peas, and acorn squash–but especially asparagus!! We did not eat it often but when we did, it was awful! Fast forward to the year 2010, my roommate was having a birthday potluck/game night at our apartment. I had to work a late night shift, so by the time I got there, food was already served and the game was about to start. I remember walking in and smelling bacon (this is a few months prior tumor growth, so I still had regular smell at this point.) As I get my plate full of food, a friend asks if I want some of what he cooked: asparagus wrapped in bacon. I agree, but winced because I knew I did not like asparagus. As I ate it, I realized the bacon took most of the flavor. If I were a food critic, I would have starred it with a 4 out of 5 stars–only because the taste of asparagus was still not the greatest. That was the last time I had eaten the vegetable.
It might just be that time of year–the garden recipes, grilling tips for your patio parties, fresh “make in minute salads”–and I don’t know how or where asparagus fits in all that, but it has been a reoccurring word ever since I discovered a simple recipe in a book that I finished last week. “I can cook this!!” I said: asparagus, olive oil, sea salt and pepper. Asparagus was on my next shopping list. And it was weird. 🙂
Tonight we decided to put it with dinner: tilapia and potatoes and the asparagus. As I am trying to cut off the end, I am getting frustrated at their stems. “It is like bamboo!!!” Not that I have ever tried bamboo before but I was making a point. Mom suggested the food scissors instead of a knife. Brilliant. This is why I cook with her present in the kitchen! I start spreading the olive oil on with a brush that you use for applying barbecue sauce to your grill meat, while offering my next statement with a laugh: “Painting asparagus!” I had just come from the basement where I had been painting. Guess it was still fresh on my mind.
I add the sea salt and pepper, then it was ready for the oven:
Dinner turned out to be a delicious meal! Best part is, I can now add asparagus to my list of “veggie likes.” I think in part, because I did not taste the “asparagus” taste that had caused me to give a 4 out of 5 stars during the last experience. I chewed and looked outside thinking. “Hmmm, it tastes like green beans to me.” Then I add that I have a list of other vegetables I want to test–first up is eggplant. I cannot guarantee the same positive experience, but it is worth a try. Maybe that is the blessing of losing my sense of smell and altering taste: it takes me out of my eating comfort zone and into a kitchen full of possibilities.
“Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!” Psalm 34:8
Filed under Adjusting to NF2, Family Times, Funny Stories, Paintings, Random, Uncategorized
Even in the grey.
In the very place where God has put us, whatever its limitations, whatever kind of work it may be, we may indeed serve the Lord Christ.
~Elizabeth Elliot
This morning was lovely; 6:45 am and I am wide awake. (Ok, the Charlie horse cramp in my right leg is not the greatest alarm clock, but it got me out of bed.) I go to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee and notice how bright it is outside. No sun…in fact it was raining. The colors were vibrant. The grass, trees and shrubs look greener; the blossoms a deeper shade of pink; the tree swallows more royal blue as they flew in big sweeping motions around the deck and the robins a deeper chestnut as they hopped in the grass feeding on bugs. The only thing that looked the same to me was Muffy–but we’ll give him some slack. 🙂
As I feed Muffy his breakfast, I breathed in. Refreshing. The grey skies reminded me of limitations, as even my own physical disabilities were on my mind the night before. It is easy to see the color grey and connote it with seeming dreary, as if it is not possible to think that a day without blue skies and sunshine can be beautiful. But it was. In fact, I don’t think any amount of sunshine or clear skies could have replaced the atmosphere that lingered today. Life can seem grey. I question what I am doing or will do in the future; I question about health or finances, about where to serve or what book to read next. It does not have to be this way; I was not created to live this way. I live in beauty, because in the days of grey, I have been given hope and a purpose. (Jeremiah 29:11-13)
Filed under Adjusting to NF2, Muffy, Uncategorized
My Life with NF2 