Dictated on Tuesday, June 9, 2015:
The beginning of last week I found myself grasping the reality that my vision was really fading. Just the weekend before, Mom had given Melissa the two photo albums I had told her about in which I had pictures of family and friends and pictures of Colorado in which I thought I could look at in the evenings when also going through my prayer journal in the main lobby. What I found was a bad frustration. I could not see any of the pictures in the photo album and even then the pictures in my prayer journal were starting to get a bit hazy. I gave Mom both my albums and my prayer journal to take home. It was then, that I had nothing to do in the evenings, I started clinging more to my parents and family when they would come to visit. In one evening as I saw my parents fade out the door everything in my heart went with them and in my mind I was screaming, “Take me with you! Please!” And all I wanted was to run after them but I couldn’t. It was over the next few days that I was doing a lot of thinking and praying. I had been having some bad dreams and some rough nights and was still having some frustrations about being here in general. But through a series of a few events God started showing me a little more about who He is and His faithfulness.
It was over these days that I remembered back in December when my eyes first started failing that I posted myself a question on whether becoming closer to God meant going blind. It was a question I said I couldn’t answer in words and I still don’t think that I can. But over those days of frustration last week, and lots of tears, I had some songs and Bible verses come to mind. One was Michael W.Smith, “Pray For Me.” Coming out of the second verse, leading into the chorus, he writes, “I know that through it all the hardest part of love is letting go, but there is a greater love that holds us. Pray for me and I’ll pray for you.” As I started singing that song over the next few days, over and again in my mind, I could see that probably the reason why I was clinging so hard to my family was because I didn’t want to lose their faces in my mind. Faces are important to me, probably because I’ve always read lips. Maybe it’s because I’ve never seen God face to face in a tangible way that I could see my family’s faces, I guess it is hard at some point to let go of those that I love so dearly here on earth and follow the One that loves me the most.
I also got to thinking about the way that Jesus called His disciples: He said, “Follow Me,” and they left everything. I still don’t understand why, when God said, “Follow Me,” and I did, that I ended up here, but sometimes, it is not seen clearly until later down the road, and that is where I feel I am right now. I am trying with my whole heart to let go of everything here on earth, even if that means letting go of seeing the faces that I love, the people that I love, to follow every step of the days ahead. It is not that I am completely at loss of everything: I still have been surrounded and blessed, but the most important thing is to keep hold of Jesus through prayer more than trying to cling to those around me. To know that even Jesus prays for me is something quite special and that is why I must continue to follow, because He knows what is best, even if I can’t physically see it. The days ahead will still be long, but there’s a greater love that holds me through it all.