Dictated on Tuesday May 26, 2015:
Here I am in the middle of my 3rd week-I have not yet adjusted to my new routine of life. I wake up in the morning and struggle to see my breakfast cereal in my room as the first of the morning light hits my eyes, even though I wear dark sunglasses. For the rest of the morning I go through medicines, bathroom calls and PT&OT before lunch around noon. It’s the afternoon that starts to get me. More medicine and bathroom calls and most of the time boredom while I wait for visitors to come. Some days I’ll have lots of unexpected visitors and it makes the time go by very quickly. There are other days with no visitors and the time goes by very slow. I feel like a Jack-in-the-Box and someone is winding it from the outside and I will pop out! There have been many times I’ve been overwhelmed and had break downs, but last I had a Jack-in-the-Box moment where I said I didn’t think it was fair that I was stuck inside when it was a nice evening. I think it was boredom again and my Nook battery died and we didn’t think the DVD charger was here either. A lot of my frustration comes from nothing to do, due to the lack of vision and light settings. I was already done scribbling with permanent markers and I wasn’t ready for bed yet. It was after my “outbursts” one of the nurses took me for a stroll outside. It was a wonderful evening. I was very humbled by the nurse’s care in helping me find something to do.
Even through all my frustrations, there has been some good. I’m getting to know the nurses and aides and I’ve had some fun conversations with them. Physical/Occupational therapy keeps me going as they’re trying to rebuild my strength. Yesterday I hit a milestone and “walked” down the hallway, but I would classify it more as “hobbled” using my walker. Still, it was exciting and left me out of breath. I’m very thankful that I have family close by and visits when they can and my mom visits everyday. I’ve also had lots and friends frequently visit, but what I struggle with is feeling like I’m losing contact with my family and friends that are out of state. I miss the days of old—emails, Facebook, texting—or just writing snail mail letters just to let them know I am thinking of them. Because I can no longer read my Bible, this is where my prayer journal has become like a favorite “book”. I use it so much I now have to sit out at the main lobby at the table because the binding is falling apart. My vision continues to fail and seeing people in my room is difficult. I want to protect these pictures of my family and friends because they are special…I pray for them.
Today, Dad met me as I was coming from PT and on my way to lunch. I was talking to him about my boredom problem and he started talking about using the time sitting as a time to pray, “Dad-that’s literally all I do around here!” I didn’t mean for it to sound like a bad thing, after all we’re to pray without ceasing. I have always been a “go” person and to all of a sudden stop is difficult and where most of my frustration lies. As we (Dad and I) continued to talk Dad said, “It is a lesson I am to learn, to rest in God and trust Him”. Trust is something that everyone writes about on the marker board after one of my emotional breakdowns. I am trying to fully trust that I will get past this sense of boredom and once again see that my life has purpose. Like the times at home, God has brought different songs and verses to mind. But this morning at breakfast alone in my room, I said, “I don’t want to eat Rice Krispies, I want to eat the word of God!” I think that is one thing that in my times of sitting, besides praying, I could use a lot more of this. I am trusting before I go fully blind; I will have the chance to do so. Thank you for your continued prayers for me and my family. Your letters, emails and visits all mean so much. I have more to share, but for now that is all. Love, Mel