I’ve been a little distracted in thoughts the past few days. I have had “entry” writings typing in mind, but when I would sit to type them in my computer, the timing and patience and words did not come together. The past few days my mind has been elsewhere–not that I am ignoring tomorrow’s MRI scans and thought process entitled to the subject. Rather, I head to my scans tomorrow with a peace–because what God has shown me, teaching me…I have a peace. It did not come without tears and questions and frustrations…even last night I had more, but as I got in bed and reflected on the past few days–grand days of living to the full–I was happy. And in decisions I have made, I am happy and in this peace, I am happy.
I have discussed before a list of different words or short phrases that I repeat often in a day. I still mutter “good grief,” but I am finding I say it more on the negative slope…when things frustrate me or I am embarrassed. I did find watching A Charlie Brown Christmas to be quite humorous as the kids, such as Charlie Brown or Linus, say the phrase dully. I add a bit of emotion. And in emotion–excited, stunned, and the like–I say, “Oh wow.” Depending on the situation and context, that [phrase can be shouted with all caps and an exclamation point or drawn out with a strand of “0’s” for dramatic effect of shock. These two phrases are like a common language in my vocabulary. Because I am an odd number person, I am finding that I now have a third singular word: Okay.
Similar to the others, I have no memory of how this word came about in my daily talk, but I use it probably the same amount as the other two combined…for replying to someone’s statements or a prep talk to myself when I am catching my breath, anything. Funny how one word can bring a song to mind. In this case, “Alrightokayuhhuhamen,” by Rich Mullins. With a catchy tune, the song speaks exactly what i have been going through the past week or so and especially this weekend when my thoughts meandered. One stanza in particular:
The Lord said let man choose and man did
There’s been sorrow and trouble
In the world ever since
But there’s hope for us still
In the Word God says
If we just be smart enough to just say yes
Smart enough to say yes to Him and say it
As it was in the beginning
It will be until the end
I forget in my changes that God never changes. When we say “Amen,” we are saying, “So be it,” In American Sign Language, there is no greater, more beautiful or full of reverence sign than, “God.” I also find the sign for ” Amen” to be significant in its meaning of hand movements. To sign the word, you are actually using the sign, “Help,” modified. You hold your left hand out flat, palm facing upward. Then place your right fist with thumb up n the left palm. To sign it as “Amen,” move both hands upward slightly as they sign “Help.” Isn’t that neat? As if signing complete surrender. Often, my prayers are just that…help. Last night in my moment of tears and frustrations, I asked a simple, “Why?” But unlike tomorrow’s scan results, I already know the answer to my question…and all I can say, Okay, so be it.