“For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol…” It was the only portion of the verse from Psalms that came to mind as I sat talking in a Skype chat with my friend on New Year’s Day. We talk often and now with my eyes in the current conditions, I use my Nook so that I can hold it to my face and use my bifocals. The only drawback for her is that she cannot see me as my Nook is not compatible with a web cam; she doesn’t mind.
She had just read my latest entry, The Color Clear, and wanted to see how I was doing. As we got deeper in, talk flowed from my current state of physical sufferings to my dreams to what God placed in my heart years ago during college to what I am seeking and learning to trust…the fullness of God when it is not perceivable in my human eyes.
“My time here is not done yet,” I tell her in relation to one of my dreams, where I know God was speaking this to me, to affirm and comfort. I add, “And I know…that in these sufferings, He will not leave me to do it alone.” That is when the verse came to mind.
I was sort of vague in my post, What Matters, about changes that I could see becoming more permanent in the future months…I have been tracking my yes closely and the only real obvious one at the moment is that I am requiring more help. All mingled with each aspect of my body, I guess that is why I kept it vague. Even before Christmas, I had made important decisions to discuss with my doctor after my MRI of the brain and neck, February 3rd. I was scheduled to see my neuro-ophthalmologist on February 20th. Well, changes are happening faster than I might want and to me–my eyes are what matter most physically.
My appointment with my eye doctor got reset to yesterday. The typical read letters on the wall, resulted in more of a conversation about the right eye. I only have a small sliver of which I see things, more on the outer rim. There has to be light though, but I can catch movement and see items (such as the refrigerator when sitting at the table.) It is a very dark eye. My left eye optic nerve looks well. However, my vision decreased a small amount–which I had wondered–and in taking a visual field test, there is the darkened vision on the upper rim and lower rim of the inner eye…which I also guessed, because of lip-reading problems and the tint darkening.
Because my neuro-ophthalmologist would like to see more, he did not want to wait for the MRI on the 3rd. It is teset for next week. Then, along with my main doctor at Children’s and the surgeon from my right eye surgery, they will discuss the scans and see if there may be any way to help keep the left eye stable.
More changes means more decisions, means more trust in God and I still don’t feel ready to face the uncertainties even though I know I am not alone. I still had not looked up the reference for the Psalm that had come t mind the week before, so as I lay in bed Tuesday evening, I did:
For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption.
You make known to me the path of life, in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
Yes, yesterday’s news still came more than hard for thoughts, because of the unknowns. Even today, my thinking was altered…but as I now write this, I see that the unknown is like doubt–like dwelling in Sheol. And I have been rescued from that place, even the darkness that persists.