Today I thought of something funny: VeggieTales’ Larry Boy character has super-suction plunger ears! This thought enlightened my state of frustration as I was stalling between the entrance and outdoors of Target’s entryway trying to grasp my small Starbucks cup and walk at the same time. When I finally made it to my car I decided that I should not get a coffee less I was pushing a cart. These hands no longer grip cups the way the way they should…maybe I should look into gripping gloves.
My whole shopping list at Target consisted of two things: band aids and bathroom cups. The band aids are just for safe keeping as I seem to use them often, but the bathroom cups are a new idea I thought of the other night as I found myself rinsing my mouth after bushing but in the end biting my finger. My fingers no longer make a “cup-like” position as I found out.
My right hand is now entering a stage of numbness where my fingers are very heavy and tingle while the function is draining. I can still use my hand (my left is weak but actually now the stronger of the two hands.) My hand is just slow. Simple things such as holding a drinking cup (unless a mug), I now hold with both hands. I hold my toothbrush and chapstick a certain way between my index/middle finger as I drop them otherwise. I cannot pick things up with just my thumb and index finger, so when I drop anything on the floor, I have to use both hands in a scoop like fashion to try to recover it (while also trying to keep my balance). Zip lock bag days are nearing an end; and opening anything else in the kitchen can usually be done with these gripped circles my mom has or with a trusty pair of scissors. 🙂 I can’t get my hair ties in my hair and just an honest note, even sometimes certain things in dressing myself becomes difficult. And typing is finger poking.
These changes in my hand have happened very quickly over the past two months–it is often hard to see past the downslope of health. Next week will be the end of two months on the Sirolimus chemo treatment. My MRI is this Friday (the 23rd) and doctor check up on Tuesday (the 27th)–between the results of those scans, my current physical state and chemo–there is a lot to think and pray about. Try as I can to remain trusting in the Lord, my mind is often consumed with the “what if” of the unknown future that it consumes me. This happened last week, but it was also largely guilt I placed on myself for getting my chemo doses wrong with the new syringes.
In a conversation with my sister, she mentioned that because I have changed so much physically over the past few months, the mental/emotional part of my body is trying to catch up to speed, resulting in the way I have been over the past few weeks: emotional, distant and when not thinking of health, consuming my thoughts with things like teas, books or movies. I am not content…I have been in need. So when my sister mentioned this equation imbalance, I saw the truth in it. Up until this year, all the side effects in my physical body have been slow progressive. This enabled me to adjust to the changes at a steady pace…whereas these past few months it has seemed to be my whole body and I cannot keep the same pace.
I think often: “How am I going to continue to live like this?” But then I remember that I DO live…and God will be at my right hand until the end (Psalm 121:5).
Madam, when you [come] to the other side of the water, and have set down your foot on the shore of glorious eternity, and look back again to the waters and to your wearisome journey, and shall see in that clear glass of endless glory nearer to the bottom of God’s wisdom, you shall then be forced to say, ‘If God had done otherwise with me than he hath done, I had never come to enjoy of this crown of glory’. It is your part now to believe, and suffer, and hope, and wait on[.]
*”4/to Marion M’Naught.” Letters of Samuel Rutherford: A Selection. Carlisle, PA: The Banner of Truth Trust, 2012. pg. 18.