I think I made a discovery. If it’s not obvious yet, sometimes it takes me a while to piece together clues within the day-to-day activities before it just dawns on me what a surreal possibility could be indeed the happening (in accordance to the repetition clues acted or observed.) As far as my discovery, it is both action on my part first noted by a frustrated, accumulated observation with prior knowledge and experience.
Discovery–visual field tests do not lie. Let me re-emphasize that point: where your visual field test shows black on the report, you have a blind spot. You didn’t see the light flash, so you didn’t click the button, so it shows truthfulness in the results; It is no game boy stimulation. Last thing you want is to read is a “Game Over!” sign. Knowing that I just had a visual field test and even know (previously discussed) where my vision has worsened due to the optic nerve swelling, one could assume that I would note quickly why I was (or can) get increasingly frustrated while using my laptop or parent’s computer. Light sensitivity is now more minimal annoyance as I found a position at the dining room table that suits best…yet even now my right eye is re-adjusting and re-focusing. Some days are just better than others.
My discovery came after an evening of trying to write a letter in Word doc form with a few pictures added at the bottom for my grandparents. I wanted to tell them about the NF Walk and what we (me, Tasha, Chelsea) had done over the weekend. I love writing fun update letters like this to my grandparents! After me and Mom returned from the CO trip, I had done the same thing, but it was not like this past week’s experience. It proves the visual field test true.
The problem of my discovery: my mouse cursor point (in sight on-screen) will just disappear at certain areas of the screen. I had already, months ago, changed my arrow appearance to black and had enlarged it a little, so it should be easily seen. Last week especially, I would be using my computer and mouse–it would disappear. Frantic sometimes if I am in the middle of important work, otherwise, I usually let out my “Mel is frustrated, yet determined to finish!” grunts and continue to make motions with my mouse to see where the arrow causes pop-up action. It’s like playing hide-and-seek.
In my annual making the evening tea ritual, my brain starts to process what has been happening. Mom walks in the kitchen and I bluntly state my profound discovery: “My cursor and mouse arrow disappear in the lower middle section of the screen.” Yep, profound…because at that instant I continued my ramblings in orderly sense–perfectly clear sense: My swollen optic nerves worsened my visual field test blind spot in the right eye at this area, but I have also noticed that vision overlaps–so where it is a blind spot, it is also cataract hazy from the left eye. It is a mind-boggling scenario.
Having this blind spot reminds me of my walk with God. I don’t believe that God hides from me..His presence is always beside me. However, I think that sometimes God chooses not to reveal Himself as a strengthening of faith. When I lose my cursor or mouse arrow, although frustrated, I become more alert to finding even the smallest motion on-screen that signifies where my displaced subject awaits. When I lose sight of what God is doing in my life, I get panicky and frustrated. Seeking Him whole-heartedly, even the smallest motions of faith will indicate which direction I am to follow. And when God chooses to reveal Himself again, it is too wondrous to comprehend.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me….
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.John Newton
My Life with NF2 