On My Nerves

IMG_9434

(Dictated to Mom on September 30th)

Last summer when I participated in the Children’s Tumor Foundation NF2 walk in Cincinnati, OH, I got on the website to register the team name. As I was looking through the other teams, one was named “NF Gets On My Nerves”. Maybe you have to have the disease to find that ironically humorous as I did! I still think it’s funny, but in all reality, my nerves really don’t as since the last blog post, they have taken a lot more pressure from the tumors.

It was just a few days ago that in thinking of this blog post, I really didn’t know what I was going to write. I get tired of telling everyone about my physical woes as if I don’t have anything else to talk about. I know it’s important to share so people are updated and know how to pray for me. My body continues to go down, but sometimes I feel that I’ve already said enough. There are always the physical changes, but over these past few weeks, I’ve experienced a state of mental and spiritual changes in dealing with the new level of nerve functions. At the same time, my body has been battling between the flesh and spirit. One night, as my dad and I were discussing my physical conditions, I found myself getting really frustrated and angry during some of our conversations. As Dad was giving me a hug that night, I suddenly realized that I was doing the same in my prayers and attitude toward God. I don’t think that I’ve ever had such a state of loneliness in my life before to where I was so angry at God I just couldn’t understand why things were happening to me, I’ve never been depressed before, but in some ways the attitude I had could have been so.

A lot of my physical pain now deals with having numbness that has now pretty much taken over all areas of my body. This isn’t really anything new, except for one thing—my breathing. The entanglement of tumors behind my intestine problems is obviously nothing new either as I had this problem for several years now. Over the past few weeks, what has been happening is more tumor pressure in my middle part of my spine. The tumor that is growing on the inside of my spinal cord at the base of my neck is causing pain when I breath. If you look closely, sometimes you can see my head bob because my heart is beating faster. I wonder this is a side effect of the tumor? In all of this, I also am experiencing some general “mishaps” here and there. Once, as I was spilling my capped water mug yet again, I cried out, “What do you want from me? Why am I still here?” I was so frustrated and at such a low that I told Mom that I was “done” and wanted to give up! I’m tired of being “brave” and taking the road less traveled—separated from my friends and family. “It’s not fair”, I cried. I was letting my flesh “win” even though I know I have the victory in Christ!

Often times at night, I wake up between 5:30 and 7:00 a.m. to use the bathroom. When I’m lifted back in bed, I started to fall asleep. Often Audio Adrenaline’s song called This Day comes to mind. The song talks about getting out of bed and starting the day with every breath of God. It’s sad to say that by the time it’s 9 a.m. (and transferring me to my chair)—I have long forgotten the song. I have learned a lot over these past few weeks since the last blog post. Most importantly, I’ve learned how significant every breath of life is—each breath may be full of pain, maybe in a small or big way. I know now that every breath is surely a gift. Some may say it’s a miracle—and maybe it really is. I don’t know, but I do know that as long as I am still breathing that I am here for a reason. That reason sometimes is just to pray to God—I’m still learning this lesson like every brush stroke.  I feel the joy of what that breath of praise can really mean. Sometimes I still want to know “why” but I don’t need to ask that question anymore.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and encouragement because it makes my heart overflow with thankfulness. And a thankful heart is a happy heart!

This Day

Sung by Audio Adrenalin on the album Underdog

It’s six A.M

I’m so tired

The alarm sounds

And the new day begins

Before I go

And disturb this peaceful moment

I look to You

[CHORUS:]

I want to say a prayer

Before my feet can hit the ground

Lord I give this day to You

I’m amazed how You forgive me

Yesterday seems so far behind

It’s a brand new day

And every day’s a new beginning

I look to You

[CHORUS]

Breathe in

Breathe out

Breathe in

And watch the day begin

I wanna watch the day begin

[REPEAT CHORUS]

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11 Comments

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11 responses to “On My Nerves

  1. Steph KC

    Great painting! Miss you. ❤ Keep the faith, strong, beautiful lady!

  2. Dear Melinda,

    Thank you for continuing to blog. I understand your pain and frustration with this “NF is getting on my nerves.” I bought a t-shirt that says that. I kind of found that funny too! You have to find the humor in NF. 🙂 I pray for you. I hope to get to Jamestown this weekend. When I read you blogs I am so thankful for my NF1. You are dear to my heart. I think and pray for you so often. I am convinced that one day during my lifetime there will be a cure to ENDNF. It may not benefit me. But, the researchers will find the missing link that causes theses tumors to grow and will be able to stop them.

    “I thank God every time I remember you.” Philip 1:3

  3. michelle

    A friend of mine who is 20 years and has just been diagnosed with papillary thyroid cancer shared this verse. May you be encouraged by it as well dear sister Mel.”My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.” Psalm 73:26. May Christ in you sustain you through the suffering and bring you joy in the midst.

  4. Julie smith

    Mel you are here for a purpose! You’re here to be an inspiration and teach a lesson! Being thankful is so important! God has given us so much. I’m not sure why he inflicts certain people with strife or ill health. But I do know that he gives us life! Those he inflicts with pain, illness and strife are lessons to us all. I think it’s to show us all how good we have it. So it’s to inspire and motivate us to be thankful and loving! In his name! I will continue to pray for you and will be thankful for your inspiration!

  5. Kim Jenerette

    “I’m still learning this lesson like every brush stroke” … this puts things in perspective and I appreciate you sharing your heart to us … you continually remind me of a Psalmist … sharing concerns and heartaches in your pure honesty, and recognizing the power, sovereignty, and love of God for us, no matter what our state … I like the verse that Michelle shared (Ps. 73:26) … we hope to see you real soon and we love you.

    Uncle Kim and Aunt Lisa

  6. Catherine Aviles

    Praying for you sweet friend! When I visit you encourage me more than I could ever encourage you!

  7. christi Ramsay Rowe

    Love And Prayers sending to You!!!!

  8. Sheron Gibbs

    Mel, Thanks for your faithfulness ! You continue to physically struggle and share personal struggles with us. Yet as I consider each blog I am so blessed by the way God uses you in my life. At the end of each blog you point us to YOUR Savior , through song or His word, that our Faith, Hope and Trust in Him is not in vain. Miss you, love you , praying, continue to be strong in the Lord, bringing light in these hard days. Mrs. Gibbs

  9. Liz Garthly

    Each time I think of not hearing from you on your blog a new one appears. I am always encouraged by you as you share how God is working in your life as he helps you through each moment of each day. I too love Psalm 73:26. I also like Isaiah 4:13 – For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. That scripture helps me through each day I live. My prayers are with you sweet Melinda. You are loved. Liz

  10. Rebecca Baker

    I am praying that with each breath you’ll experience the energy oxygen brings to your body and the strength the Holy Spirit brings to your heart.
    There’s a wonderful line in the play, Our Town–“Do any human beings ever realize life, every, every minute?” I think you do.

  11. Callista

    When you mentioned the song “This Day” I started singing the one by Steven Curtis Chapman in my head:

    This day all His mercies are new
    This day every promise is true
    Father, help me to believe
    Give me faith I need to know You
    And trust You this day
    This day

    Also fitting.

    Miss you, friend. You can do this.

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