Dictated to Mom on July 19, 2015
The other day I had a dream that I was going for a job interview at a car dealership! I was really excited about this opportunity to get back into society and work, but when I got there, the windows were darkened and the doors were closed and no balloons or streamers that are typical at car dealerships. Mom and Megan were behind me . . . Mom said, “Looks like they’re closed.” It was then that I woke up and realized that I was still in bed. After I rang in to use the bathroom, I tried to go back asleep, but was very sad to realize that my days of working out in the world are over.
I’ve been through enough changes over the years to know when something new is starting to happen in my body. As much as I truly desire to be out in the fast paced world, the only thing that seems to be happening at the moment, is the slowing down of my body. I can list from head to toe new and current changes that are happening. Some of them I don’t understand myself – like when I sit in complete whiteness and everything around me “spins”. It doesn’t really make me dizzy, but it can sometimes give me headaches. It’s like a mind game when I’m trying to hold my drinking cup and place it back on the table – I have to tell myself I’m not spinning and try to keep my hands sturdy. I still can’t tell you how many times (giggling) that I have spilled and have to once again ring in for help to clan up the mess!
As I continue to sit, I can get really stiff! There are times when I use Teddy as a pillow and after so long of sleeping, wake up and have a hard time breathing. My neck and shoulders continue to tighten and my lower back continues to cause problems along with my intestines. There are many other little things – it’s getting harder to chew and harder to swallow – harder to digest food and harder to use the bathroom properly. There are some days when it is full of visitors or just energy, but there are other days, that are just difficult and I feel like I wasted it away by sleeping.
Physical and occupational therapy continue to work with me which keeps one moving and stretching. Las week, they wanted to try a new walker. It was one that I had to lean forward with my left arm, while my right arm was on a normal handle. I was a big crying mess while walking down the hall and I’m sure everyone saw it , but at the moment I did not care. In my mind, all I could think of was how uncomfortable I was and I didn’t like starting new.
When I got to the therapy room, I sat back in my wheel chair and asked, “Why do we have to always try something new?” They finger tapped on my arm that they just wanted to keep me working. They asked if I was scared of the new walker? I said “Yes” . . . even though I knew they wouldn’t let me fall! As we started doing stretches on the mat, I talked with my therapist about a video on line where a kid goes around at a camp talking then randomly turns around and says “trust fall” expecting people around him to catch him. I’ve never been a fan of “trust falls”, but my therapist brought up a good statement that I took more like a question – she said – “it must be hard for you to trust.” In my mind, I knew she was right so I said, “YES”!
I know that everyone around here is really trying to help me and I have to trust that even when it is difficult as I sat thinking, I was talking to god and asked Him if trust is what I am supposed to be learning because there are some nights I cry into Teddy and tell god I don’t know how much more I can take. Then a new day begins, and I get bak in my chair and as I start thinking and praying, I have to trust that when I would still rather be out in the world, but my time of being out in the world might be over. I have to trust that while I sit that God will keep reminding me of the good things that I have had and that He will continue to hear my prayers and answer them in His perfect timing.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.