Have you ever experienced watching a toddler taking their first attempt at walking? They may have tried countless times previously, holding the couch or a parent’s few fingers. Baby’s first steps might only be a few before toppling over back to the floor…but it is a moment of celebration and growth. The picture reveals happy faces and open arms of anyone that the baby is headed toward and the memory is cherished. But baby steps cannot be planned—and it’s those moments you see transformation that continues…
I am well past those toddler days, though the tumors are causing my being to go back to those days in most aspects of normal adult living. But in the past week, with my balance starting to take more toil and focus, I thought how I have been prepared for where I am and how God planned it in baby steps of giant faith.
It started back in December, when I was struggling intensely about the changes beginning to happen and the agonizing of knowing that I could not ignore the topics that would need to be discussed at the doctor appointment. It was my decision to only have an MRI of the brain and neck and not have a full spine scan. I only kept the brain scan to keep track of the optic nerves—which at that time were relatively stable as much as I could tell. As the holidays continued, so did the baby steps.
I am not a dreamer, and when I am, I normally do not see people’s faces. At the height of my intense spiritual longings and pleadings, God gave me a dream of giant faith. I saw my Daddy Cory, an image of one of the pictures I have seen in Mom’s albums; he was happy and smiling, but not moving. In the next instant, I saw my best friend and her son (who is a toddler.) They too were smiling and happy and moving. My friend was telling her son something and then he moved toward me…I reached out and tussled his hair and gave him a hug; it felt so real. I woke up thinking—I am no interpreter of dreams, but I believe God was showing me that my journey on earth is not yet complete…people I love need me and I need them. After this dream, I started to think and pray about those hard topics, and had some good (tearful) discussion with Dad as he helped answer some of my questions.
And I started to have peace. I started the completion of my written documents for my file box. And I prayerfully made my decision on the only aspect of treatments left available to me: surgery, in which I do not have peace.
Surgery on any part of my brain or spine has never been an option, minus my freshman year of high school in which they knew the exact tumor causing the problem; they can’t say the same now. My eye surgery last September never touched my optic nerve, only the sheath around it because it was full of fluid.
Even before my neuro ophthalmologist appointment or MRI got pushed forward, I had made my decision and had peace: that same surgery was not an option for my left eye.
“I know my vision is fading,” I cry telling Mom my decision. Telling the family was the hardest, but I needed them to understand where I stood and my peace. I cannot say that I will go fully blind—that is out of my hands. The right eye surgery enabled my left eye more time…but my right eye never recovered. I might have different views of the surgery if I had vision in my right, but since I do not and know that I have been prepared for such a time as this, and God is still guiding my baby steps for the future, I have peace in my soul.
MRI scans show fluid in the left optic nerve. I knew something was going on inside—even my whole body these days. It is not easy, and even last night I hit a wall of being overwhelmed. But just a few hours earlier, my Grandpa reminded me, “Keep looking to Jesus.” Toddlers taking their first steps are not looking down, but ahead, toward the one with arms stretched open wide.
6 responses to “Baby Steps”
Mel, your words and exhortation … to “keep looking to Jesus” is just what I need … daily. I know that I needed these words and continually need them … you bless me and Aunt Lisa daily … know this.
We love you and pray for you constantly … I am also happy you were able to have a dream … the Lord is Lord of everything … there is no moment that is not within His sovereignty …
Uncle Kim and Aunt Lisa
Your words have more than once caused me to repent of a shallow perspective and simultaneously bask in the presence of God’s grace. Again, thank you and with brotherly love.
Thanks for your comments – thanks for taking the time to share what you feel and are learning. It is good for all of us to learn from you You would have been a great teacher, among the many skills and abilities you have. We often share your thoughts with others as we go thru our daily activities.
You could have been included in the Proverbs, a nice updated version.
You and your family are a blessing to all of us!
Dwayne Frank and family (Currently in Florida soaking up the sun)
By the way, you ARE a teacher now!
Thank you so much! You have taught me so many things just by reading your blogs…….. You are so sincere and open. Thank you again!
Mel, my office is down the hall from your dad’s, and, as you know, he loves you very much. I am inspired every time I read your blog. Your power to evoke images with words is profound, and the truth behind those images always blesses me–sometimes by challenging and sometimes by comforting. I’m praying for you as you keep making decisions. Thank you.