It seems to have changed overnight. We went from mid-70’s, shorts and tee-shirt attire to pants, sweaters, and scarves all in one weekend. Suddenly, Mom is pulling the remainder of her tomatoes from the garden before frost sets and soup is now a comfort food…it fits the atmosphere, the season, like a cup of tea in the evening…there are good things in every season. I just have to see them with a better attitude.
I haven’t seen it here–which has surprised me: birds migrating. I saw flocks of birds migrating south to warmer weather in Colorado. As the weather suddenly changed here, I thought of the migrations…the flight–almost escape–from the present condition to warmer, winter luxury days. I almost envied it, because I have no escape from my present condition, no luxury of easy days ahead.
And the thought came to mind: “So this is it. This is what it is.” I knew the right eye surgery would not fix everything, but maybe I was hoping for more. It seems that my entire body took a sudden change, like the weather–it just did with no warning and now it is different. I was trying to retrieve a small container of trail mix from the pantry the other evening and was having problems gripping the container while balancing, practically dropping it all to the floor. It is a common sight. But as I turned to grab my walker handles, Mom was behind me. Already having a frustrating day, I mumbled, “If this is what it is going to be like for the rest of my life, it stinks.”
The next day I was typing a letter to my cousin who, at age fourteen, said a few ideas about what she wanted to be when she grew up, but wasn’t sure. I sat contemplating thoughts, because I am still at that stage in my own life…not necessarily what I want to be (I have plenty of those old dreams), but what God needs me to be. What am I supposed to be doing with my life, because the world around me is moving and people’s lives seem migrating from one thing to the next and I feel I often just sit missing something.
After much thought and looking at my own heart, I responded:
You said you don’t know what you want to be when you grow up and that is okay. I am 12 years older than you and find myself out of the “world of work” not knowing what I am supposed to be doing and often get frustrated or antsy that I have what I see as limitations. It is not easy, but I am learning to see that there is so much work we can do every day for God if I let go of what I had always dreamed for myself of a future.
It is one of the fine lines of faith I walk daily. And usually the frustrations win. As I re-started Francis Chan’s book, Crazy Love, this morning, I was reminded of the importance of standing in awe, complete awe, of God. I don’t often do that, if at all…too many distractions, too many wishful migrating thoughts. It is terribly difficult to even look or think of my body with an awe of seeing it as God’s creation, perfectly woven from before birth. The physical I now live is not what I may want, but in every season, there is good. I just need to live it in a better attitude, full of awe of God’s Goodness.
And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.