“You know, this is blog worthy,” I say as I pause to catch my breath. Dad turns around and gives a little laugh. I had just made it down the three stairs from the top of the patio to the gravel; I just had to cross it to get to the grass and venture in darkness towards the flaming fire-pit where we were getting ready to roast marshmallows. If you have ever seen me walking grass, even in daylight, you understand how difficult this situation turns out to be–however, that night I had my Dad walking in front holding my walker to keep it steady and my Uncle was walking close behind me, for in the event I fell backwards.
I continue my mumbling, “Yep. Someone should be video-taping this and then post it on Youtube as one of those ‘inspiring’ stories that goes viral.” At this point I have to stop, because I am laughing at the thought of it and continue, “The headline would read, ‘Watch what happens when a girl, who can’t walk on grass in the dark, goes to sit with her family by the fire-pit.” It actually would be a boring video, because that’s all I did–just sit. Mom roasted three marshmallows for me and then I just enjoyed watching everyone else; can’t lip-read in the dark…and lip-reading all weekend was difficult as it was already otherwise.
Over the past two weekends, we have had two family reunions: the one in which my parents and I made the road trip to Michigan had been planned for months; the one this past weekend was a minor spontaneous overlapping of my Mom’s siblings. Lots of aunts and uncles and cousin times, too much food, games and tourist attractions, relaxation and all the different combinations of simple family pictures–both reunions have special memories–even if they were just short gatherings.
I get emotional when I know that I have to face family and friends, in which I have not seen in quite some time; pictures and blog posts are only a fragment of the physical me…real life is always the real picture. I have had a lot of these encounters this summer–before Colorado, before my friends came for the NF Walk, before the Michigan reunion, and when the other relatives came. It will probably happen before I see my doctors in a few weeks; I haven’t seen them since February…a lot has changed since then. I don’t know why this happens–it just does. The thoughts of how I used to be, and the knowledge of where my body is now…overwhelms and frustrates me at times. And I have to honestly say, right now, I am at my worst. And that didn’t faze my family at all–to them, it was just the real me. Just Mel.
Of course, I am not saying that they ignored it all–no, they were my helping hands and we even talked openly about different health issues. And like all my other encounters this summer, my family showed that where there is love…there is no fear. My thoughts of their initial reactions disappeared and were completely forgotten the moment the first “hello” and hugs were given. That’s what made the weekends so special.
Jesus sees me at my worst…even more than just the physical. He sees my thoughts and intentions, the words on my tongue before they’re spoken and my heart. He sees the real me. And He loves me despite it all. That’s not a fearful or overwhelming thought: it’s unfathamable.
10 responses to “At my Worst”
“my family showed me that where there is love there’s no fear”. Oh honey, you know what we’re going thru right now and you have no idea how those words touched my heart! Fear could grip me right now if I let it but I won’t because we have the love of The Lord and the love of our family. Thank you my dear sweet friend for letting The Lord speak thru you to give me exactly what I needed tonight! I love you Melinda and I’m praying for you! Thank you again!
Yes, you have been on my mind and thoughts and short prayers when I think of you and the family. The blessings of having a family and the greater family in the Spirit. 🙂 I miss you so much and SO thankful that I had the chance to see you in June.
Love you, Melinda! Miss you so much. So sorry you have to go through all these trials, but I am so impressed with your positive attitude, and I really appreciate your candor about all these very tough things. You are truly inspiring, and I have learned so much from you, my dear friend!
Thanks for the prayers and encouragement, Sheri. Hugs to you my friend. 🙂
I love you dear sweet sis!!! Love, hugs, kisses, and prayers ~ Megs
P.S. I had no idea you felt this way when seeing family after not seeing them for awhile… Can I tell you something similar but different in a way?? I tend to felt apprehensive coming to visit you when realizing it was the first time seeing you using a cane and then the first time seeing you use a walker… I don’t know why. Guess I just thought it’d be hard riser it and in some ways it is but in so many other ways I simply find myself enjoying being with you and everyone when visiting so much that the cane and walker would fade into the background of my thoughts and wasn’t a thing of apprehension anymore. It was what it was, and it is what it is but it doesn’t ever define who you are and I simply see you for you without all the ill side effects. I hope this makes sense:):) Interesting that we’ve both had fears… mine wasainly that O knew it would be hard to see all the physical changes each time I go but then once I’m with you, I notice but it does not become the priority in my mind anymore as it shifts to just being thankful to see you and be with you:)! Can’t wait to come out in November and spend like 10 days with everyone!!!! YAY! XO, Megs
That makes sense for you to have the similar feelings from not seeing me after a long time too. Skype only shows me sitting. 😉
* Guess I just thought it’d be hard SEEING it
*mine was mainly that I knew it would be hard…
P.P.S. I LOVE YOU=D