Moving Forward

Today was my MRI. You have to understand why I thought it was kind of a big deal: for the past four months, I have had but only one small and local doctor appointment. That’s it. 🙂 Can’t you see how joyous this is?

While I was getting ready, I did some thinking: The past four months of living without having to think of myself all the time has been the most rewarding experience–unlike during chemo when I had at least two appointments every week, plus specific times for taking chemo, and still, log every detail for doctors and research team. Chemo was not helping me. It was controlling me and after much prayer, I decided to end. I know this is not a situation or conclusion that other chemo patients can decide. But this was, and still is, my final decision. I truly am thankful and appreciative of all the care that is put towards my condition and know that it is always available to me when help is needed.

Since then, I cannot deny that I have painfully embraced this fact that my physical body could indeed change drastically, causing me to become fully dependent on others for my needs. It is not easy to comprehend. But isn’t that faith–surrendering fully to God, dependent on Him to meet my every need? I am nothing without His strength; I can’t deny it. Doctors look at my scans and compare what they see evolving inside verses my body’s functions and performance on the outside. The contrast should be labeled as “impossible,” but that is not a word in God’s vocabulary. Possible: I know that it’s true when I get out of bed each morning.

I am a living; As I see now, there is only one direction in which I can continue regardless of MRI scan results–and that is forward.

I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. ~John 10:10b

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4 Comments

Filed under Adjusting to NF2, Hospital Trips

4 responses to “Moving Forward

  1. Calli Morgan

    Love you sweet friend!

  2. Michelle

    “I may be weak but your Spirit is strong in me,
    my flesh may fail but My God you never will!” – lyrics to a worshipful song. ❤

  3. Megan

    Joyous indeed!! What a difference that would be for you to not have to constantly force yourself to think about your physical changes… although, they may continue to happen – just as it does for all of us who move forward in the coming years, because there’s no stopping time. On a side tangent, but still related to the topic of each year growing older, I recently have developed some “floaters” in my left eye… not sure if you know what they are so here’s a good explanation: when I look around, there’s always a gray dot that seems to follow my path of vision but the minute I try to look at it, the dot darts away although still within view *(there’s also some squiggles and circle type floaters too that I can occasionally see depending on what I’m looking at and these are all different from my right eye “fuzz” spot). Anyway, I was talking with Daddy last night about all this and his response was, “Welcome to adulthood”. It didn’t entirely click in my head at the time but since then, the thought donned on me – I am an adult, aren’t I?! I’m no longer a child, teen, or young adult but am nearing the thirties in just another 2 years and time is not slowing down. Surprisingly, that did not make me upset but simply spurred me on to think more about living each day as if it were my last… I’ve often pondered this outlook on life but I think as I truly do continue to move past the “younger years” the not-so-hard realization that I’m not getting any younger seems to set in more and more which, like I said, it doesn’t depress me but it give me a longing to share Christ more with others who are also not getting any younger. Not sure if that makes sense and I would write more but then decided this is long enough for a ‘comment’… good grief! Sorry, it’s more like post length:) XO

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