Today was my MRI. You have to understand why I thought it was kind of a big deal: for the past four months, I have had but only one small and local doctor appointment. That’s it. 🙂 Can’t you see how joyous this is?
While I was getting ready, I did some thinking: The past four months of living without having to think of myself all the time has been the most rewarding experience–unlike during chemo when I had at least two appointments every week, plus specific times for taking chemo, and still, log every detail for doctors and research team. Chemo was not helping me. It was controlling me and after much prayer, I decided to end. I know this is not a situation or conclusion that other chemo patients can decide. But this was, and still is, my final decision. I truly am thankful and appreciative of all the care that is put towards my condition and know that it is always available to me when help is needed.
Since then, I cannot deny that I have painfully embraced this fact that my physical body could indeed change drastically, causing me to become fully dependent on others for my needs. It is not easy to comprehend. But isn’t that faith–surrendering fully to God, dependent on Him to meet my every need? I am nothing without His strength; I can’t deny it. Doctors look at my scans and compare what they see evolving inside verses my body’s functions and performance on the outside. The contrast should be labeled as “impossible,” but that is not a word in God’s vocabulary. Possible: I know that it’s true when I get out of bed each morning.
I am a living; As I see now, there is only one direction in which I can continue regardless of MRI scan results–and that is forward.
I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. ~John 10:10b