My date for surgery is set for this Tuesday (Jan. 22nd) at 10 a.m. I am to sign in to get started at 8:30 a.m., which means that my parents and I will be leaving the house by 6 a.m. Everything after that depends on the surgery–I could possibly go home by Tuesday night or I might have to stay in ICU for a day or two…just depends on the surgery. Not worrying about the “if’s”…just going prepared with a little bag of things for “just-in-case” (i.e. personal items + book + Star Wars II dvd). 😀 After yesterday’s appointment with the Anesthesiologist, I am just really ready to get this done. I am now in the anxiety stage I feel. Like I am ready, but I have to wait.
Yesterday’s appointment was a bit overwhelming to be honest. I get loaded with all this information; it is hard for my brain to grasp sometimes. It was good to talk though…it helped me mentally put aside that big fear (plus shed a few tears)…but I think in doing so, I started a new nervous fear of “I hope I do everything right the day before/morning of surgery.” This surgery is not even a huge surgery like I have had before and yet, it seems so much more detailed this time. Maybe the fact that my first surgery was when I was 14…everything was so new and I don’t think I fully grasped the details about all that is in me. Fast forward ten years and it makes sense this time…like a whole new understanding of how and why my body is the way it is. So to sit there and hear everything that is possibly wrong with me can get a bit cloudy in the brain…like “I don’t want to hear this again.”
Then this morning I read the Psalms. I just love the Psalms! I read Psalm 73, 136 and 139.
Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (73:23-26)
Give thanks to the Lord of lords, for his steadfast love endures forever; to him who alone does great wonders, for his steadfast love endures forever. (136:3-4)
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well. (139:13-14)
It makes more sense to focus on the good; it makes the heart light. So that is my endeavor this weekend in pre-surgery thoughts: to focus on the good that will come out of the surgery, the good in things I am still physically capable of doing, the good in the gifts God has given me (especially being able to paint), the good in loving others, the good in finding rest, the good in fellowship. And, I hope your weekend is full of God’s goodness.
Thank you for your continued prayers and encouragement!
More to come…