Usually my blog posts have a theme. I think of different things and put them together in a blog, blending nicely into each other through transition verbs and sentence. In itself, that sort of represents my train of thought, which I have mentioned before, and how I go about being productive in a day. Today’s productivity was running errands after work and scheduling upcoming appointments. I go from schedule to schedule…everything in a timely manner and train of thought. Not tonight. I decided tonight I am not going to have any plans. No train of thoughts. No historical evidence or fun facts (well, I shall refrain). Just me. Unscripted.
The past few months, I have been struggling with finding my passion again. In Denver, I was so involved. I was dedicated to work and surrounded by college friends and roommates, volunteered every week to a street church downtown with kids–which was pretty much my joy of living life each week–and when I was in need of some adventure or time alone, I would go to the mountains just ten minutes down the road. You get to the top of the first hill and see out like a 360 view of the city. I spent a lot of time doing that, especially the last full summer I was there. In the moments of chaos during those months…just seeing the view from on top a mountain made me forget the valleys and shadows of life beneath. Not that here is not beautiful, but there are no mountain tops to see around. Maybe that is sort of significant to my passion. I left it on the mountain top as I started into the valleys. See my problem does not lie with the health related issues being the “valleys and shadows”. They are my mountain tops. How frustrating it is for me to know this! It is so backwards, but in the backwards of the thought…it makes sense. When I have health related things come up…the biggies like chemo, surgery or the blood clot…I have nothing to depend upon but God’s timing, provisions and strength. When I become stable, I find that my focus shifts…I find my own strength to depend on, “I can do it”, like proving I can on my own; getting back to work, I find my own provisions; and I take over my schedule of “things to get done”. It is a habit. It is a bad habit. Why should my life be at the mountain top only in my physical sufferings? Why can’t I remain at the mountain top…or at least the upward climb towards that place even on the normal days? I believe that is why God has convicted my heart to get more in the Word and prayer as of late, because I am entering my valleys again. I should be praising God even on my boring, normal days just like I do when I am in pain. Such different advice apart from the other endless bestsellers on these subjects saying it the other way around. But that is me. Unscripted.
You know what was great about today though? Blue sky! It is most often a rare sight to see here. Blue skies, green grass. My favorite part is walking or driving through the “tunnels” of trees. They clump together and shade over so it feels like a green tunnel. I think it is so beautiful! Reminds me of a song by Rich Mullins called “The Color Green.” I just have to give you this link of his music video. I watch it when I feel like I am living in black and white. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88Lx1D0gbTo.
Color is: Laughter, being creative, reading in a coffee shop while slowly sipping my cup of tea or chatting with a friend, walking with my mom in the evenings, playing Quicksand with my older sister and brother-in-law or chess with my little sister. Family nights watching “Shaun the Sheep”. Blending paints on a white canvas and coming up with a masterpiece in the end. Petting Muffy when he sits in my lap, brushing my teeth, writing my grandparents, creating new outfits out of old ones, suprise dinners with Dad, looking at old pictures, or seeing new places. Better yet, finding old postcards of places we have been to over the years. 🙂 Today I smiled when I waved to an old man crossing the road, seeing a friend at work, watching the ladies in front of me at the line in Michael’s chat with each other, mailing letters, getting a text from my sister about Lord of the Rings and eating marshmallows for dessert. Today I found myself being thankful for butterfly wings. They are so pretty. I saw a bunch of butterflies yesterday when my mom, sister and I were at a conservatory for plants and butterflies, birds and a mouse. Yes, a cute little mouse. 🙂
And that is me at the moment. Unscripted–in the beauty of stillness, a blend of colorful thoughts, and surrounded with love. Like this new butterfly…ready to spread my wings and fly.
“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:28-31