Category Archives: Hospital Trips

May 4, 2012 · 11:55 pm

“Sometimes the night was beautiful…”

What a week!! Quick recap of big events:

I bought myself my first pair of sunglasses!!! I think they are pretty cool. 8-D (Yes, they go over my glasses–but they work great!)

I finished a painting. I tried Snapple’s new tea: Bret’s Blend Tea–Trop A Rocka. It has mango, pear, peach and cinnamon flavoring. Delicious! I got to talk to some friends from CO. My little sister comes home from college tonight! 😀 So exciting!!! 😀 We got to see some family friends who are in town and had dinner with them. And the biggest event of the week: yesterday’s hospital trip.

I had my annual 3-month MRI and doctor visits. It was a LONG day! I checked into radiology at 6:30 a.m. for my MRI. I got out around 9:30. Got a nice bruise on my right arm from the IV they used for the contrast. Went up to my regular doctor visits that lasted until 12:45 pm. Ate my sandwich on the run to my 1pm appointment for an ultrasound on my left leg to see how the blood clot is doing. I got out of there at 2:30. Back up for one more appointment and finally got to leave the hospital around 4 pm something. I was so tired by that time that as soon as I got in the car, I fell asleep. Thanks to my dad and mom for being there, because while I was sleeping, they were stuck in rush hour.

The day, although long, went well. It is my own battles of striving to be independent that cause me to build a defense wall when I attend appointments, especially when they are Occupation Therapy concerned. I like to do it on my own, even though my body is changing. And for me, it is harder to except the fact that my body is changing and getting more slow, than it is for me to adapt to changes. For example, when doctors ask me if I have noticed any changes…I say the obvious ones that I might be concerned with or notice getting harder to do. Then they ask my parents and they say things that I really have not noticed, because most often either I am used to it by the appointment so I forget the changes or I just don’t take note…like I can’t see myself walk, so I don’t notice how my right leg and ankle are working or seeming different. I am not mad at my parents for speaking these things, but my first initial reaction is to clarify with justification and try to prove that I am doing just fine. It is a hard day to sit and discuss about all the big to tiny changes noticed. It is not that any big steps are taken towards these changes–it is just discussing them. I think what frustrates me most is having to talk about all the options out there–possibilities–for when the time comes that I do need more assistance in maintaining my independence.

Independence. The word in itself is what I fear most I think. The thought of losing my independence causes me to strive to work harder to maintain what I can do right now in life. Like driving. The weeks following my blood clot, I could not drive and I struggled! When I was ready, driving and taking management of my schedule helped me get back towards feeling independent, even though I had just let go of my apartment. God only knows the future. He knows when I will need help and has surrounded me with an amazing family who helps me in more ways than I probably recognize and a team of doctors who have resources to help me as well. I just hope when it comes to that time, that I will have let go of my pride and recognize that I will need help. And not all help is bad. Not all help classifies me as helpless. Not all help labels me as disabled. The assistance at that point in time will enable me to continue to live independent for as long as I can. I must learn to embrace help, not build a defense against it.

I have not received the results for my brain and neck scans yet, but scans of the spine were stable. And the left leg shows stable as well. This is a praise!!! 🙂 Thank you for your prayers!

Last night before I went to bed, I went out to feed Muffy. The moon was bright, stars were shining, and it was a lovely warm evening!!! I sat on the patio and started humming Rich Mullin’s, “Sometimes by Step”. Of all the day’s worth of emotion, chaos of schedule, and long discussion…it was so nice to sit in silence. Just for a few minutes. No thoughts of the day spent or thoughts of tomorrow. Just a deep breath of wonder realizing how tiny I am in the universe, yet God knows me by name. He loves me and takes care of me. I am so blessed.

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March 8, 2012 · 1:25 am

Beauty from within.

Tonight I went down to the basement to watch my favorite television show, The Middle. It was a repeat, so I decided to watch a movie. My Mom had recorded a few months ago, so I chose to watch How To Save a Life. I thought that it was excellent! It is about a teen boy, Jake–senior in high school all set to go to college on a basketball scholarship, typical popular kid with party friends and pretty girlfriend. Over the course of events (I do not want to spoil the movie if you have not seen it), Jake realizes that the life he is living is fake. A youth pastor enters his life and welcomes Jake into a friendship with no judgment for his past. Jake soon starts to change. He stops the parties and starts hanging out with the considered losers at lunch. He befriends another kid from school and in the end you see how it made a difference in their lives. Just a really well done movie with a message not just for teens, but for any age.

The whole theme of the movie was about judging people and how it affects lives in a negative way, contrast with making a decision to not judge and how it can bless people. Why do we judge people? The whole story really hit me, because I struggled with popularity in high school. I never did parties, but I had cool friends and preferred to hang out with them at lunch rather than sit with other groups of people (just an example). I can’t go back and change it now, but I guess what my mind keeps coming back to is that we judge. And I should not. Jesus said, “Judge not, that you be not judged.” -Matthew 7:1, NKJV. Pretty much ends all debate.

I know we already passed Valentine’s Day, but I wanted to share a story with you about what God taught me in this area during the spring semester of ’09 when I was undergoing 6 sessions of chemo. I am not a big fan of Valentine’s Day. I just figure we can tell our loved ones, “I love you”, everyday. That year in particular, instead of feeling sad that I did not get a date or flowers, I asked God to show me how to love others. It is so easy to say, “I love you” as much as it is easy to say that I love coffee. I wanted to put action to my words. I had chemo right around Valentine’s or a bit after, I cannot remember now. Denver Children’s is always really busy, especially in the Oncology Department. Fridays were no exception and that day in particular, I had to share a room with another patient. They had the curtains closed so I could not see the other patient until the nurses came in. It was a girl a few years younger than me and her Dad was with her as well. My two friends from high school were with me that day, so we were chatting quite a bit and unknowingly, too loud for the other girl. Her Dad kept giving us glances and I tried to keep the conversation low.

After what seemed forever, I finished and was getting ready to leave. The girl’s Dad had gone to get her a Sprite and my friends started to leave towards the hallway. I was still wearing hats at the time, but had a few extras that day to donate to the main waiting area. I looked in my bag and found a cute one and went around the curtain to her bed. She was sleeping, so I just laid it on the table. I guess my sudden movement woke her up, because we just stared at each other for a second and I finally said that I had some extra hats and I wanted her to choose one. I gave her the bag of hats and while she was looking at them, I noticed how beautiful she was. Here she lay, with more than one IV, no hair or eyebrows, as pale as I have ever seen a patient and yet when she smiled, she was beautiful. I was so touched. Here I had been frustrated with the fact that I could not talk regular with my friends, like it was the biggest deal in the world.  Yet I realized that I did not know this girl, her background or her physical status but none of that seemed to matter during our short 5 minutes together. I never saw her again. I just know that God taught me to love that day, love like he loves–seeing past the physical and the beauty that comes from within.

I would be lying to say that I still love like that at all times. There have been many times since then where loving was hard, and instead, I judged and I failed. I am so thankful that God’s love never fails. I am so unworthy, yet he never judges me for my mistakes and always forgives, which is what I should do towards others in every circumstance. “Greater love has no one that this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” I John 15:13, NIV. God’s love is unfathomable. ❤

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